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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:
HoundoftheBaskervilles · 30/10/2015 04:02

Man, you're not going to listen to anyone here, you're going to stick by your man.

I was involved with a man like that many years ago, it's funny because I was speaking to a friend about it tonight and I was saying, 'I can't believe I ever desecrated my sacred womanhood with that twat' (I was only partially joking). I have a scar on my head because of that man, I have a scar in my heart that I ever let myself be involved with someone like that, I was very young, and I was very vulnerable at the time, I'd had my heart broken, my self-esteem was on the floor and he wormed his way in. Men like that do, they see weakness and they're in there like expanding fucking foam, and before you know it you care about the fucker, even when they do bad things, 'because it's not their fucking fault' - It's NEVER their fucking fault.

And THAT'S what they prey on. Your kindness, your gentleness.

You need to tell that man to fuck off and not to come back. He doesn't love you, he can't love you, all he will ever do is remove, take, diminish you.

He's not your friend. You are just someone to be used by him. Especially now things have gone massively tits up.

Don't let him do that. You're worth so much more.

Offred · 30/10/2015 04:05

Look, when he wasn't in jail you were allowing him to punish your children when he felt slighted by you, take money from you which should have been for you and your children because he, you now know, was on drugs and cheating with someone from abroad. He was aggressive towards you and you didn't dump him. He disrespected you and plotted to exploit you with his exw....

Now you are giving him money, which should be for your children, to spend on his legal costs and 'drinking water' - have you ever known a prison on earth where you can't get drugs?!

Yes, if you fail to act on all this information and you keep behaving like such a mug you will be failing your children. No-one said a bad mother.

This man has never been a partner to you, he has always leeched off you and abused your good nature. He wasn't even nice to your Dc and he is evidently a very poor parent himself...

Just why would Dd being very upset matter? You are teaching your dd that having boundaries this low is ok! All the anger you have for his daughter, his exw, MN - the correct place for it is HIM.

Of course he has changed in prison - he's become desperate to cling to his one source of emotional and financial support, he is a parasite, he was before he went to jail and he is even more so now...

Offred · 30/10/2015 04:18

So, would you still like to continue to have a go. Or would you actually like to support me in the shit storm my life has become?

This is not happening to you. You are choosing to continue to involve yourself in it. The only support anyone can offer you is advice to bin him off. If you don't want the shitstorm you can choose not to have it.

No-one is going to give you support to continue to stay in this relationship.

Not a single poster has said 'poor you, you're doing the right thing' have they? EVERYONE has said the only solution is to bin him. Everyone.

magiccatlitter · 30/10/2015 04:20

As another poster mentioned, prisontalk would be better to post at for the type of support you're looking for.

Read your previous threads and he does sound horrible all the way around; an immature lodger, and things never was good with him with he and his exw using you as their servant, paying for all his expensive food and probably everything else as you made no mention of him working a legit job and the dsd treating you like crap.

Of course he is nice to you while he's in prison as he needs someone to pay for him. legal fees, commissary, etc.

Let his family, exw, ow, etc. deal with him and pay his way and if there is nobody there for him except for you then that's probably because he's used and shat on everyone around him.

Try some counseling to find out what on earth you are putting up with this rubbish.

Devilishpyjamas · 30/10/2015 07:04

You have a choice to walk away. If you carry on seeing him your children don't. This is never looked on favourably by social services - that's the reality. They expect mothers (usually) to protect their children from dangerous partners. A drug taking, violent partner will be seen as such. All it takes is someone (rightly imo) concerned about the effect he is having on your children to report you to SS & you will be in a proper nightnare. Not a drama of your own making.

Stop sending him money & see how much he's changed then. Bet the mask slips & you are see an even nastier side of him. If he's truly changed & reflected on his previous behaviour he'll fully understand why you shouldn't send any more money.

abanico · 30/10/2015 07:35

Having your child watch you bend over backwards trying to support a substandard partner (and believe me, they will notice) is one of the worst things you can do to a child, it is the opposite of good parenting. The concerns that posters have for your children are not misplaced. You are wasting far too much of your emotional energy (and money?) on supporting him. I too feel desperately sorry for your children. They are learning, especially if they are girls, that they should accept a ton of shit from a partner just because they "love" them. This will screw them up. Trust me. Any parent who takes that kind of risk cannot call themselves a great parent.

If you were child free and desperate to cling on to this shambolic relationship, knock yourself out. But your responsibility should be to your children, not this man. Even without the prison stuff, this guy is really bad news, is be really the kind of role model you want for your children?

Helmetbymidnight · 30/10/2015 07:59

£2000 and a weekly allowance so far? Oh well done you op- that's £2000 driving lessons/college fund that your dc won't have because you're so desperate to have this cheating/drug-taking criminal in their lives.

Helmetbymidnight · 30/10/2015 08:24

As for the crap about he's changed now-

Are you seriously telling us that for three years outside he shit over you while you lapped it up but since he's been in prison you've decided he's had a massive transformation and turned into a respectful, honest, faithful man?

Yes - that's what you are saying.

summerwinterton · 30/10/2015 09:02

bloody hell - without the prison situation - why the hell did you let this monster any where near your precious children? I am astounded that you think he is someone you would allow into their lives. Poor kids.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 30/10/2015 09:09

Oh dear. Just read this thread and I am honestly astounded that some women set their bar soooo low. We are all telling you OP that he is NOT a catch. How would you feel if your daughter hooked up with a lying, cheating junkie who was in prison for attempted murder? It doesn't matter how many people tell you to run for the hills, you don't want to hear it. So why ask the question in the first place? Don't you want more for yourself and your kids, than this pile of shit? My DH doesn't lie. He doesn't cheat. He doesn't take drugs. He's never been arrested. He has a good job. He's sat next to me every night on the sofa. And he keeps me warm in bed every night. Don't you deserve the same? I'm going to answer that for you...you do.

entersandmum · 30/10/2015 09:10

Wow. And you wonder why mumsnet gets a bad name.

A glimpse of what I'm going through, and apparently you are all experts on not only, how I'm feeling but what a terrible mother I am.

Jeez. Some of you seriously need to get a grip.

This used to be a place where women could be open and honest, whilst receiving support from other women. Now it's become a total bitchfest.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 30/10/2015 09:14

Enters - it's nothing to do with mumsnet. If you insist on exposing your children to this man then SS will have something to say about it. It only takes one person to inform them. They're pretty black & White on this stuff. He's not their father, there's no need to drag them into his mess.

You can make a choice for yourself. But they can't. You are expected to protect them. Exposing them to a violent drug taking man is not protecting them.

JOEYDOESNTSHAREFOOD · 30/10/2015 09:14

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck - then it's a duck.

Everybody telling you the same thing doesn't make it a bitchfest OP.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 30/10/2015 09:14

Nobody in their right mind, is going to tell you that this man is worth holding on to. You don't even see, that we are telling you that you are worth more than this. That's not bitchy. That's us pleading with you to raise the bar. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS.

abanico · 30/10/2015 09:17

Well tell yourself that when your daughter is paying thousands of pounds for therapy when she is an adult. MN posters were the bitches, you were a good mum. I've read all your other posts under this username - you have totally priotised this man at the expense of your own children. I don't know in what world giving up all your energies for a habitual drug user who cheats on you for two years and treats your own daughter as an inferior being to his own daughter is being a good mother.

summerwinterton · 30/10/2015 09:18

'When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time'.

Scremersford · 30/10/2015 09:28

He sounds like a conman who has drawn the OP in. She is still under his spell and not sure what the truth is. It can only end badly for her, because he will use her for as long as it suits him, before moving onto his next victim. Its a pity she can't use the time in prison to create some space between them and regain her sense of reality. I have to say the OP is at fault herself here in some respects, as she cannot see the effects of his behaviour on his victims. Its as if she will do anything necessary to keep this man happy. And that's worrying for other people, especially her children, who are clearly not her main priority.

I don't know what you're posting for OP. You've made up your mind so why not just enjoy having a partner in prison who cheats and is a drug dealer? Its your choice after all.

Offred · 30/10/2015 09:38

You are dangerously deluded about this man.

We have read your own descriptions of your life with him in your own words.

He is aggressive, he is childish, he uses you, he disrespects you and he is mean to your children, he takes drugs (which you have partially funded), he cheats on you (which you have partially funded), he has an expensive hobby (which you have partially funded) and now he is accused of a very serious crime and you are giving him yet more money.

You need to wake up to what you are doing. You life has not become a shitstorm, this is magical thinking, HE IS THE SHITSTORM. Get him out of your life and the shitstorm will end.

You really should contact women's aid for some help. He has well and truly got his hooks into you.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/10/2015 09:39

Jeez. Some of you seriously need to get a grip.

Specifically, what are people getting wrong?

Imagine cutting him out of your life today. What would that look and feel like for you?

abanico · 30/10/2015 09:46

And your daughter misses him terribly. She's what, 6? Where do you think she has learned to idolise a drug taking, cheater of a man who treats her badly (by your own description)? Who has managed to get himself in prison for nearly the top of the tree of violent crimes? The only good thing is that 6 may be young enough to undo this damage, but that won't happen while you are wasting your time on him.

Even if you don't think you are worth any more, your children are. They aren't being given a choice about being exposed to the shit storm of a life that you have decided to pursue. It is entirely within your hands to end it. He's in prison, in Spain, with no signs of getting out soon. Your opportunity to escape is being handed to you on a plate. Take it.

KinkyAfro · 30/10/2015 09:48

OP obviously cares more about this piece of shit than she does about her kids, nothing anyone on here says is going to change her mind. I seriously hope OP doesn't live to regret this but I think she will

Devilishpyjamas · 30/10/2015 09:51

You're not getting sympathy because you're making a choice that is affecting your children negatively.

You can call people bitches etc but whilst you were originally a victim of this man (& I'm sure people feel some sympathy for you there) you are now choosing to continue with him, despite everything you now know about him. If it just affected you I suppose most people would just think you were deluded but you have children as well. Why would you expose them to him? I don't get it.

abanico · 30/10/2015 09:57

There is someone who needs to get a grip on this thread, and it isn't the posters who are suggesting you leave.

Mumsnet, particularly this section, is full of patient, generous and fair people who will do their utmost to support a woman (or man, for that matter) who seeks advice or sympathy in an hour of need. The sympathy will quite rightly evaporate when the poster prioritises their own needs, and the needs of a clearly terrible partner, over the needs of their vulnerable children, and will refuse to listen when this is pointed out to them. You have described your life as a shit storm - there is no way that your children are unaware of what is happening.

Or alternatively - oh hun, poor you. Stand by your man. He obviously cared about you those two years he was sticking his penis in another woman; he had every right to treat your daughter like crap, you must do all you can to support him while he's in jail. Don't listen to those bitchy hags on MN, they're just jealous because unlike you they can't keep a man. Not like they might have experience of, I don't know, a mother who was so deluded that she spent all her time, money and energy on an absolute dick of a man and dragging her kids into the shitstorm, fucking them up for life. They aren't trying to warn you that you are going down this path. They're just bitches who need to get a grip.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/10/2015 10:00

If you stop supporting him, what would happen? Would his parents pay? Or the Government?

I'd look into that, as a first step. Obviously nobody is going to be keen taking over payment for someone who has got themselves incarcerated, they'd rather spend their money on themselves, but I think you've done your part now.

Once you've stopped funding him, you'll be able to see whether the change continues. If he's still behaving differently, or if that is a bit of an act. Unfortunately, foreign prisons are masters of teaching how to look like a reformed citizen. A large amount of appeals are lodged based on how different and reformed a person has become during their time inside. You have to keep your wits about you to work out whether he really has changed, or whether it's a cunning act to get you to keep supporting him and help out with his defence, if he needs it.

The fact that your head doesn't really want him to be released is a good indication that this relationship won't survive when, if, he is released.

However, I can understand not wanting to feel like you've just dropped him when he's in prison. I wrote to death row prisoners as a young teen, as part of a school project. When the project ended, they were "encouraged" not to write anymore. Three continued to write to me and I struggled hugely with not responding. They'd done terrible things, that's undeniable, and there was certainly an argument that they deserved to be where they were. But they'd written to me when I'd needed them too, and it felt cold and heartless to drop them. I had to wean myself off writing to them because I couldn't ignore their letters, and I felt evil doing the "I'm too busy with life/exams/boyfriends" that other people seemed to use to end the friendships.

This is probably somewhat the same. A misguided sense of wanting to be able to help, to offer some comfort, to make a difference. So work it to your advantage. Stop the financial support, because that's a good reason for him to lie to you and keep you onside, and you'll never know if he's being genuine whilst you're funding him. You could write to him, to keep him company and still offer some support, or perhaps have phonecalls if he's allowed, but set a schedule that suits you and doesn't interfere with your life too much.

Let yourself grieve both the loss of your relationship and the cheating, because he is still responsible for those, and the fact that he's put you in this position and it'll be a bit of a test of inner strength to get through it unharmed.

Could you do that?

Helmetbymidnight · 30/10/2015 10:00

Op I appreciate you are distressed- hence posting another thread in search of better answers, Confused but you are in denial. Why not search through your own old posts and read how miserably you have been treated throughout this 'relationship'?