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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

435 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 26/10/2015 18:15

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 28/10/2015 07:33

stay strong. you can do this.

petalsandstars · 28/10/2015 07:39

Kick him out this morning tell him to be gone before you get home tonight

He sees you as his meal ticket - don't let him stay in your home while you are not there he might trash it.

Trills · 28/10/2015 07:51

Would it be insensitive to just start chanting OUT OUT OUT?

Offred · 28/10/2015 07:52

Yes, I expected him to do this - blame you for being terribly mean to him. He is wrong. He is taking the piss. You will never be able to get through to him and make him see that he is wrong though because he is too convinced of his entitlement. You will need to push through with this even though he is sadface and telling you how mean you are and how you are ruining his job/life/everything.

starlight2007 · 28/10/2015 07:53

Well done on finding your anger... I am not surprised at his response as he was never going to respond well to something that didn't suit him.. Someone who said he doesn't want to work is right..You are never going to an equal relationship..

Spend more time with your horse..I bet he/se shows you more respect.

Offred · 28/10/2015 07:53

If you don't eventually succeed in pushing through with it he will take more and more and more until you are used up and then he will move on to someone else.

mix56 · 28/10/2015 08:00

Make sure he is up when you leave. Any whining, or saying he not going to work... then fine:

Walk him out,
Hand him the train fare to his relatives' ,
Get the key
Shut the door behind you...

He cannot stay in your flat all day feeling badly treated. He is going to try & manipulate you ..... of course it suits him to have FREE lodging near his job, then when he gets his pay, he will put it all in his pocket. Win Win situation..
Any items of his will fit into a carrier bag...... (Cannot BELIEVE he wears your pyjamas.......)
If he is there tonight, it will be more of the same..... & Make sure you have anything valuable safe

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 28/10/2015 08:08

You know that you will feel better when he's gone so just do it.
OUT
OUT
OUT
OUT

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 28/10/2015 08:10

Just read that he wears your pyjamas.

How attractive.

Hmm
Offred · 28/10/2015 08:11

Ownership behaviour... Like a pissy dog....

Offred · 28/10/2015 08:12

'This is all mine. Not yours. Don't get any ideas about asserting your right to your own things/space. I deserve this because things are so difficult for me.'

expatinscotland · 28/10/2015 08:18

'All said while wearing my fucking pyjamas and dressing gown.'

How sexy. WTAF?! That would have been the end of it right there for me.

Get rid today.

What a cocklodger.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/10/2015 08:21

Well done you for having the conversation. I think you're being too kind to him letting him stay for the rest of the week. I'd expect him to be gone by the time I'd get home from work today (if it were me).

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 28/10/2015 08:28

He got up and went to work. It's pissing down in London today, and he's out working on the street. Some small satisfaction.

I actually can't properly recall what was Sai last night now. I'm not clear in what I want apparently. For example I tell him he shouldn't stay in bed, but tell him to go back when he doesn't ( which is true; I sometimes do)

He kept saying he would have money next week. In all fairness he would probably have bought some things for me, but that's not really enough is it? He even said "I brought loads of shopping last week" As if bringing shopping twice in the 6 months I've lived here is a massive fucking deal.

I don't know what to think, and I'm sitting here feeling hurt, guilty, confused and anxious. I've had enough of everything. I feel my life is just an endless mountain of stress that I'm constantly climbing up.

It's almost like people start to despise you when you try and help them. I've told him he has to go tonight once he's picked his stuff up. I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm so scared. I just want to be in a happy relationship, have a family etc. Time I running out for me so quickly. I feel like I will be alone and struggling forever.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/10/2015 08:37

My life is almost unbearable. I work si hard, I'm always so tired.

As soon as he is actually out and you never have to see him again, you will feel a tremendous weight lift from your shoulders. It will be like a holiday. The bills will go down, it will be like a payrise.

Can you imagine how nice it will be? Paint a picture in your mind. I do this when I have no option but to fight through shit if I want to reach a good place. Don't focus on the shit ahead, keep your eye on the happy place.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/10/2015 08:40

Happy relationship in your future? You are doing step 1 correctly, get rid of the bad relationship. Step 2 has got to be finding out why you let the bad ones stick around. Maybe spend some of the money you are no longer spending on him on a few counselling sessions. Or the freedom programme of course.

ALittleFaith · 28/10/2015 08:43

I've just read the full thread. Well done who for talking to him. When you're that tired, it's hard to raise something, especially if you hate confrontation.

I truly believe you can and will have a healthy, balanced relationship in the future but not with this man child. I agree with pp, look at the freedom programme to recognise the patterns you're falling into.

Fwiw I had some unhealthy relationships before I lived totally on my own (previous flat shares etc). Oh how I loved my little flat and living alone. I'm now married and while DH drives me mad at times, I wouldn't be without him. We are a team and he supports me with my anxiety/depression issues. We also both like our own space and quite often go off and do separate activities in the evening. It works for us.

Stay firm and stand your ground with this one. There's more to life than he can give.

ALittleFaith · 28/10/2015 08:44

Ha X-posts Rabbit.

Offred · 28/10/2015 08:46

It's almost like people start to despise you when you try and help them.

He despises you, and everyone because he is avoiding despising himself. You haven't been helping him so much as facilitating his contemptuous behaviour.

You can have a lovely future if you push through with getting him out of your life. If you do some work on yourself and your boundaries so that you are able to better recognise the difference between helping someone and letting them take the piss.

suzannecaravaggio · 28/10/2015 08:50

Do you really want him out?
If so the questions of whether or not he stays in bed etc are irrelevant and there is no reason to be drawn into any discussing or argument about why he has to go

Its your gaff
He doesn't live there

MrsMolesworth · 28/10/2015 08:52

OFFS. He 'got a job like you wanted?' Er, no, he got a job like grown ups do because that's how grown ups pay their way in life, and get on and make progress. Please don't feel bad about yourself. And don't feel bad at all or that life will pass you by. You don't need a leech.

At some point, without any anger, try to explain to him why it's so tough for you, that you work X hours a day plus X hours in voluntary capacity to allow you the flat. that you earn x and pay y for bills. That you do appreciate him buying the groceries occasionally, but you buy them on every single other occasion, that you have cared for him and now you feel ready to have someone care for you. If he doesn't want to swap roles for a while, and pay for you while you cut back on your hours, and pay all the bills for six months while you catch up with yourself financially, then it's probably best to part company.

A good friend of mine ended up marrying on of those gross man-childs. She finally kicked him out when he made a pass at her sister. She was working all hours and forking out money to him. She took control of her life, moved out of London, set up her own business. Last time I saw her, she was a different woman. She had lost loads of weight, she was sparky and beautiful and her home was stunning. All the money she'd sunk into him she now sunk into herself, going on holiday, getting a dog etc. Afaik she doesn't yet have a new man but she has never looked more gorgeous and self confident, so I suspect when she does, it will be someone who respects her as much as she now respects herself. I hope this happens for you too.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2015 08:52

You'll never find a happy relationship if you hang onto this loser.

'In all fairness he would probably have bought some things for me, but that's not really enough is it? He even said "I brought loads of shopping last week" As if bringing shopping twice in the 6 months I've lived here is a massive fucking deal.'

There is nothing fair about this person's behaviour towards you. He has sponged off you for months and never offered you a bean.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2015 08:58

'At some point, without any anger, try to explain to him why it's so tough for you, that you work X hours a day plus X hours in voluntary capacity to allow you the flat. that you earn x and pay y for bills. That you do appreciate him buying the groceries occasionally, but you buy them on every single other occasion, that you have cared for him and now you feel ready to have someone care for you. If he doesn't want to swap roles for a while, and pay for you while you cut back on your hours, and pay all the bills for six months while you catch up with yourself financially, then it's probably best to part company.'

Never, ever stay with an adult to whom you have to explain things like this. This is this type of voice you use to teach children about life.

You should have to show gratitude for a few fucking groceries when he's been contributing nothing, running up the bills and wearing your clothes.

He's a grown up. He should already know this.

Any relationship in which you have to speak to an adult like this is not worth having.

When someone tells you who they are: listen.

GingerIvy · 28/10/2015 08:59

I don't know what to think, and I'm sitting here feeling hurt, guilty, confused and anxious. I've had enough of everything. I feel my life is just an endless mountain of stress that I'm constantly climbing up.

OP, READ that. You said this. Is this what you really think a healthy relationship should feel like?? It absolutely is NOT. You know what to think. You know he needs to go. You need to stay strong and make him leave, because if you do not, you will still be saying this same thing years from now, only you will have sleepwalked into marriage, a couple children, and a miserable life. Right now, you only have a miserable man in your life, which is easily fixed by booting him out.

You cannot find a happy healthy relationship while this person is hanging like a mill stone around your neck, sucking the happiness and life out of you. Move. On. You will feel a million times better once he's left (especially if you cut all contact entirely!), as you will be able to think clearly without him moaning and aggravating you.

eddielizzard · 28/10/2015 09:07

'It's almost like people start to despise you when you try and help them.'

yes, they do. because it's not an equal and healthy dynamic. he doesn't really need your help, it's just easier to take it than make an effort himself. so he resents you for being able to give that help and feels guilty knowing that he doesn't really need it. but it's so much easier to carry on and put you in the position of mum and him petulant child.

really not good for either of you. by making him stand on his own two feet you will actually be doing him a favour.

you've got so much stress in your life clearly. so get rid of the biggest stress by saying goodbye to him. you don't have to break up if you don't want to, but he has to stop taking from you and start giving back.