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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 29/10/2015 15:39

Do you think there is any likelihood that he would have done this?

The questions you should be concerning yourself with just now are whether or not he has appropriate legal representation, whether the embassy have been informed.

four years without charge? really??

He doesn't sound like a great catch tbh.

The drugs would be a deal breaker for me

CarrotVan · 29/10/2015 15:41

I remember your last thread. IIRC you only wanted to hear from people in the exact same situation of having a partner who has been extradited to an EU prison without charge. It was an incredibly niche request then and made more so by adding the cheating and drug taking.

You'll get better support on a website for prisoners partners than here.

I'm sure it's very difficult for both of you but he will get consular support and should acquire local legal representation and you will otherwise need to wait for judicial processes to complete. It doesn't sound as though you're asking for actual relationship advice.

Original poster
entersandmum · 29/10/2015 15:43

Ok. I'm not going to cut of all contact. I could never do that, even after finding out about the cheating. It would be so cruel.

I don't know how things are going to go once he is home, neither does he. We are living in the moment at this time.

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 29/10/2015 15:45

Incarceration rather than incarnation?

I remember your last thread.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 29/10/2015 15:46

I'm sorry OP but I agree with the others who say leave him. He lied to you for most of your relationship, uses/used drugs and is now in prison for god only knows how long. If you don't have DC with this man that tie you to him, walk away now for your own good.

Don't waste your life waiting for him OP, you aren't happy and life is too short to waste it feeling like you do.

Hope you've got some good RL support Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 29/10/2015 16:01

Speculation as to what will happen when he's home would seem to be misplaced at the moment as he may not be home for some years.

Are you intending to put your life on hold while's incarcerated, or will you use the time to evaluate why you're determined to stick with a man who's cheated on you for 2 years, has a drug habit which is unlikely to be cured while he's inside, and may be guilty of a violent crime?

Do you have dc with this man?

Strokethefurrywall · 29/10/2015 16:02

You're living in the moment? What moment?
The one where he got extradited to a foreign prison on attempted murder charges? Or the one where he cheated on you?
Congratulations - what a waste of your life.

Offred · 29/10/2015 16:10

Ok. I'm not going to cut of all contact. I could never do that, even after finding out about the cheating. It would be so cruel.

I don't know how things are going to go once he is home, neither does he. We are living in the moment at this time.

Then I hope to god you are not bringing kids into this mess too. If you want to throw away your life for this man that's up to you but DC deserve better.

If you are intent on sticking with him you stick with him - prison, cheating and all and you don't need to post on here because everything is rosy yes?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 16:10

I remember your last thread.

If you aren't willing to completely cut ties to him (I would in a heart beat), then at least 'downgrade' the relationship to 'non-exclusive' and free yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone worth 'keeping'.

You don't know the future. Are you even open to the reality that he actually may be convicted? It is a possibility, you know. A very real one.

A dear friend's sister was in a not dissimilar situation. Her bf was convicted and sent to prison for 7 years for a horrible 'road rage' incident. She's wasting her life waiting for him. And when he gets out he won't be able to find a job to save his life with a felony conviction.

Seeyounearertime · 29/10/2015 16:10

Op, how much as you pying towards legal costs over there?

Here's my concerns. He's latched onto you, admitted stuff nd said that's everything, there's no way of knowing that though. In the mean time you'll stand by him, help as much as you can with everything. He gets home, things are fine for a while, then he drops you like a hot one and goes off.

Before you say he'd not do that, remember he has no respect for you, has lied to you since the start of your relationship, has been a drug user and is involved in a criminal case.

I worry you are blind and in 18 months to 2 years you'll be alone with thousands of pounds of debt, your heart will have been broken by this man and you'll be on here asking how to get over it.

Devilishpyjamas · 29/10/2015 16:16

Unless you love drama I cannot imagine why you haven't taken the chance to leave. Why would you want to stay with a drug taking cheating boyfriend waiting to be charged for attempted murder? Ffs. Grow up. (Please don't tell me you want to bring kids into this 'relationship' - please no).

Tutt · 29/10/2015 16:17

Prison changes people, it makes them appear to 'care more' or can. He has you and wants to keep hold of you whilst he is locked up.
It is so common for people who are incarceratated to become the 'perfect' partner, saying everything that you want to hear, loving, thoughful etc etc because they NEED you to stay with them.
This really isn't a true reflection of how they will be when/if they get out.
OP in the 'honeymoon' period of your relationship he was shagging/having a relationship with someone else, not a fling a full blown relationship, probably sharing dreams, hope etc with this other person... do you deserve that?
NO, no one deserves to be cheated on.
I can understand that after having a great year with him that you want to support him but he doesn't sound a very nice person at all and you will always have the cheating at the most importantant time of a relationship hanging over your head.
Do you trust him?
I wouldn't, lies and pretends you're his only one, hides his drug abuse and is no locked up for goodness knows how long for attempted murder.
You're not an idiot but maybe your loyalty is a bit of whack.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/10/2015 16:18

I was hoping it wasn't Spain.

Okay, have you met his legal team?

It's possible that he could pay to have his bail conditions altered, to allow him to come back to the UK. He wouldn't have to surrender his passport, but he would have to make regular contact with the Spanish authorities. He could be on bail for up to two years. It can be expensive - about £6,000, usually - and it might not be possible depending on how violent his crime was and how much evidence they have.

Do you believe that he did it? Does that matter to you in terms of staying with him, or is it just the cheating that you're confused about at the moment?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/10/2015 17:01

I'm not going to cut of all contact ... It would be so cruel

This is absolutely your call to make, but remember that when he (eventually) gets home he's likely to be pretty traumatized. Given his history there's every chance he'll use yet more drugs in an attempt to cope, and probably look for comfort with OW too - it won't be his fault, of course, but the result of "what those bastards did to me," and your life will be wasted in absorbing the never-ending chaos

Of course he wants to hang on to you while he's desperate, but in all honesty do you really think there's the remotest chance of a happy future with this man? I mean really??

StarkyTheDirewolf · 29/10/2015 17:14

of course he wants to hang on to you while he's desperate, but in all honesty do you really think there's the remotest chance of a happy future with this man? I mean really??

this

expatinscotland · 29/10/2015 17:17

I'm ever astounded by just how desperate some people are to be in a relationship. They'll stand by any loser, total reject, arsehole, cockwomble rather than be alone. But prison, for real? Good God.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/10/2015 17:39

If he's been extradited from the UK to Spain it's highly unlikely he's going to be allowed to return until all legal formalities are over, Anchor, and it's equally unlikely he'll be released on bail if he is charged with the attempted murder he appears to be suspected of committing.

expatinscotland · 29/10/2015 17:50

Just the kind of guy I hope one of mine brings home, a violent crim. Said no one ever.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/10/2015 17:55

Living in the moment? What a waste of your life. That moment could last years, then you find you're 5 years older and have wasted all that time on a cheating, druggie loser

Helmetbymidnight · 29/10/2015 17:57

"We're living in the moment"

You think you're bonnie and Clyde?

He cheats, he has a heavy drug habit, he's waiting trial for attempted murder. He sounds like a dream!

You need therapy. What you are saying is not normal.

amarmai · 29/10/2015 18:02

live with your choice - hope there are no kids in the mix.

Lndnmummy · 29/10/2015 18:03

op, what do you want out of your life? When you look at your future 12 mnths, Easter 2017, christmas 2022, how do you see and what do you want for yourself?

Is what you want something this man can and want to achieve with you? Do you share the same dreams?

What advice do you want from us? What would be helpful to you? Support? Hand holding? Wine or Cake?
All of which you are perfectly entitled to get even people do not agree with your choices!

Or do you want tough love/people advising you on what they would do?

Two very different types of advice/support and you deserve whichever one you want.

HumboldtFog · 29/10/2015 18:05

The last time I posted, I got absolutely flamed.

You got flamed because you were increasingly arsey with other posters and purposefully obtuse, making it very difficult for posters to give you any advice and support.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/10/2015 18:13

Goddess It's actually not uncommon for attempted murder charges in Spain.

It would depend if he was arrested whilst on holiday or extradited though, good point. There's no chance if he was extradited.

Professionally, I know of a few cases where people arrested for murder/attempted murder were bailed to the UK, but in cases where the defence was something like mistaken identity. It would depend on the circumstances of this case.

Helmetbymidnight · 29/10/2015 18:19

Mm, I have a relative who was wrongly arrested (we think so obviously) in Spain. It's taken thousands for his mother to get him out - money she didn't have- and he still has to go back.

How much does he need from you? Could you ask his ow maybe? She must have grown fond of him after a two year relationship with you behind your back.