I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

[timelytess]

If you were mine, I'd be worried to death about this.
From you he gets:
companionship - presumably
sex
domestic services
accommodation
food
and pocket money because you don't take any of his benefit as contributions to household expenses
So what do you get from him? I know, I know, people are calling cocklodger all over the thread.
You are being used. Its not nice. Put a stop to it.

[timelytess]

to answer the question in the thread title... you throw him out!

[Eminado]

COCKLODGER alert !!!!

He wears your clothes?! Omfg!!! Please nip this in the bud immediately!

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I was single though offred. I was single for over 2 years after I split up with my ex fiancee. While I was the only men I ever met were immature fools ( regardless of what age they were) Who all just wanted one thing.

I'm just tired of it all quite frankly. I'm so exhausted most of the time that I don't even have the energy to be pleasant to another person at the end of the day.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I quite like a man in women's clothes Eminado

It's the NEVER bringing his own sleeping garments, and just assuming he can use all my stuff that pisses me off...

[Offred]

Have you ever spent time focusing on yourself though?

There's a difference between being single and dating and being single and being single IFYSWIM? If you are losing yourself when in a relationship/dating it is usually a good indication that you need to swerve men and focus on you for awhile.

I've got a BF atm but things are not serious. I'm happy living by myself. Have realised I don't want to be married and don't really ever want to live with anyone ever again etc and I'm maintaining those boundaries atm. It's all a work in progress!

For you, this guy can't be right for you IMO. He has trampled all over your boundaries and feelings for his own gain. Even if he has redeeming features it's not something a relationship can come back from IMO/E. He's just going to wonder why he can't have the things you've let him get away with in the past and always be pushing you for more than you want to give.

[springydaffs]

Bloody hell op, what's going on? This is sending a very clear message about how you see yourself...

How did the relationship end with ex-fiance?

Have you had any therapy? Do. Get to unpick this, where it's coming from, why you think this is all you can get.

He's actually leeching everything off you, even your clothes! No boundaries, zero boundaries at all!

[lavenderhoney]

Well, now he's working he can pay half of everything and all that he owes you from freeloading. He'll be off like a shot. Does he think you're his mum?

its not clear- do you want to stay with him or not? If you do, get him cba checked as you say he needs that to live there, and to have a key- and let it continue.

If not, tell him you've a old friend coming to stay and you want to spend time with them - and they have things to discuss in private.

Doesn't he have any mates? Isn't it a bit weird he is just in your house and life all the time? His family must think it strange as well.

[NeferNeferuAten]

You get rid.

You sound so deeply unhappy - and most of that is being caused by him. That part is solvable.

He is taking advantage of you in every way possible. You really are worth more.

[Choughed]

OP you are just too nice for your own good. Just tell him politely but firmly that now he's on his feet then he needs to sort out his own accommodation.

And it's not just about the money (though that's a big issue). Moving in with each other should be a conscious decision, dis cued, thought through and agreed on.

[Choughed]

*discussed

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I don't think I ever want to live with a man full time again either. It's too much like hard work.

It was complicated with my ex (isn't it always?) I'm still not 100% sure what happened to be honest. I miss him so much. It's pathetic, but I feel like my life ended in a way when he left it. I've never felt the same since, and I haven't even seen him in four years...

He has friends, but they are all unemployed and basically do nothing all day. He NEVER goes to the pub with them, on nights out etc. The only times he goes out is when I arrange nights out with my friend.

It's almost like there's this big void in his life, and only me to fill it. He's actually really intelligent, but he just seems so...stuck?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

My friends. I do actually have more than one friend

[Yseulte]

Stuck and lazy and a ligger.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Well quite Arfarfanarf.

I was just speaking to my mum earlier, and saying that he will probably loose the job within a week if he has to commute from home.

Then I thought " which isn't my bloody problem. He's an adult"

[Offred]

You are bothering about upsetting him because by being so helpless he has made you feel as though you are 100% responsible for his feelings.

You aren't.

He's responsible for how his behaviour is making you feel. You aren't his mother, you are meant to be his partner.

I appreciate it's difficult and I expect that he won't take any putting in of boundaries from you very well but you still need to do it because you need to prioritise yourself on this one.

You don't think you want to live with anyone = he can't live there. The fact he has moved in on the sly makes it 100x worse.

[MrsMolesworth]

OP NamechangeNell is right. You need a good man or none at all. Men cabn't walk all over you if you don't let them. He's treating you as a mummy figure and himself as an adolescent.

[Corygal]

Look, being made to feel foully guilty when it comes to not wanting to support an adult ma like a newborn baby is awful OP. But there is only one way out. Do it in bits if you can't face a row.

Get the keys back first.

Tell him you're paying bills etc and where is his share for what he's already had. Tell him on Sunday he's going back to his relations.

He's twisting your tail, whether or not it's deliberate. This isn't a relationship that will last, so you might as well end it now.

[Isetan]

He's an opportunist and you are providing the opportunity. Your attitude (you don't want to upset him, you feel sorry for him) and lack of boundaries enables this man to take the proverbial.

You are unwittingly contributing to a parent child dynamic which only discourages him from taking responsibility. Loving and supporting someone doesn't mean being their doormat.

[springydaffs]

Or you could say haha very funny, back to the real world now chum. Nice while it lasted - FOR HIM - but all good things come to an end eventually.

[Anniegetyourgun]

He's going to lose this job anyway, isn't he? Are you perhaps waiting until that happens so it can't be made out to be your fault?

As a matter of interest, what would the commute be like from his usual residence compared with yours?

[Scoobydoo8]

If this has been going on for months and you have posted before we are all wasting our time aren't we - us posters that is.

Anyhow - if you talk to him and give him cop out options what will happen is that he will buy some showergel, give you the money for this years council tax (scrounged from someone else), very very proudly put some milk, bread, a couple of pizzas, on the kitchen table and await your gratitude as he has gone to the trouble of getting in dinner for you - then - life will go on exactly as before......

..... and you will be wringing your hands and whinging on mn next month just as you are here.

The solution of course is very complex. You tell him tonight that he must move out as you prefer to live alone. Oh, and could you have your key back (otherwise you will have the expense of changing the locks after he has moved out)

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Ouch Scooby! Although there's admittedly a lot of truth in what you've said. I can actually see the bit about the pizza's coming true.

Perhaps I AM subconsciously waiting for him to loose his job. I am of course completely enabling him. You are all completely correct in that. My problem is always wanting to help people ( both my jobs are in the helping professions) and then getting annoyed when they take the piss.

His commute would be about an hour and a half. He couldn't even afford it right now; given that he won't get paid for 2 weeks. He doesn't have to start until 10am though. Better than me. My journey Is an hour, and I frequently do 8am starts!

[AnyFucker]

< checks OP's forehead >

yep, there is M U G tattoed on it