I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

[DoreenLethal]

I am sorry love but that's not a live in boyfriend! That's a leech.

[ChiefInspectorBarnaby]

Aaaaaaand dump.

[Fugghetaboutit]

Why is it always women perceived to be 'gold diggers' when I've seen countless threads like this over the years of leeching men, and I've experienced it first hand! Men used me for money, for my car. It definitely goes both ways.

[BabyGanoush]

Leech

You are worried about upsetting him. He doesn't even think twice about upsetting you.

The trap women fall into: feeling responsible for keeping the peace

[WhyDoesGastonBark]

Oh dear just get rid of him...

I have no idea how old you are but am assuming he is younger based on your life experience and you saying he is early 20's... He sounds like he behaves like you are his mum!

He won't change, you'll end up supporting him forever.

The reason you call your OH a partner is because it is supposed to be a partnership, not one person doing all the work.

I got annoyed by him when I read your posts!! Boot him out and find a good one!

[iamanintrovert]

I can tell from reading your posts that you're really not that into him. Let him go.

[momb]

If you want to maintain a relationship with him, try:
'I don't think that our relationship has got to the point where we should be thinking about living together and to be honest, I can't afford the additional council tax and bills at the moment. I'm really glad you have this new job but it is temporary and there's a risk that we are moving too fast because of it. How quickly can you move back to X's place? Then maybe we can more time together and you stay over here a couple of nights a week?'

[OTheHugeManatee]

It sounds like 1) you're afraid of being alone 2) you've been conditioned to expect very little from anyone, ever and 3) you're mortally afraid of being seen as a bad person. Newsflash: the world won't end if he thinks you're a big meanypants, and he will probably respect you more if you show you're not a chronic soft touch.

Kick this man out. If he's worth it he'll sort himself out and get independent so he can be with you as an equal rather than as a bedraggled stray who sponges off you needs looking after.

If he doesn't, then you'll know he wasn't worth it anyway.

[Fugghetaboutit]

^and you'll respect yourself more too, because that's what's lacking.

[LisbethSalandersLaptop]

fucking cocklodger

[ENtertainmentAppreciated]

It all reads like you want validation here for your wants and feelings. You don't need it, you're two adults, just tell him.

"I didn't mind doing you a short term favour to help you out, but I'm not wanting/ready to live with you/anyone"

Soften as you see fit, but don't dress it up, be concise and straight to the point.
If the relationship fails it doesn't sound like much of a loss to me.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Just as a general rule never live with someone who has never lived independently without having to cope with loo roll, bills etc.

That is so true Fish and not just for partners. I flat shared for 10 years and the only time I had a real issue was when I shared with a fresher.

[Ponytailandquiff]

The number of men I know who don't work/don't want to work/have no intention of working astounds me.

And the number of men who dont live independently is ridiculous. I'm not talking about men who need somewhere to stay for a few months post-divorce until they find their feet, but adult men who have been with their parents for years because they don't want to pay or support themselves. I can't think of any women I know in this situation.

I wonder how long he'll last in this job op?

[Cabrinha]

You absolute fool.
Sorry, but you need to know that.
He lives with you.
YOU LET HIM USE YOUR ADDRESS.
As far as authorities are concerned, they could very well decide that he is living with you.
So, when you lose your job (with accommodation, in London?! Kinda worth hanging onto) for breaking their rules in him not being DBS checked, are you going to have your bloody horse put to sleep because you can't afford it?
Are you?

And you know what? There's a REASON your employer wants a DBS check for people staying there. And presumably that's to keep other people SAFE. Some scrounging loser stoner... you sure he'd pass the check? Mmmmmm?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I have been a fool. I honestly didn't think it through. I just really wanted to help him find a job, and there are far more opportunities in London than back in his home town.

Tonight I am going to tell him:

A) He needs to change his address back to his relatives with his employers, as I am not prepared to get into trouble with the authorities.

B) That he can stay this week, so that he can find his feet with his job. After that he is going to have to commute. He doesn't get paid for 2 weeks, and I don't have the spare cash to feed an extra mouth for a fortnight.

I'm also going to fib and say that he's been spotted going in and out of my flat by people from my voluntary job, and that my boss has said it has to stop.

Then I will see what happens/what he says. Hopefully it won't be like the weekend when he told me I was "being irrational" when I told him my concerns about him trying to move in.

As another annoyance which has fuelled my determination...I text him earlier asking how work was. He text back and didn't even ask how my horse was, or what the vet said!

[DoreenLethal]

Oh yeah, you are so irrational, wanting him to pay his way. What are the chances?

My one piece of advice would be to own your opinions love. Don't make excuses or make up reasons. Even if you had no other reason, not wanting him to live there is enough for you to decide that it is not going to happen any more.

[Offred]

So you have already told him once and he dismissed and gaslighted you and carried on moving in anyway?

You need to go in much harder I think. No excuses, no making things up to spare his feelings. Tell him straight. 'Last time I told you I was unhappy and thought you were trying to move on without discussing it with me you told me I was being irrational. That time I have you the benefit of the doubt but it is abundantly clear now that I shouldn't have done because you have done exactly that. This is my home, you do not live here. It's my food you are eating and my bills you are running up and my bed that you can't be bothered to get out of to even say bye to me when I was going to meet the vet the other day. You have more than out stayed your welcome and are totally taking the piss now so piss off back to your own home' if he doesn't go tell him he has no right to stay and you will call the police.

[Cabrinha]

I wouldn't want a boyfriend who called me irrational.
Your reason for him having to move out could simply be that you're dumping him, no?

[Offred]

This is not something that requires any input or discussion from him. Of course he will say you are mad or mean or too angry or dismiss you in some way but it is not a discussion. It is a statement you are making to him.

[DinosaursRoar]

Re you not wantng to live with someone else - you might find you feel differently when it's the right person. If you can't imagine sharing your life with this bloke, then he's not the right one. Which is fine for a bit of fun, but if it's not fun anymore, then don't bother. Being alone with the potential to meet someone you can share your life with is far better than settling for someone you don't really like.

[Fugghetaboutit]

Are you the poster whose bf wouldn't carry your bags up the stairs? He's a right tosser.

[LisbethSalandersLaptop]

he told you that you were 'irrational' because you dont want him in your flat? You do see what he is trying to do there?
honestly OP, just take his keys off him and tell him to find himself his own place.