I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

if you think he's going to be out on the street, cold, starving and vulnerable, should you kick him out, then think again.
he's already zeroing in on the next vulnerable female that he can manipulate.
he'll have a few side pieces that he's grooming for exploitation.
he's texting and pleading with you to keep him because he's too bone idle to move.
but don't worry he have another vagina woman squirrelled away somewhere that he can cocklodge off.

I have friends I can talk about it with. I'm meeting one at the weekend. I don't lack for friends luckily, but my social life ain't what it once was cos I work so much.

Well quite Bsites. I didn't buy any paint though, so he couldn't. (his words; not mine)

can you get your friends around tonight to help you evict him?

'I didn't buy any paint though, so he couldn't. (his words; not mine)'

Oh, FGS. What a parasite this man is.

Thing is, you are displaying these martyr-like traits. Saying stuff about thriving on his need to be saved, about how you help people and they take advantage and you get ragey, about all this giving you are doing and yet getting trampled on.

Helping people ought to be about supporting them to be empowered, not saving them, not grining yourself into dust whilst they hol their hands out for more, and not over-giving until you explode with rage.

Working in the 'helping' professions and feeling like this / displaying this sort of behaviour is the hallmark of what people call 'wounded healers'. Lacking boundaries and the ability to care for yourself first, spending all your energy pouring 'care' into people and projects which are not going to do anything but be a black hole of need - it isn't actually 'helping' anyone, least of all you.

Until you get to the root of what you are trying to fill in yourself by this endless 'giving' then you are going to continue to have people take advantage. You'll feel good about yourself for a bit because hey, you are 'helping', even if you know you are 'giving' more than you should. Then it builds and builds until you get to the blind rage stage because you are not being valued and appreciated. Then comes depresison and lack of self-worth from being underappreciated and also beating yourself up for losing your shit and going for a ragefest. It's a really harmful cycle.

The thing is you are shooting yourself in the foot by attempting to get people who are not capable of valuing you or having truly reciprocal interactions with you to change and to be what you want them to be.

When 'help' comes from a need to save, rescue and that sort of mindset it is actually disempowering to the people you are trying to help AND to you.

Please, please consider counseling. You deserve to feel like the good, lovely person that you are.

BTW, caring for two horses would be my dream job. Had a horse as a teen, but then life took over and I've been out of the 'horse world' for decades.

Consider the Freedom Programme. And do see your GP if you are feeling depressed for more than a few weeks. I can say that people like this really bring you down. They are energy vampires.

Can you sit down & look at your finances, & work out what you can save money on ? even if its a few £ a week? then you can have a "paint my flat party". You get the paint & the brushes/rollers & get all you friends over, the walls are done in an evening, & then you give them curry & beer & everyone has fun ...

Excellent post by Norest (14.06)

His text is such a blatant attempt to smarm his way into staying, he actually doesnt think you mean it. I would only reply with something like 'yes, i will be fine after you have gone tonight with all your crap,toodles' just to reinforce that he is going and you refuse to back down. He is a useless, pathetic excuse for a 'man'. Good luck op!!

OP, if you want to do up your flat some, try to budget for it. Even a little bit of money adds up, and then watch for sales. For example, try to save enough to do one DIY thing each month that will cheer you up and update your flat. Paint's a good one to start with as it's not too expensive and you can do it yourself. It also makes a room look vastly better afterwards. Then the next month, do something else. Or do something small one month and put an extra amount aside to do something the next month.

Make a list of everything you want to fix, organise it in order of priority and costs, and then slowly start ticking things off the list. And there are ways around big expenses. You can get a carpet remnant and put it down yourself, which would provide you with a nice decent carpet for a relatively low cost. That would allow you to put a nicer more expensive carpet down the list in a year or two once you've done other DIY to buy you time to save up for the nicer carpet later and have that installed.

Do not let him paint your walls. You will want to draw with markers all over the bloody wall every time he irritates you. Been there. Do it yourself so you can get that feeling of "fuck yeah, I did that and it looks GREAT!"

yes, text him, say something along the lines:
"Yes, feeling a lot better now. (Leave the key on the table, Thanks)

OP, although the London flat comes with your job, are you expected to maintain and furnish it? And although you said at one point you don't have much money, you said earlier that you earn fifty grand. Without your 'houseguest' you should be able to make your immediate surroundings considerably more comfortable.

It sounds very much as though he's been a major contributer to your tiredness and despair.

Look whose a shabby and tired home isn't the end of the world. When he's not there it will be the place you get in, kick off your shoes, get yourself a (hot) mug of tea and relax.

You spend your money and help your horses and they give you their affection, attention and a sense of well being. The man-child, believe me, has given nothing back but has been an oxygen thief depleting you.

You do need to read and re-read norest's post and learn from it.
Then you need to work on not repeating past mistakes and open up your life to a better future.

Hey well done!
I was rooting for you, not easy to do when you are shattered after work.

I don't suppose there is actually a 2nd bedroom that you could (legally) rent out to make some extra cash ?

The £50K was a joke, wideboy.

I put up with a lot of crap from my former partner(who acted more like a stroppy teenager).

I tend to mother my partners.

I've been attracted to younger people but am trying hard to next look for someone more mature - mentally if not physically.

It is a pattern where I keep going for immature fuckwits. I'm trying to change the pattern as it needs fixing so I can be happy.

I was scared to be alone. This puts me off changing bad situations until they get unbearable.

Once alone I was initially really lonely and depressed but it is getting better and I feel stronger and more alive now.

Living with a stroppy teenager/partner is very draining; the stability without him makes a much calmer less stressful and mentally draining environment.

Hope things improve for you too.

Living with a stroppy teenager/partner is very draining; the stability without him makes a much calmer less stressful and mentally draining environment.

Yep.

Thank you for all the advice regarding doing up the flat. I have been saving a bit to get paint, and I've got somebody I can borrow brushes from.

It sounds like an excuse, but lack if time really is a massive issue. I work six days a week usually, and my horses have to be visited. in the next county! I can't actually remember the last time I had a whole free day in the flat. I will have to make some time from somewhere.

Could I really lay carpet myself? I wouldn't know where to start with that.

Oh and Norest; your post is spot on. That is exactly how I feel. I over give and then explode with rage. I actually feel totally out of control of my emotions at the moment. My depression is really bad right now; which of course doesn't help.

Horses and a cocklodger? This rings a bell? This is not the guy who assaulted you is it?

can you do a horse share?
and yes, you can lay carpet. In fact I think you will be surprised how you can pretty much do most things. Maybe not to a super high professional standard, but good enough to get by

well done OP x