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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/10/2015 18:25

Could you ask his ow maybe? She must have grown fond of him after a two year relationship with you behind your back

Forgive me - I know this isn't funny - but I admit I had to smile at that

CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 18:29

You do not owe it to him to stay in touch with him. People break it off with lovely partners every day of the week. They're allowed. ON the grounds that they want to split up. They're allowed.

Pandora97 · 29/10/2015 18:42

I've been in a similarish situation - not prison in a foreign country but my ex partner was arrested for a serious offence. It was a huge shock and he was a very manipulative person, threatening suicide, making threats against a friend of mine etc. I ended it straight away but it took a pathetically long time to get out of that relationship properly and I carried on contact when I shouldn't have done.

I can understand why you'd want to keep in contact - of course, you want answers. I spent months asking myself why he'd done it. If you look at the stages of grief set out by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross I think they're very similar in the end of relationships and extreme situations like this. The first stage is denial, which you're still in and which happened to me. We'd had a great relationship too and I did think for a while we could still be together. That was shock talking and I have depression so I was worried about how I would live without him. ADs helped me see things more clearly but that might not be appropriate for your situation. That said, I would advise you to at least limit contact. It's extremely emotionally draining being caught up in other people's problems and you're not the right person to support him. I don't think anyone who has been in a romantic relationship should, or be expected to, support someone with something like this. There's too many emotions involved, too much drama, too much scope for manipulation. It's very messy and your life gets ruined in the process. I've been there so I know this for a fact. It wrecked my life for the best part of a year.

I also felt very guilty at abandoning my ex so I do understand how you feel but you're not going to have any sort of normal relationship with this man anyway for a long time, if ever. Never mind prison, the drug addiction is a huge thing and not something I'd recommend getting involved in. Your partner needs serious help and that's not something you can provide. He will probably try and guilt trip you about this and you will cave in I expect to start with as I did but I got stronger and more firm over time.

It's very sad that this has happened and it's nice that you're so caring that you're worried about him but you've got to care about yourself as well. I'm not going to criticise you though for thinking the way you do, it took me months to realise it. But I do really recommend you get some counselling. I know it gets advised on here a lot but the cheating, the drug addiction and the arrest is a huge shock. When it first happened to me I just felt overwhelming love for him as I was still in denial. All I was worried about was what would happen to him and how he would cope if he went to prison. Then the anger came and boy was I angry and I expect the same will be for you. I went from huge love to hating him and hoping the bastard rotted in prison! It was very confusing. That's why I think you're going to need someone to vent to. Having someone non-judgemental to talk to about your thoughts and feelings around your relationship and what he's done is going to be far better than trying to get advice off here, I'm afraid. Because rightly or wrongly people will judge you on here for loving this man but I think it's important to acknowledge your feelings because then you can work on letting them go. My therapy has been some of the best money I've ever spent.

I hope it works out for you, whatever happens.

Original poster

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 18:50

Consular support is both non existing and a waste of time.

I've not had any reply, from any MEP I have contacted.

And yes, even in a EU Country, it is the law that a person could be held for up to 4 years WITHOUT charge.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 29/10/2015 18:58

It's not uncommon in the UK for bail to be given for a charge of attempted murder, Anchor, but it states upthread that he was extradited from the UK to Spain in which case there's scant chance of him being released on bail if he's charged with this offence.

I seem to recall from the OP's earlier thread that his defence is/will be mistaken identity.

Original poster

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 19:01

helmet and puzzled I don't think his gf would help him as she is also not happy he lied to her. She lives abroad, so it was very easy to lie to her and me.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 19:08

OP, is this guy a British national?

Do you have children together?

How much have you spent on all this?

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 19:13

I've just read a couple of your threads where you talk about step-parenting. It's very depressing reading. You were completely fed up of your partner then, weren't you? And his ex treated you like shit and was clearly using you, as was your partner.

Please tell us you're not looking after his children while he's in prison.

Original poster

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 19:15

Pandora your post made me cry. It's pretty spot on. I have no closure on the cheating until he is back home. Till then I'm stuck in limbo.

I do think this has been a massive wake up call for him and his time inside has changed him.

Believe you me, I'm not a person who would normally be so soft. I am truly torn between love and hate at the moment.

Besides the cheating, there is so much other shit I've found out. Every time I discover something new, something else crops up

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 29/10/2015 19:16

It may be that you believe he has been extradited on slim to non-existent evidence but, until such time as he's been released without charge or charged and tried, it is a matter of due process in law and it's unlikely any MP/MEP will be willing to get involved unless it subsequently transpires that there has been a miscarriage of justice, enters.

What support is he getting in Spain? Does he have a local lawyer and, if so, does he have sufficient funds to pay his legal bills?

Original poster

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 19:25

imperial the steparenting issues are separate to this. I have contacted his 1st wife, she stated his daughter wasn't bothered about his situation. Obviously I didn't pass that on and told him the usual 'misses you and wants you home'.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 29/10/2015 19:27

'It's pretty spot on. I have no closure on the cheating until he is back home. Till then I'm stuck in limbo.'

Only because you want to be. This punk is a violent crim, if that is not enough 'closure' that the best he can offer is a narrow escape, then you're beyond help. I feel for his victim and the victim's family.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 19:27

OP, he was horrible to you when he was living with you - he was using you for childcare and collaborating with his ex so that you had to take time off work to mind his children, at a cost to your own children.

For those reasons alone you should've left him.

Now factor in attempted murder, infidelity, a drug problem and god knows what else... what would you tell your daughter to do in that situation?

OhDearMuriel · 29/10/2015 19:45

......"I do think this has been a massive wake up call for him and his time inside has changed him."

Please don't fall for this, he is absolutely shitting himself and desperate at the moment.

You haven't seen the full cycle of how imprisonment will affect him. I'm not going to bore you with statistics.

With respect, I really think you need some help and support to work out why your standards are so low.

I am assuming that you have never had a kind loving stable relationship with a genuine person?

Offred · 29/10/2015 20:03

To be quite honest if I knew you and you took him back after he got out I'd be reporting the situation to social services.

Being in a relationship with this man is dangerous to your children. If you can't see this yourself your children will need someone to step in and adequately safeguard them if he ever does get out.

As I said up thread - it is your choice if you want to take this stonkingly stupid risk with your own life but your DC don't have a choice.

Plus I don't know what you want out of this thread. No-one is going to support you deliberately putting yourself in this position.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 20:04

The step-parenting issues are not separate, though. He was treating you badly there, too.

Have you seen a healthy and happy relationship at close quarters? Can you see how different your relationship is?

Offred · 29/10/2015 20:04

I can only hope that he doesn't get out for a very, very, long time... For yours and your dc's protection.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/10/2015 20:07

Apologies Goddess, I missed the info about him being extradited and I haven't read any of the precious threads.

Thanks for the correction.

AnotherCider · 29/10/2015 20:19

I'm not going to cut of all contact. I could never do that, even after finding out about the cheating. It would be so cruel.

I'm guessing he knows you well enough to know this. He knows your weak spots, he knows that you lack the cruelty that he himself possesses. So actually, 'confessing' while he's in prison is probably the safest place for him to confess. Because he's taken a very cleverly calculated risk that you wouldn't dump him while he's in prison. Then if he is released, he will be 'traumatised' and you won't be able to dump him, and it goes.

I have no closure on the cheating until he is back home

I'm afraid that is the reality for most people who have been cheated on. There's no real closure, they don't get the answers/explanations they want, they can't 'get through' to the cheater. If you think you're going to get closure if he comes home, you're very much mistaken.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 20:23

OP, you say: we have had an unbelievable fantastic last year or so.

You didn't, though - you really didn't. Read your old threads. You were very unhappy for a lot of the time.

Helmetbymidnight · 29/10/2015 20:28

So much other shit you have found out? Yet you are desperate for more.

His daughter isn't bothered about his situation? Oh I wonder why. Yet you told him, 'obviously,' that she misses him and wants him home.

Why?

Totally fucked up.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 29/10/2015 20:43

"My partner is a drug addict who cheated on me for two years and is currently in a foreign prison... Has anyone else been in this situation?"

Um... No.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 20:43

What on earth 'closure' do you want on his cheating? The only true closure for cheating is to turn around and walk away from the cheater.

Besides the cheating, there is so much other shit I've found out. Every time I discover something new, something else crops up

And what on earth about this makes you want to stick around?? How many times do you need to be kicked in the teeth before you walk away from the horses' arse end?

goddessofsmallthings · 29/10/2015 20:44

I've also read your earlier posts, OP, and it doesn't seem to me as if you've ever had an unbeliveably fantastic time with this bodybuilding fanatic who tailored contact with his dd to your work/holiday schedule so that you'd be at home with her while he took himself off to the gym.

You said his ex got in on the act and both of them expected you to take time off work or use your annual leave to look after her, and that when you objected he responded by pointedly taking his dd out for treats etc while leaving your dc at home, There was also something to the effect that his dd could do no wrong while your little dd was constantly being told off.

Did you get the holiday you'd planned for yourself and your dc? From what you've said, he own dd doesn't miss him and I suspect your dc feel the same.

@Anchor. No apologies needed - it can be hard to keep abreast of fast moving threads.

Offred · 29/10/2015 20:47

So he is a bodybuilder who has a 'lolita' style relationship with his Dd. he was cheating on you for two years while he colluded with his ex wife to palm his DD off on you and spent most of his time at the gym and expecting you to pay for everything. He threw your phone and smashed it, he 'Fs and blinds' at you and he's a drug addict who has been extradited on an attempted murder charge?

And you work with ex offenders?

What could he possibly do that would cause you to leave him? Murder one of your DC?!

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