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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
entersandmum · 29/10/2015 15:12

DameMargaret My Dp isn't that inventive that he would use a variation of his password for facebook / emails etc. It was pretty easy to hack.

After that I contacted the woman in question and she sent me the screenshots of their text messages.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/10/2015 15:12

What he is being held for is relevant, both in terms of how likely it is that he'll be imprisoned over there/how long for and in whether people would stay.

Even without that information, he is a drug addict who cheated on you for two-thirds of your relationship and only admitted it at a time when you feel duty-bound to compress your feelings about it because he is going through a horrific time.

Does he have legal representation? Is he in the EU? Is the British Consulate helping him, or are the charges too serious for that?

He will be scared at the moment, because he's in prison and they are horrid places, you feel that your freedom is impeded all the time. Depending on where he is and what his prospects of release are, that could make him feel more desperate. He will cling on to you because he needs someone to be strong for him. Unfortunately, he wasn't strong for you when he needed to be during those first two years, and you can walk away if you need too. You need to look after yourself first, like he did, because if you don't give yourself permission to do that, you're going down with him.

passmethewineplease · 29/10/2015 15:13

Run, honestly don't put any more effort in to this shambles of a relationship.

Set the bar higher, you deserve a lot better

spanisharmada · 29/10/2015 15:13

Do you actually need to be 'in a relationship' with him? He's stuck in another country and there are obvious issues re the relationship if the first (more then?) half was based on lies. I can't see that either of you can really work on that for the time being.
I really think you should put yourself first here.
Not sure why you'd get flamed Confused

Strokethefurrywall · 29/10/2015 15:14

Does it matter??

Err yeah, the reason for his incarceration would be a pretty big fuckin factor! Rape? Murder? Extortion? Racketeering? Armed burglary?
Or something less horrendous like fraud or credit card theft?

Added to this he has a drug problem and has cheated?

Well that's an amazing online dating profile if ever I saw one.

Find whatever tiniest shred of self respect you have and get the fuck out of dodge...

ragged · 29/10/2015 15:14

Can you trust him though, now that you know he cheated on you for those 2 yrs? He was lying to you all that time. Can you be sure there weren't other lies that matter?

There could be lies going on now, perhaps about why he's in prison?

pocketsaviour · 29/10/2015 15:16

If he wasn't in prison - if you had found out about the cheating and drugs just randomly - would you stay or go?

If you would have stayed with him anyway, then you should stick with him. If you would have gone, then I think you should finish it. It's not your fault he's in this situation and you can't fix it.

However this does depend what he was arrested for. If it was something violent or very serious EG drug smuggling then I would finish it no matter how good the relationship was otherwise.

Fairylea · 29/10/2015 15:17

Deary me he's cheated on you for more than half your relationship and he's a drug user and is in prison.... What's not to like!? What a catch!!

Op you know you can do better. You need to work on your self esteem. Block him, move if you have to. Start over.

Original poster
entersandmum · 29/10/2015 15:18

ANCHOR he is being held in Spain. His charge is attempted murder.

They can possibly hold him for up to 4 yrs without charge.

OP posts:
AlwaysHope1 · 29/10/2015 15:20

Two facts you know, he's a cheater and druggie. Now he's a criminal. Where on earth do you honestly expect your relationship to go? How wouldyou ever bring a child into that mess?
Be honest with yourself, are you staying out of guilt or because you actually want to?

summerwinterton · 29/10/2015 15:22

only attempted murder - that's ok then..... Hmm

ragged · 29/10/2015 15:25

Try this website, OP. Better support than you'll get on MN. People who know what you're going thru.

NotSoDesperateHousewife · 29/10/2015 15:25

No matter how many times you post the advice you get is always going to be the same - he's an utter cunt. Leave him! And get yourself some therapy to understand why on earth you want to stay in a relationship with a banged up drug user who cheated on you for two years!

MerdeAlor · 29/10/2015 15:25

What do you hope to achieve with this OP?

I remember your flaming with your last post. You were equally cagey then and got the same advice.

Do you really think anything has changed since then, that there will be someone in the same situation reading this? That's extremely unlikely. Even more unlikley is that there is anyone out there as foolish as you are.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/10/2015 15:27

To be fair, it might be something not heinous at all, such as being a journalist, or being wrongly suspected of being a spy, sort of thing. He may not be in prison for anything awful that he's done, from most people's point of view (clearly not that of the country he was in, however). That only leaves the cheating and the drug taking... Hmm

I would respectfully remind posters that this is not AIBU but Relationships. A robust "LTB" or even a "What the hell were you thinking?" is permissible, but putting the boot in to the OP is not quite the thing.

Original poster
entersandmum · 29/10/2015 15:28

summer he has witnesses who can say it wasn't him. And no charges have been brought before him yet.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 29/10/2015 15:28

So he cheated for 2 years, got a massive drug problem and is charged with attempted murder.

He sounds like a catch, marry him immediately and pop a few kids, life will be amazing with him

Hopefulnewbie · 29/10/2015 15:30

Attempted murder? A cheater and a druggie ? 'Tara mate' is what I'd be saying.
I get the impression though that whatever we all say you are still going to stick up for him and stand by him (your decision entirely) .. So I don't really get why you are posting again

Anniegetyourgun · 29/10/2015 15:31

Ah... x-posted with rather an important couple of details. He is in an EU country, and the accusation is something extremely heinous. As you were then. Everyone who has put the boot in since 15:18:40 is probably right!

LeaLeander · 29/10/2015 15:33

We all only get one shot at life on earth.

No way would I waste part of mine on a cheating drugger who can't seem to stay out of trouble. Lots of tourists (or whatever) manage to go abroad and not get arrested and jailed for attempted murder; do you think he was just unlucky or what? He's a loser!

You should see some sort of therapist to talk about why you need to be needed by dregs like him, frankly.

GummyBunting · 29/10/2015 15:34

You can help him through this awful experience without committing to still being his partner.

Support him and make sure he's getting the help and legal aid he needs, but recognise that chances are you'd be much better without him.

Cheating? LTB
Drug problem? LTB
Locked up for attempted murder? LTB (if you think he could have done it)

All 3? LTB and move house. Maybe change your name.

RiceCrispieTreats · 29/10/2015 15:34

OP. Can you please ask yourself why you are still attached to this person?

Ok, so 1 out of the 3 years you have been together has been good (because he happened not to be cheating on you at the time). Can you see that that is a pretty slim reason to be with a person?

In addition to which, he:

  • has cheated on you
  • is a drug user
  • is in prison for attempted murder.

You realise that any single one of these things is a reason to run very far and very fast? Yet you are not running. What is it that you believe about yourself, and about relationships, that means you are hanging on to this trainwreck?

Do you perhaps have very low self-esteem?
Do you believe that you are responsible for other people?

These are issues that lots of people have, and there are ways to develop healthier beliefs. Hanging on to a drug-using, cheating, possibly murderous boyfriend is guaranteed to keep you down, though.

You deserve better. I hope you can come to believe it.

Original poster
entersandmum · 29/10/2015 15:36

Well. I guess I'm an idiot. He has admitted so much that I suspected whilst in prison.

I think that took a lot for him. Yes, I still have my own questions, that will take place once he is home.

OP posts:
Bishboshbash · 29/10/2015 15:37

You posted about this before and got the same LTB responses, why are you posting again? You are wasting your time on this loser just stop contact with him and move on.

RiceCrispieTreats · 29/10/2015 15:38

You are not an idiot.

But it is likely that you have some warped beliefs about your worth, and about relationships. These would be worth examining with a professional.

It's worth enlisting the support of a professional when you are going through a stressful life event like this.