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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 05:49

Read your previous threads OP. If he's the gentlest man you know I can't begin to imagine what the others around you are like.

Why are you so desperate for people to be sympathetic? You're making the choice to send him money & keep in contact. You don't have to.

I believe people are rather worried about your children (I certainly am) as they have no options here.

Original poster

entersandmum · 31/10/2015 06:02

Again. He has not actually been charged and someone elsecwas in the frame for this before him.

To be honest, the cheating thing is like a whole over wave of shit to add to this. It's one of those things that just add to how crappy life is.

Just to add to this shite, there is so much other crap on top.

For those who think I am weak, I'm not. The layers of deception are pretty amazing.

How on earth do you get closure when the other person isn't here?

I have good days and a hell of a lot of bad days In the end I still love him like before. It's not something I could just turn off.

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 06:07

What closure do you need? I don't even understand. He was shagging someone else for ages & taking drugs. Put your cheque book away. There's your closure.

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 06:09

Okay you still love him (honestly, get some counselling - you shouldn't stil love him), but that doesn't mean you need to inflict him & his drug taking & drama on your children.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 06:12

How long has he been in prison for?

lunar1 · 31/10/2015 06:13

Is this man the person you want as a role model for your children growing up? I just can't see how anyone could invite this into their children's lives.

entersandmum · 31/10/2015 06:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 06:21

Consular support is both non existing and a waste of time.

So what have you tried to get help with so far and what have they said?

Original poster

entersandmum · 31/10/2015 06:24

leavemywings 3 mths

OP posts:

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 06:24

And what was he doing in Spain without you and the family?

Original poster

entersandmum · 31/10/2015 06:26

leavemywings the spanish are well known for not doing anything.

OP posts:

highlighta · 31/10/2015 06:28

Just to add to this shite, there is so much other crap on top.

This other crap, does it involve him too?

You need to take a step back OP. If you continue on this route, this is how your life is going to be.... for now whilst he is in prison, and when he gets out and comes home.

I know you don't want to hear the advice given on here. Its not easy to shut someone out of your life that you care for. I know you are waiting for that one poster to come along and tell you they have been in the exact same situation, everything worked out fine and their life is all rosy now. That post is NEVER going to come OP.

None of us know you or your dp. So we don't have the emotional connection that you have to your dp. So we are looking at the situation from an outsiders point of view. And it doesn't look good, I am sorry OP. Like I said earlier, try to look at the situation differently. The other way around maybe, or look at it from the point of view of a stranger. Read your post back to yourself but try to do it as if you were someone else and detached from the situation. Then see what you make of it. The whole thing is, is that it doesn't have to be like this. YOU can change this. Only you can though.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 06:29

What kind of an answer is that?

I will try again. So what have you tried to get help with so far and what have they said? (the British consulate I mean.)

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 06:36

My hatred towards men??? Eh?

Right.

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 06:38

I'm only going on your previous threads about your DP. He doesn't sound a catch & that's before the drug taking, cheating & getting banged up on suspicion of attempted murder.

But clearly I hate men. Yeah. Right.

highlighta · 31/10/2015 06:45

C'mon Enter. Just because posters are saying things that you don't want to hear, doesn't give you reason to be abusive to them.

Remember that is it you that posted here for advice on this.

You are getting advice as people see it. If you don't like it or don't want to hear it then why did you post this??

Original poster

entersandmum · 31/10/2015 06:46

Devillish I don't condone what DP has done bout your posts are so aggressive. I would profile you as having an unrequited love affair with a man and therefore hating all men after that.

OP posts:

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 06:51

Seriously enters?

Then I would have to profile you as a bit dim and one of those people who just goes BLAH BLAH BLAH on a loop without actually listening or engaging with any of the people you are asking for support from.

I am wondering what it is you were hoping to gain from this thread.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 06:52

I don't condone what DP has done

And what has be done, exactly?

You said he hadn't been charged. Sounds like you know he should be.

Devilishpyjamas · 31/10/2015 06:54

Right.

Because sugesting you put your children before a drug taking cheat is oh so aggressive.

Offred · 31/10/2015 07:14

Do you mean sympathy? Unless you are also an offender it would be difficult for you to have empathy... Emotionally connecting with the people you work with is important but having boundaries is more important. You may be able to separate your private life from your working life but you have not demonstrated the ability to have proper boundaries with this man and that is why people are concerned about your job.

Pointing out that your man isn't very nice is not a sign someone has had unrequited love for a different man and come to hate all men - that is actually a mental suggestion...

The gentlest man you know? Well that explains something anyway - you clearly have not had much experience of lovely men.

You are obsessed with this idea that you will get some closure. No-one usually does get closure from someone else, what does it even mean? You usually have to make your own closure, for yourself.

Read the thread. Literally every post, sympathetic or angry, has said this relationship is a bad idea.

You think he has changed from an emotionally immature, selfish, cheating man who takes drugs and money from you and is mean to your DC and who throws your stuff in 3 months? No chance and especially not in prison.

Clinging to him is not empathy or kindness, it is selfish desperation.

Your children have already been damaged by this relationship. Do not let it continue further. You owe nothing to this man, he is an adult who can look after himself. You do owe you children a safe and happy childhood.

AyeAmarok · 31/10/2015 07:27

You ate letting this happen to you by continuing to be involved with him.

You are acting like you have no choice in this.

You do!

And it won't even change your life of you just stop. Because the lying, cheating, druggie isn't even there.

Honestly, why are you so desperate for a relationship that you'll tolerate this?

DaemonPantalaemon · 31/10/2015 08:16

Being on Mumsnet has taught me a lot about martyrdom. I would never have believed that a normal sensible woman would use 2 000 pounds of money that could go on her children to support a man who has cheated on her repeatedly, and who treated her pretty shoddily all through the relationship. And all because she loves him!! And wants closure!

I would say the OP needs some self-love and self-respect more than she needs closure, but I suspect the OP is happy in her martyrdom. Good luck to you OP. I hope your children have other adults in their life who can model good, healthy relationships. Because if not, this cycle will continue, sadly.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 08:19

Agree Daemon.

Scremersford · 31/10/2015 08:30

Stockholm syndrome.

Whats all this talk about "layers" OP? Substitute the word "excuses" or "lies" and you have your answer.

Honestly, you deserve all you get if you can't listen to sense.

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