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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:
Petallic · 30/10/2015 10:01

I was once I your position OP (same charge, UK prison, no cheating or kids though). I would very strongly suggest you walk away. I spent 10 years wasting my life trying to fix someone else's problems and putting my life on hold. The legal process is gruelling and time consuming. I cannot imagine how much worse it will be if your partner is abroad and being conducted in a foreign language.

If they have just been arrested and if you want to - then help them out in finding a suitable solicitor and arranging safe storage of their belongings if you live together. And then walk. Good luck OP. Please do consider my advice.

winewolfhowls · 30/10/2015 10:07

He might get a much worse drug problem in prison

You can't save everyone. Save yourself

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2015 10:09

Have a think about why people are accusing you of being a bad mother. Think long and hard about why anyone would think that what you are doing is detrimental to your DC

If I were your ex (father of your kids) I can tell you now I wod be fighting you with everything I have to get my kids away from this man and if that meant taking them from you to do so, I wouldn't hesitate

You cannot fix this man. You cannot save him.

KinkyAfro · 30/10/2015 10:17

The guy is a violent, drug addicted, not yet convictedmurderer who is being held in another country, I just don't get why you don't just cut all contact now, he's not your problem. He doesn't care about you, you think he's changed but he's using you for money and somewhere to go if/when he gets out

KinkyAfro · 30/10/2015 10:17

Strikeout fail!

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 30/10/2015 10:24

Wow I literally can't believe anyone would stay with this man. Iv looked over some of your old friends and he's absolute horror and you certainly didn't have a fantastic year, but if that's your 'fantastic' so be it. You need to stop wasting money on this criminal (because he is even if he didn't attempt murder because he still takes drugs illegally) and spend on your children like you should be. You need to split up with him and concentrate on your children because there's no way your fixation of him and your emotions are good for your children. Wake up fgs!!!!!

Hemlockinthegarden · 30/10/2015 10:36

Any one who does care for you would wonder why you are staying with this man.

whateverloser · 30/10/2015 10:38

Op, until you are able to see it with your own eyes, then you will not be able to give up on him. I have an abusive ex. He is an absolute rogue. I have had friends tell me that I would be a fool to.have him back, when it took them years to leave their own abusive relationships. People don't want to see you making the same mistakes they made, but sadly, I think we all have to learn our own lessons. My dcs have no contact with their father. Prior to leaving he was a wonderful dad- or so I thought. Try and remind yourself of reality. Look at what you know, not what you think. My stbxh still has an emotional hold over me and I do worry about him, but 18 months on, I can see that he has to solve his own problems. These men sap the energy and the goodness out of everyone. You care about him, but you will see in time that you can't save him. Everyone brow beating you though, that you are an idiot to help him, will just put you on the defensive and make you put your guard up more. It's a long process to disengage emotionally. I am still going through it, but every day, you will get stronger. If you can afford to help him financially, then that is your decision. If you can't, then you need to stop. The legal system where he is will provide his basic needs. My belief is, these types of men need to hit rock bottom before they have any possibility of changing. The thing is, they never hit rock bottom, because they manipulate someone into helping them. At the moment, that is you.

Seeyounearertime · 30/10/2015 11:09

Or would you actually like to support me in the shit storm my life has become?

Everybody has offered you support, everyone that has replied has done so in the hopes you will wake up and realise what you're doing is not healthy for you, not healthy for your family and definitely not healthy for any children witnessing this situation.

You claim your life is a shitstorm? Yet you evidently enjoy it as you yourself are perpetuating said shitstorm. If you want legal advice, seek it on a legal board, if you want advice on his drug taking, seek assistance from a ex drug takers board. You're posting on a relationship board and as such every poster has commented on your relationship.
If you don't like the advice and comments then continue with your path, it will end in disaster and it will negatively affect you and your DC. It will be you that has to pick up those damaged pieces and try to explain what happened at some point.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/10/2015 12:05

You said you could tell from call and letters that he's really changed, but then how can you tell? After all it's not as if you ever really knew him, is it, considering the cheating, drug abuse and "other things" which keep coming out of the woodwork?

I'm not sure if you've said much about your own friends and family and what they think, but I'm wondering if you live among people for whom this sort of thing is commonplace?

forumdonkey · 30/10/2015 12:40

Wow, why aren't you doing cartwheels?! Not only have you got shut of this man but you don't have to see him nor is he going to turn up.

I've just read your previous threads and your relationship sounded shit without the added mix of his affair and attempted murder. Did your DP work? You have supported him financially throughout your relationship, including buying HIS DD's christmas presents from him, paying for her and him for holidays as well as how much its costing YOU for your shopping due to his hobby. What was he doing in Spain OP, on holiday?

In your own words he was moody and he and his exW used you as their childminder. He positively excluded you and your DC's - all things you have complained and sought advice for in the past. Why would you want to put your life on hold for this man? You sought advice about his behaviour and your relationship a lot, so it wasn't that good. Now is your chance to escape.

AlwaysHope1 · 30/10/2015 12:44

You've placed your dc as low priority when looking at how much you have done and doing for this man. Your kids will remember that.

There is no shitstorm, you can choose to walk away but no your man is more important.

Limer · 30/10/2015 13:02

He'll be writing the same letters to all his other women, and any other mugs he can think of.

Please ditch him. Write and say you no longer want to be his girlfriend and won't be sending him anything more or taking his calls.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 30/10/2015 13:04

You seem very passive in some ways, like this is all happening to you but you can't do anything about it. Perhaps you're in shock a bit? Except, you can do something about it - something very positive for you and your kids - but you don't want to (yet).

Do you understand that not only are you the only one who can make this better for yourself, but that you have the power to make this better for yourself.

I think amongst all the really helpful advice above whateverlosers's last post up there is particularly useful for you OP and bears thinking on. Good luck x

highlighta · 30/10/2015 13:45

I haven't read your other posts OP, so I am only going on the information you have posted here today.

Firstly, I don't think that you have posted on the correct forum. Your situation is not a common one, and although some posters have replied that some understanding, this situation is different.

BUT, the one thing that glares out at me from your post, is that it seems you are his only support system. But where is YOUR support system?

This is why you have posted, for support as possibly irl you don't have much. You don't have to be in this situation though.

You are putting HIS needs before your own. Try to think of this in a different light. If the role was reversed, would he be there for you with all the support and finances that is needed to get through this?

Isetan · 30/10/2015 13:58

There's something really f*cked up when your bf being locked up in a foreign jail, offers you more stability and trust, then if he were in the same room.

He 'needs' you now and that has given you a sense of power for the first time in your relationship. While he's banged up; he won't cheat or be taking drugs, less likely to be aggressive, can't be mean to your kids and all the while you get to play the devoted gf who stood by her man - result!

summerwinterton · 30/10/2015 14:14

It probably isn't even him writing the letters....

mum2mum99 · 30/10/2015 15:43

We can give you a magnifying glass but if you choose to close your eyes it is absolutely pointless. Come on there are millions of men on this earth. Choose a better one. All I can see is self-sabotaging and denial. Breaking up is never easy and he is pleading for you to save him. He is already beyond saving. I would even be concerned for my own safety with someone like him for when things turn sour and they will as there are already far too many red flags and dangerous behaviours from this guy.
Stay safe OP. You deserve someone who can love, cherish you and support you not drag you to hell.

hefzi · 30/10/2015 17:50

OP, you say that consular assistance hasn't been helpful. All they can do in this situation is guide you towards local legal representation - they don't provide it, they don't pay for it, and they can't get anyone out of jail just for having a British passport. Likewise, as someone else said, your MP and MEP can also do nothing at this stage: a miscarriage of justice or similar has to occur.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I realise that you want to support someone, never mind a DP, in the situation of being incarcerated (rightly or wrongly): however, you need also to protect yourself - you're looking after him, but you also need to look after you and your DC before you even think about looking out for him.

I don't know what £2k means to you, in terms of finances - it would make a huge impact on my situation, and whilst I would find it if necessary (not too sure how) for my DF/DB etc, I would struggle to do so. And I would not be putting myself in that situation for someone who was using drugs and had cheated on me for two thirds of our relationship, no matter how sorry I felt for them. Now, we're all different: maybe two grand isn't a lot of money to you - but even so, please don't think that it's going to change him, or make him a better person. It won't. Why is he not using his own money to fund his defence, btw?

And nothing will give you closure over the cheating: it doesn't happen. No-one ever explains it in a way that makes you think, "Ah, of course, I see - that makes sense." He did it because he could - full stop. And no lies he tells you will change that.

Keep being there for him - write to him, advocate for him, whatever: but please, stop spending your money on him. And as for sending him money for drinking water? Water in Spain is potable.

laughingatweather · 30/10/2015 19:16

I'm a little worried OP that you work with offenders given what you've said.

I worked with offenders for a few years and if you're in a role working with this group you should be aware of the pitfalls that so many women (and workers) fall into but you don't seem to have much insight.

Prison is fucking awful, both here and abroad. It is so important to inmates to have someone outside waiting for them/loving them. Prison is such an abnormal environment that they need hope, someone outside who loves them when their day to day life is so abnormal.

They will promise the earth, will soul - search and promise and examine their previous behaviour and life. And despite what a lot of people on this thread think, the majority of them do mean it.

But they only mean it at THAT time because they're in an extremely stressful situation with no opportunity for real emotional connection to anyone. So they cling on to that, their need for that connection consumes them so they really think it'll all be different, THEY will be different and it'll all be ok and lovely when they come out.

They need to believe that. That's what keeps them going. But it's a fantasy created by an abnormal environment and extreme psychosocial stress.

And they come out and it's all brilliant for a short time. But they're in the real world now and not under so much stress so very quickly, that person they relied on in prison really isn't that important anymore. They're not waiting all day or all week for a phone call or a letter with nothing else to look forward to - they're out now and there are very, very many fish in the sea in the free world. So many temptations and opportunities.

So they revert to the behaviour they displayed before prison.

Put your life on hold for years if you like but I guarantee he'll be his old, selfish and unfaithful self very quickly.

Of course you could alternatively be the kind of woman who works with offenders because you find offenders exciting (there are many). The idea that he's capable of awful things but you may be able to tame him. The romance of waiting for him, the passionate letters and the tortured scenes of love in prison visiting rooms.

The fact that only YOU really understands him and why he does the things he does and if you love him enough he'll change and he'll tell everyone your love put him on the straight and narrow.

Both types of women in this post are mugs and on a hiding to nothing.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 30/10/2015 21:25

OP you're getting very defensive about a man who you are clearly conflicted over.

Let me break this down for you. He cheated on you for 2 years. He has a drug problem. He is in prison for attempted murder (has it actually occurred to you that he did it? I mean, until all this you didn't know much about the real him did you?). His own daughter doesn't give a shit - doesn't say much for his parenting capabilities if his own daughter doesn't give a rats ass. You are spending £'000's on this man even though he has treated you abominably. Don't you think that money would be better spent on your children?

Of course he's going to tell you what you want to hear, you're paying for his solicitors and he literally has nothing to lose.

I know it must be hard to accept that this man is not who you thought he is, but come on, enough is enough surely?

entersandmum · 31/10/2015 05:32

I didn't find out about the cheating until after he was incarnated. Yes he looks like a thug but, is the most gentle man I know.

He has so many witnesses who have stated he isn't the accused. This probably explains why he hasn't been charged.

Him being away means I have no closure on this. It is literally breaking me. I wouldn't want to have our 5 min phone calls being about this. We write and are open and honest during this time.

I have no idea if I will forgive him when he gets home.

OP posts:
entersandmum · 31/10/2015 05:42

laughing The reason I am good at my job is empathy. Something you either lack or are indifferent to. I would be worried about your charges.

OP posts:
entersandmum · 31/10/2015 05:47

kinky where have you got the violence from?

He isn't. Yes he's a bodybuilder, but there has never been a sense of violence in our entire relationship.

OP posts:
LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 05:49

So was he arrested because of mistaken identity or was he in a group affray/brawl sort of situation where someone else in the group was guilty of the attempted murder and the police think it was your partner?

Why was he in Spain without you?