I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

I'm glad you've told him to leave tonight. STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

When he's left, get yourself some counselling to get to the bottom of why you let people treat you this badly.

Op you're too stressed to think straight and it's in his interest to keep you like that!

Stick to your guns OP. Are you starting work later today? If so, spend the time gathering up his shit so it's ready for him to take. He sounds like so much hard work and so arrogant. If you are working late you could text him to say to pick up his stuff and pop the key through the letterbox (although would you trust him not to takes stuff, trash the place in your absence?)

Has he got a job as a chugger? Sounds like he has the right emotionally manipulative qualities for it.

And I too have wondered about the OP with the army cocklodger.

Gosh, I've just read this thread from start to finish.
WHY do you allow him to do this?
You sound lovely and he is utterly utterly taking the piss!
Get rid of the cock lodger and stop trying to save him. He's not worth it and he will never change.
Worry about you and your horse.

Oh love

For you, every time he says something to you about what you are or what you do to him or who you are, substitute 'mum'.

he's treating you like his mum.

You haven't done anything awful, he's just projecting it onto you.

Please stand by it and ditch his sorry arse. He's a twat.

You are so close now to ending this nightmare time for you, please do not crumble at this important day. Today is going to be the start of the rest of your life without a millstone around your neck. Do not feel sorry for him anymore, close the door ( or slam it) behind him , then take it hour by hour, day by day to get yourself back to your old self.
We are all sending you strength for tonight. .

All the time you are on here, reading & typing, this time you will get back.
The time texting him you will get back. The sad musing over knowing you are unhappy, you will get back. Wishing he would be there with a hug & a cup of soup when you finally get home, will no longer disappoint you. You can stop for a M&S meal & eat it happily in your own NEW pyjamas, you can do what you want. If you want to eat toast in the bath (in the hot water he hasn't all used up) You can...Then simply enjoy your own space.
Whether you are all right, or part wrong doesn't matter a jot. It is your HOME, & you work to keep it, you want your serenity back. It is yours from this evening.
Detach, Detach, Detach. Be strong. NO discussions
remember the Mantra: NO is a complete sentence

What he says and thinks is irrelevant at this stage. What is more important is what you think and how you feel.

So when he talks tonight, do a discreet equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and going "la la la": nod, smile and say, "You're probably right."

Then when he's gone, enjoy the peace and the healthier bank balance! His opinions: who cares, really?

he's a twat.
he's emotionally blackmailing you.
you feel uncomfortable saying 'no' - this much he has sussed out already which is why he has invaded your home.
he will continue to use you for as long as he wants.
but he WILL drop you when a better meal ticket/pair of knickers comes along.
YOU ARE BEING USED.

you sound very vulnerable and i would now suggest counselling.
you would also be within your rights to contact the police and have him forcibly removed.
or get a burly male friend/family member to strong-arm him out of your house for good.

And if he has gone, check all his stuff has gone so he can't pop back, and never talk to him again. Ignore him- hell buzz round for a bit before he finds someone else to leech off.

He goes tonight. There will be no need to call the police. He won't stay if I tell him to go.

I feel so ashamed at myself. I was reduced to a screaming banshee last night, and I feel profoundly depressed that I'm just repeating the same cycle over and over again.

People are saying I will feel better once he's gone, but it runs deeper than that. I feel profoundly depressed and hopeless about every area of my life. Even this flat is a shabby mess. It needs new carpets, repainting, everything. I work like a dog, and I still have nothing

Aww, lovey. You honestly will feel better when you jettison this user. Maybe not right away, but you will. Being alone really is preferable to being badly accompanied. Then you will get more energy to start sorting out the rest of your life, one step at a time.

Well, you can start by setting aside the money you were using to subsidise his idle, exploitative, whinging, skinny little arse and putting it towards a Nice Things For You fund. Just think - in a few weeks you'll have Something, and all because you kicked him out

You have lots, you have a flat in London, you have a good, well paid job/s, you have friends & a hobby that gets you out at the w/e. You have had several boyfriends, but hanging on the the wrong one for ages, isn't going to help.
You are overworked, & have been run down by the Leech... Things are LOOKING UP NOW !

.

OP, it will get better. You are very dynamic and capable, you work 2 jobs, care for a horse... Without Little Mr Needy dragging you down you will fly.

I hope so AF. I honestly used to think we had something special.

Now all I can think is how the fuck can somebody happily just lodge in my house when I'm that broke I can't even afford new carpets?

I honestly feel like I would be better off steering clear of men forever. I never get it right.

Incidentally...he's just text me asking "are you alright?" I could cheerfully scream at his astounding levels of cluelessness

I care for two horses I don't have a well paid job unfortunately. Although I have got a plan to start up a (very) small business next year.

Girl, get to CoDA

People are saying I will feel better once he's gone, but it runs deeper than that. I feel profoundly depressed and hopeless about every area of my life. Even this flat is a shabby mess. It needs new carpets, repainting, everything. I work like a dog, and I still have nothing
You really will - maybe not immediately but quite quickly.. as for the flat - its for now - not forever.
I had nothing - and kept having it for what seemed like an awfully long time! One place I lived was so bad it was condemned by the environmental health department. Do you have people in RL who you can talk to, tell your struggling a little bit right now ?

That's a good idea of Manatee
Create a Money I haven't spent on the cocklodger fund

he's texting you in the hope that you'll change your mind and then he gets to keep his meal ticket.
he knows that he's lovely and snug at your place, sponging off you, cocklodging and eating you out of house and home.
he does not want this set-up to end because he is indeed a parasite.
be very careful. do not fall for his armoury of ruses.

He could have painted your walls instead of laying in bed. Lazy little scrounger.