I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I'm already on medication for depression, but I think I'm going to go back and ask for a higher dose.

I've tried cbt through nhs, but it didn't work for me. Ditto with person centred. I'm on waiting list again now.

I was seeing a really good existential psychotherapist last year, but it was private & I couldn't afford to keep going.

[xSummerStarsx]

OP- Have just read the whole thread.

First, re BF- Thank god you asked him to leave, if you can barely afford to support yourself, I honestly don't know how he can live with himself expecting you to support him too. He sounds lazy and selfish, two really unattractive traits. I'm another baffled as to how you could find him sexually attractive personally. I am attracted to powerful, successful, ambitious men, I honestly can't imagine fancying someone who can't hold down a job and is a massive cock lodger, sorry if that sounds harsh, but seriously, you can do so much better.

Re the job, it's not clear, are you a freelance groom or are these 2 horses yours? If the former, and you are only doing 2 horses a day, could you not try and up the amount of horses you do? If the latter, I understand you are protective, but come spring, so long as they're broken and safe and sane, it might be worth trying to find a competent rider who can't afford their own to give you a bit of help/ a break?

Seriously, things WILL get better but your 'DP' needs to learn to stand on his own two feet before he can be a good boyfriend to ANYONE and he'll only do that if you show him tough love!

[FishWithABicycle]

You are not a horrible person OP. You are a lovely person. Attempting to fix this manchild is not, in the long run, a kindness. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to let them learn to stand on their own two feet. Of course he wants you to feel responsible for him and will try to manipulate you into feeling responsible for anything negative that happens in his life, but that is HIM being a horrible person (and disguising it well) NOT you.

[TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton]

Attempting to fix this manchild is not, in the long run, a kindness.

Agreed - not for either of you.

I think you need to get over all the guilt op - I've been on ADs before so totally get it, but you need to stop looking after him. He chooses his behaviour and you are not responsible for it in any way.

[Cabrinha]

How on EARTH do you have a good sex life with a man that treats you like shit? My clit would turn in on itself like a flipping snail if someone treated me like that then touched me. Ugh. Grim.

[pocketsaviour]

Cabrinha - "like a snail"

So glad he's gone OP. Really well done.

I understand you may not be ready to cut contact yet. Can you try to detach a but? EG if he calls you and says "I couldn't do door to door and they've let me go", rather than trying to fix it for him, can you mentally step back and say something like "Oh dear. So what are you going to do now?"

This reinforces that it is HIS responsibility to sort out his own employment. Seeing as,you know, he's an adult.

[AcrossthePond55]

If you feel CBT didn't work for you, you may want to consider CDT (Cognitive Dialectic Therapy). It's really seemed to work quite well for my brother. He says he doesn't have a lot of 'black thinking' and is able to work through when he does.

You're doing well. As long as you keep your own well-being foremost in your mind, you'll be able to keep him where he belongs (out of your home). Remember that it's not only better for you, it's better for him, too, as he's being forced to confront his own problems. Encourage him to seek help, too.

[expatinscotland]

Go back to the GP for a higher dose. I really hope you can use some of the advice given here to break this cycle of attaching yourself to men children who have no interest in taking responsibility for themselves.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I know trying to fix him isn't doing either of us any good. I told him as much last night.

He's just stuck in a self defeating pattern that even he has no ability to explain. He says that he just wants to make me happy, but he fails to grasp that him taking responsibility for himself would make me happier than anything.

The worst thing is that I was JUST like him once, and I have any almost psychic insight into his thought processes.

I haven't tried DBT, but I will look into it. I really would prefer not to go onto an (even) higher dose of ADs, but it might have to happen.

He is also on ADs and on a waiting list for counselling. Although he's been for counselling before and never stick it out. He said the therapist said he was only going to get six thirty minutes sessions; which seemed incredibly odd.

[TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton]

op I was once put onto a higher AD dose and it didn't help at all. I am of the opinion that depression is like being in a deep hole: medication will help to make the hole somewhat shallower, but you've still got to climb out of it yourself. For me, developing new ways of thinking (a book on CBT helped enormously) + taking my ADs was the climbing-out approach that worked. Eventually the ways of thinking became second-nature (took a while) and I was able to come off the ADs. I went back on them 2 years later when I was a SAHM and hating it but that's another story!!

The point is that maybe you need to change something other than your dose level - do consult the doctor, but bear in mind that you may need to adopt a multi-level strategy for this. You know, in addition to your other 2 jobs

Worth a try anyway, I think.

[Scoobydoo8]

and casts himself in the role of helpless bystander in his own life

Well co-depending him to continue in this fashion is NOT helping him.
Really. I have a family member like this - I can see we should have stepped back 40 years ago to allow him to work it out himself!!

I think you sound v angry, I would say, which is contributing to your depression, having been in a similar situation myself - you are 'trapped' and that is what is freaking you out. Stuck in a poorly paid job, stuck with a dependent boyfriend, stuck with no money. No wonder you feel weighed down. Start planning a different future OP. Baby steps. Ditch boyfriend.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I am angry Scooby. Furiously, incandescently angry. Mostly from the fact that I feel everybody just wants me to help them, but I have nobody (apart from one very good friend) who helps me unconditionally.

Things aren't all hopeless though. I have a better job offer on the horizon. Plus I'm planning to start my own (tiny) business next year.

[NameChange30]

Potential job offer and new business sound VERY promising

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Oh and you are totally right countess; ADs on their own aren't the solution. I need a certain type though as I have terrible insomnia / sleeping patterns. I've been on and off ADs all my adult life.

[Scoobydoo8]

Imo the feeling of helplessness to change things makes you depressed.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

The horses are both mine Summer. I don't see them everyday as they are nearly an hour and a half away in the next county (on full grass livery) I try to see them at least 4 times a week though. I worry about them, and feel so guilty when I don't see them.

My (nearly) 4 year old could probably go on a share, but not my 5 year old. He is an extremely difficult horse. It takes a lot of work just to stop him becoming quite problematic and dangerous.

I love him dearly though. I have a soft spot for things that irritate me in both my men and my beasts.??

[AnyFucker]

Why can't you have the horses nearer ?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

It definitely does Scooby. Also seeing nothing changing makes me depressed.

Not in my own life clearly. I've made loads of changes this year...

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Because good full grass livery places within even that distance of London are rarer than hens teeth AF. It's a really secure yard, and I have peace of mind knowing they are well looked after.

I cant afford full or part livery. DIY is out of the question as my awkward working hours would make going every day impossible.

I'm basically a rather poor person who has ended up with a very expensive passion in life!

I don't begrudge it one bit though. They are the most precious things I have

[AnyFucker]

My sis is a mad horsey prson. My mind boggles at how much it costs. But she tells me that when she rides out, she is the happiest she can ever be.

[lavenderhoney]

I used to love riding out. The early mornings, sun coming up and cantering over the downs:) or taking your feet out if the stirrups on a balmy day, on a bridle way through a wheat field and letting the wheat crack against your feet. Awesome:)

Op, he's gone. Concentrate on you now. You need to get yourself sorted before you start rescuing anyone else. And you won't want to when you're happy with yourself. You'll roll your eyes and think " nooooo!" And I mean that very nicely.

Have you thought of loaning out? I loaned out my horse when I was doing final exams and it worked out very well. There are lovely horsey types out there, and they like a challenge:)

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Exactly Lavender. Although hacks out on my boy are usually slightly more unpredictable and danger filled.

Did you loan to a friend? I think I'd make a terrible sharer. Staring over their shoulder every minute and going "don't do that"?? I don't think any sane person would loan my 5 year old. He is the naughtiest, cheekiest, stubbornest & most infuriating animal I've known in 25 years of riding! Luckily my other one is an angel. Thank God!

[LittleFrankenFooFoo]

Op, your 5 year old may do well with another rider, I've found that I can be more tense than my horse, and that sometimes I'm the reason he's so cheeky! Perhaps another person can help the both of you relax together.

[AnyFucker]

Sounds like we need a horse riding topic

[lavenderhoney]

No, to a stranger. She was a mental health worker and I'm afraid i disliked her on sight. My horse had other ideas and clearly adored the woman. She also worked with rehabilting people attacked by animals, and she had a whole menagerie of pets used to help her and patients. Actually she was a really nice person- but we had a mutual dislike we acknowledged and got on with it.

I also gave a few ponies away- I had one that was a nightmare with me, but bizarrely on a random day helping at Riding for the disabled, proved himself to be awesome and he found his calling. He would bugger me about but would stand like a rock for a child or adult trying to mount him from a stand. He walked quietly and stopped when he felt them wobble. He was a previous champion show jumper and drama queen:)

And another I gave to a girl who had had someone sexually attack her hoarse and it died of its injuries. I knew her, and she was indescribably happy to be able to have another pony.

Also, we rescued a mare and foal from neglect from gypsies. They said they'd take £50 for the emaciated old mare. Then they handed my DM her foal- it had been locked in a shed. It had moon blindness from being bitten by infected rats. We gave the foal ( after recovery) to a woman whose own horse had been killed by a rtf.

AF - I haven't ridden since my horse passed away. Its just memories:)


Op- people aren't horses. People get to choose.