I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

[mix56]

whosthe, I hope you are OK & enjoy your horses today. I hope the the bf has gone somewhere out of your radar, & that you are not seeing him & waiting for him, & paying for him, & being his private shrink..... He will still be clinging to you like a limpet. He has no one else to use. Please believe you are worth more than this, & anyway, having NO BF is better than a rubbish one

[RandomMess]

Well actually the area I've just moved to doesn't even have a psychotherapy service anymore....

But yes both where I lived before and where I live now you have your poxy telephone assessment, then counselling (yes been there with the awful one), then passed on to the next step. It is just jumping through the hoops until you get the sort of treatment you actually need I'm afraid.

[Offred]

I will tell him that, cos he's down on the list for counselling again. As am I.

But he doesn't want to get better! Telling him that is just more acting like his mother. He is not getting better because he doesn't want to, not because he isn't getting enough/the right support!

[whostheJohnsonnow]

That's interesting Random. So they let you access psychotherapy once you'd gone through the six sessions? I will tell him that, cos he's down on the list for counselling again. As am I.

There's always that worry about what your counsellors going to be like as well. I've had some awful counsellors I my time; who clearly didn't know what I was talking about

[RandomMess]

I'm glad you've made some progress.

I will add though 6 sessions of 45 minutes counselling on the NHS is completely believable, that is what I had to go through to get back to psychotherapy. Provision has been cut so deeply that despite your history they try and fob you off with that as then they can tick the box that you received treatment within the required amount of time. The fact it's neither use nor ornament for depression seems to be beside the point...

Still not your problem though!

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Oh and that's an amazing horsey tale Lavender?? You have done some wonderful, generous things for both horses and people.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

That's helpful Scooby

Yes, it is one of my weaker areas. Then again; I'm not flawless and my life is a work in progress. Much the same as everybody else on this thread...

[Scoobydoo8]

Not in my own life clearly. I've made loads of changes this year...

But not the need to be nice, or to be seen to be nice, if you couldn't chuck him out.

[FishWithABicycle]

When he says he wants to make you happy he means 'I want you to stop moaning at me and give me what I want'.

^ this.

[Offred]

It has been said before up thread but;

He's just stuck in a self defeating pattern that even he has no ability to explain. He says that he just wants to make me happy, but he fails to grasp that him taking responsibility for himself would make me happier than anything.

You need to stop believing this about him. He is not stuck, he can explain it. He is just never going to explain it to you because he is leeching off you. He has chosen to do that, he continues to choose to do that, he feels entitled to do it and if he explained that he would (I hope) either lose you or lose the mothering from you.

When he says he wants to make you happy he means 'I want you to stop moaning at me and give me what I want'.

[lavenderhoney]

No, to a stranger. She was a mental health worker and I'm afraid i disliked her on sight. My horse had other ideas and clearly adored the woman. She also worked with rehabilting people attacked by animals, and she had a whole menagerie of pets used to help her and patients. Actually she was a really nice person- but we had a mutual dislike we acknowledged and got on with it.

I also gave a few ponies away- I had one that was a nightmare with me, but bizarrely on a random day helping at Riding for the disabled, proved himself to be awesome and he found his calling. He would bugger me about but would stand like a rock for a child or adult trying to mount him from a stand. He walked quietly and stopped when he felt them wobble. He was a previous champion show jumper and drama queen:)

And another I gave to a girl who had had someone sexually attack her hoarse and it died of its injuries. I knew her, and she was indescribably happy to be able to have another pony.

Also, we rescued a mare and foal from neglect from gypsies. They said they'd take £50 for the emaciated old mare. Then they handed my DM her foal- it had been locked in a shed. It had moon blindness from being bitten by infected rats. We gave the foal ( after recovery) to a woman whose own horse had been killed by a rtf.

AF - I haven't ridden since my horse passed away. Its just memories:)


Op- people aren't horses. People get to choose.

[AnyFucker]

Sounds like we need a horse riding topic

[LittleFrankenFooFoo]

Op, your 5 year old may do well with another rider, I've found that I can be more tense than my horse, and that sometimes I'm the reason he's so cheeky! Perhaps another person can help the both of you relax together.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Exactly Lavender. Although hacks out on my boy are usually slightly more unpredictable and danger filled.

Did you loan to a friend? I think I'd make a terrible sharer. Staring over their shoulder every minute and going "don't do that"?? I don't think any sane person would loan my 5 year old. He is the naughtiest, cheekiest, stubbornest & most infuriating animal I've known in 25 years of riding! Luckily my other one is an angel. Thank God!

[lavenderhoney]

I used to love riding out. The early mornings, sun coming up and cantering over the downs:) or taking your feet out if the stirrups on a balmy day, on a bridle way through a wheat field and letting the wheat crack against your feet. Awesome:)

Op, he's gone. Concentrate on you now. You need to get yourself sorted before you start rescuing anyone else. And you won't want to when you're happy with yourself. You'll roll your eyes and think " nooooo!" And I mean that very nicely.

Have you thought of loaning out? I loaned out my horse when I was doing final exams and it worked out very well. There are lovely horsey types out there, and they like a challenge:)

[AnyFucker]

My sis is a mad horsey prson. My mind boggles at how much it costs. But she tells me that when she rides out, she is the happiest she can ever be.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Because good full grass livery places within even that distance of London are rarer than hens teeth AF. It's a really secure yard, and I have peace of mind knowing they are well looked after.

I cant afford full or part livery. DIY is out of the question as my awkward working hours would make going every day impossible.

I'm basically a rather poor person who has ended up with a very expensive passion in life!

I don't begrudge it one bit though. They are the most precious things I have

[whostheJohnsonnow]

It definitely does Scooby. Also seeing nothing changing makes me depressed.

Not in my own life clearly. I've made loads of changes this year...

[AnyFucker]

Why can't you have the horses nearer ?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

The horses are both mine Summer. I don't see them everyday as they are nearly an hour and a half away in the next county (on full grass livery) I try to see them at least 4 times a week though. I worry about them, and feel so guilty when I don't see them.

My (nearly) 4 year old could probably go on a share, but not my 5 year old. He is an extremely difficult horse. It takes a lot of work just to stop him becoming quite problematic and dangerous.

I love him dearly though. I have a soft spot for things that irritate me in both my men and my beasts.??

[Scoobydoo8]

Imo the feeling of helplessness to change things makes you depressed.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Oh and you are totally right countess; ADs on their own aren't the solution. I need a certain type though as I have terrible insomnia / sleeping patterns. I've been on and off ADs all my adult life.

[NameChange30]

Potential job offer and new business sound VERY promising

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I am angry Scooby. Furiously, incandescently angry. Mostly from the fact that I feel everybody just wants me to help them, but I have nobody (apart from one very good friend) who helps me unconditionally.

Things aren't all hopeless though. I have a better job offer on the horizon. Plus I'm planning to start my own (tiny) business next year.

[Scoobydoo8]

and casts himself in the role of helpless bystander in his own life

Well co-depending him to continue in this fashion is NOT helping him.
Really. I have a family member like this - I can see we should have stepped back 40 years ago to allow him to work it out himself!!

I think you sound v angry, I would say, which is contributing to your depression, having been in a similar situation myself - you are 'trapped' and that is what is freaking you out. Stuck in a poorly paid job, stuck with a dependent boyfriend, stuck with no money. No wonder you feel weighed down. Start planning a different future OP. Baby steps. Ditch boyfriend.