I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I know AF. I will speak to him about it.

I am not good at asserting myself though, so I usually overcompensate by getting annoyed and shouting. I've got a lot of stress right now, and I think I'm basically trying to avoid another stressful situation. Pathetic I know

[Penfold007]

OP the minute you let him use your address and start regularly staying over you became 'a couple' as far as the authorities are concerned. Your DBS status and tenancy are at risk and no I'm not exaggerating. You are currently fraudulently claiming the council tax discount, if he is claiming any benefits your income needs to be declared to avoid fraud. Fraud equals a criminal conviction so you won't pass your DBS check. Take the key off him, make him leave and inform his HR (don't trust him to do it) that he doesn't live at your address.

Take control or accept the consequences.

[IjustGotmy2016diary]

Did he take the job thinking that he could stay at yours? He really comes accross as a pathetic man child.

You don't sound happy in your relationship anyway. I think you should finish it completely and do some inner searching as to why you are trying to "save" him at the expense of your own happiness.

[Trills]

I am not good at asserting myself though, so I usually overcompensate by getting annoyed and shouting.

So go and be annoyed at him then.

You SHOULD be annoyed at how he's behaved.

He might act all confused and hurt - why are you upset with him - you weren't upset before.

Because nobody has ever expected him to act like an adult.

But that's not your problem.

[Anastasie]

Ok, this is a good time to talk to him.

You can give him a two week date to move back home and start commuting properly. Once he gets paid, that is it, you get your key back and you let him stay over once a week on a Friday or Saturday or whatever works for you.

Or just bin him off, because it's never going to change is it? Imagine having kids with this guy.

[DoreenLethal]

'Hi. We need to talk. This whole 'letting you use this address' has turned into 'you living here', this has implications for council tax, rent, utilities, food and you don't even bring your own clothes and I am not ready to live with someone else. Now that you have the job, you need to commute to work from your own home and we need to go back to seeing each other at weekends. So I will need your key back and you will need to go back home tomorrow night. ta'.

[Scoobydoo8]

If you do want to help this guy the best thing would be to wave byebye, so he is forced to get a job and start learning to stand on his own two feet.

[Trills]

tell him you can't afford to pay the extra,so can you set up a DD from his account for the rest

What, get him to pay 1/4 of council tax?

How would that help?

She doesn't want him to live there.

And if she were happy for him to live there, he shouldn't just be paying "the rest", he should be paying a fair share of all costs.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Don't ask him for contributions to bills as you don't want him living there! If you open a discussion about him paying bills you will find it even harder to back out if he agrees. Remember your endgame - it's not money.

[Trills]

Unless you're scared of him there's no benefit to playing games with tax bills and hoping that he'll leave, rather than just telling him that you want him to leave.

[Notgrumpyjustquiet]

Sorry if this has already been covered but I think you need to be really clear in your own mind what you intend to get from the conversation before you raise the subject. Do you just not want to live with him, or are you pissed off because you want him to provide his own toiletries and contribute to the poll tax? If you don't want to live with him even if he DID get his own dressing gown then make the conversation be about not wanting to live with him. Otherwise I suspect you'll just get a load of guff about how you're making a fuss and he'll promise to contribute a bit more from now on if you're going to get arsey about it (I'm being him there obvs) and he'll still be there and you'll still be on the back foot.

[Notgrumpyjustquiet]

Haha yes I think most of my response HAS been covered (apologies, dodgy wifi didn't update the page...)

[whostheJohnsonnow]

It was helpful Kitty, so no need to apologise. I see what you meant about shocking him regarding the cost of the bills.

The waters are somewhat muddied by the fact that I was considering letting him move in at some point. However this was before he got "let go" from his previous job in July, and basically proved that he couldn't really be relied upon. Now I feel there's a LOT of ground to make up before I even consider going there again. Whereas I suspect he feels that him getting another job has just put everything back to how it was four months ago.

I do not want him living with me FT at present. It is as simple as that. I'm too exhausted and grumpy at the end if the day to deal with being pleasant to another human being (awful of me I know) I got in at 11pm last night, and said at 11.30pm that I was going to bed
His response was "what, now?" I had to be out of the flat for 8am this morning and I won't be back until 11pm ffs! He was still in bed when I left. Even though I have to go and attend the vet coming to see my utterly beloved horse this morning before I start work (I suspect he may have a costly, ongoing condition) and I'm really upset about it. It's not his adored replacement child at the end of the day, so perhaps I'm being over sensitive. I just would have appreciated a cuddle and perhaps a caring cuppa this morning. The thought would never even cross his mind though.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Just outed myself massively in that last bit; whilst possibly making myself sound like a bit of a brat

[Offred]

The more you moan to mumsnet the less likely you are to actually do something about what is making you unhappy (him) I think.

I think you would benefit from not only telling him to move out but dumping him tbh.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

I don't mean to moan. I'm sorry.

I definitely will speak to him tonight. It's time I asserted myself a bit more, and I know it.

[Fugghetaboutit]

Op, in the nicest way possible, grow a fucking backbone and kick the cocklodger out.

There's no future with someone like this. How about next time you're on a date going for someone a bit more mature with a job and their own place so they won't encroach on your life as much?

[Fugghetaboutit]

Xpost

[FishWithABicycle]

Just as a general rule never live with someone who has never lived independently without having to cope with loo roll, bills etc. Even if he wasn't taking financial advantage of you it would still be a bad idea to let him move in. Chuck him out. You don't need to give him notice, he has somewhere else to go. Take the key back and tell him to go home because your flat is not his home.

[hebihebi]

I think you know what you have to do. It's never nice doing it but he will be fine and you will be a lot happier without him. Good luck with the talk!

By the way, I disagree with the poster who said it's better to do it in stages. I think with a guy like this he'll stay at his relatives a few days and gradually start moving back in with you again. I think it's better just to end things like ripping a band aid off. A clean blow!

[suzannecaravaggio]

Relationships need to be symbiotic
This one is parasitic