I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

It has been said before up thread but;

He's just stuck in a self defeating pattern that even he has no ability to explain. He says that he just wants to make me happy, but he fails to grasp that him taking responsibility for himself would make me happier than anything.

You need to stop believing this about him. He is not stuck, he can explain it. He is just never going to explain it to you because he is leeching off you. He has chosen to do that, he continues to choose to do that, he feels entitled to do it and if he explained that he would (I hope) either lose you or lose the mothering from you.

When he says he wants to make you happy he means 'I want you to stop moaning at me and give me what I want'.

When he says he wants to make you happy he means 'I want you to stop moaning at me and give me what I want'.

^ this.

Not in my own life clearly. I've made loads of changes this year...

But not the need to be nice, or to be seen to be nice, if you couldn't chuck him out.

That's helpful Scooby

Yes, it is one of my weaker areas. Then again; I'm not flawless and my life is a work in progress. Much the same as everybody else on this thread...

Oh and that's an amazing horsey tale Lavender?? You have done some wonderful, generous things for both horses and people.

I'm glad you've made some progress.

I will add though 6 sessions of 45 minutes counselling on the NHS is completely believable, that is what I had to go through to get back to psychotherapy. Provision has been cut so deeply that despite your history they try and fob you off with that as then they can tick the box that you received treatment within the required amount of time. The fact it's neither use nor ornament for depression seems to be beside the point...

Still not your problem though!

That's interesting Random. So they let you access psychotherapy once you'd gone through the six sessions? I will tell him that, cos he's down on the list for counselling again. As am I.

There's always that worry about what your counsellors going to be like as well. I've had some awful counsellors I my time; who clearly didn't know what I was talking about

I will tell him that, cos he's down on the list for counselling again. As am I.

But he doesn't want to get better! Telling him that is just more acting like his mother. He is not getting better because he doesn't want to, not because he isn't getting enough/the right support!

Well actually the area I've just moved to doesn't even have a psychotherapy service anymore....

But yes both where I lived before and where I live now you have your poxy telephone assessment, then counselling (yes been there with the awful one), then passed on to the next step. It is just jumping through the hoops until you get the sort of treatment you actually need I'm afraid.

whosthe, I hope you are OK & enjoy your horses today. I hope the the bf has gone somewhere out of your radar, & that you are not seeing him & waiting for him, & paying for him, & being his private shrink..... He will still be clinging to you like a limpet. He has no one else to use. Please believe you are worth more than this, & anyway, having NO BF is better than a rubbish one