I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

[WorkingBling]

Argh. You don't want to upset him?! Think about that for a moment - he has overstepped the boundaries and you feel like you are the one who has to pussyfoot around.

Just tell him, calmly and clearly, that you are. It ready to live together and that when you do, yy will have to think about all the logistics like rent and bills etc. I assume you weren't spending every night together before? So why should you now. Just say that you aren't ready for that yet.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

He has a room at a relatives house, so he is by no means out on the streets.

I hadn't thought of his benefits in that way. I just tend to feel sorry for him for not having much money.

It's starting to wear thin though. I've had to ask him to refrain from his thirty minute minimum showers for example. Up until I mentioned it he had no idea he was taking that long. He never brings his own toiletries ( except briefly when I told him it was rude to always use mine) He never brings a dressing gown, jogging bottoms etc and just uses mine.

I'm not sure if I'm just being petty by getting annoyed though? They aren't massive issues in the scheme of things after all.

[Offred]

Yes, i think you should have been clearer with your boundaries and this has arguably given him mixed messages, with hindsight!

However, sneakily moving into someone else's house is really off behaviour! You don't want to upset someone that has just decided to move into your house and use you for free rent, food and bills and to reduce their travel costs at your expense?! Get angry! He is totally taking the piss and doing sadface at you to stop you applying proper adult standards to him!

And you love him? Why?!

[Offred]

What comes across is pity not love tbh.

[fearandloathinginambridge]

If he gets upset when this is pointed out to him, he's an arse

This ^

[RandomMess]

Are you actually allowed to have someone else move in?

I think you need to ask him how he views things, does he want to make living with you a permanent thing?

That opens the door to either say you only want him staying 2 nights per week and/or saying that if he wants to stay 5 nights a week he needs to pay half the council tax, half the bills, half the food etc.

[LovesPeace]

I think you should be grateful you have a man. You should be delighted he's staying with you - otherwise you could become a spinster with multiple cats.

And seriously, what sort of selfish woman isn't happy to pay all the bills to help her now employed boyfriend to build up savings.

Ingrate!

[lighteningirl]

The half hour shower is worrying tbh has he ever paid a bill anywhere?

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

With all the love in the world op, here is a grip. You have gained a lodger who uses all your stuff, doesn't pay his way and has now made you liable for full council tax. But no, you're right, we don't want to upset him, do we?

Put your big girl pants on and have the conversation. And you know what, listen to how he reacts - if he gives you any shit at all, think very hard about your future with this cocklodger.

[Scoobydoo8]

FFS 30 minute showers - is he 16?????????????????????????

How selfishly extravagant.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Unless he has a key I can't see what the problem is? Just be out for a bit if you don't like confrontation.

And if he does have a key ask for it back!

[springydaffs]

Bloody hell! He's totally taking the piss! This is a bloody cocklodger! How DARE he take the piss like this!

He knows FULL WELL this stuff doesn't come free!

30 minute showers??? FFS! And he not giving you a penny!

Look, I've shared my house for 10 years with various paying guests - low rate - and I assure you it's the 'small' things that get one the most. You end up feeling petty but it's NOT petty, it's about respect and boundaries. Even if he has no money he could bring eg shampoo/shower gel to show willing, to show he's not totally taking the piss. As it is he just freeloading.

He is totally taking the piss and doesn't mind one bit upsetting you.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

He's early twenties, and has always lived with relatives. So no, he's never paid a bill in his life.

I will speak to him tonight. Not that I get in from work until 11pm.

Oh and my voluntary job don't mind him staying. Although he would have to have a crb check to officially be here permanently.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, I thought I recognised you from previous threads. You have threads in August and September where you've discussed this guy. He really is the laziest person I've heard of and he's really taking advantage of you.

It was suggested you took the Freedom Programme and I really think you should do something like that and boot him back to his family. He will drain you of all your resources, physically, mentally and financially.

[Muckogy]

another cocklodger...........
just in time to see the month of cocktober (as another mumsnetter called it) out.

[Muckogy]

cocklodger..... cockroach.....
both a pest.
they move in without asking and then won't pay rent.
you kill one and then another pops up
expensive to get rid of.
the play dirty.
they spread disease.

[LittleFeileFooFoo]

[Muckogy]

what have i left out??

[MissMarpleCat]

You seem to have acquired yourself a cocklodger in cocktober. Chase him out with a broom.....

[JessicaTreuhaft]

Muckology... they will both still be doing their shit come the end of the world.

[Muckogy]

i'll go get the Raid.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Does he have a key?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

He's got my spare key, so yes.

[5BlueHydrangea]

Yes, a 'chat' is needed.. maybe (?) he doesn't get it, how much it costs you etc. but using all your stuff when he is there so much is what selfish? lazy?? something not right.. Sounds very immature

Get a water shower timer thing free from the water board. Times 4 minutes, should be plenty of time unless he has really long hair he washes daily. What on earth does he take half an hour for?! Maybe don't answer that..

I would be very careful about the council tax issue. If he's been there since April (And logically of course he has a key right??) that's 6 months of 25% extra they could be chasing you for. May be able to get that off as on benefits for some of it but there is a good chance they would expect you to pay up, especially as not delared to them.