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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

435 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 26/10/2015 18:15

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 28/10/2015 21:27

No Daemon; that is definitely not me.

A horse share may be an option when they are older. They are both only young though, and I am extremely protective of them both. They are the best things I have.

I suppose there's no reason I couldn't do the carpets myself really. The ones that are down now aren't fitted anyway. They are a bit lethal...especially when you're flouncing through doors at high speed??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 21:32

sand the floorboards and throw some rugs down ?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/10/2015 21:40

So OP is he gone? I hope so Flowers

mix56 · 29/10/2015 06:32

whosthe...... did he go without a scene ?

cherrytree63 · 29/10/2015 07:07

Morning Who's...hope you're bearing up today.
No real advice from me, but as a fellow two horse owner, remember that horsey birds can fix anything with a bit of baling string and duct tape, so any DIY in your flat should be a doddle!

Scoobydoo8 · 29/10/2015 08:23

I over give and then explode with rage

This was me. I read a lot of self-help type books, I'm just trying to remember them.

The Dance of Anger by Dr Harriet Lerner
Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie (aimed at those living with alcoholics I think but very informative imo)
You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay bit flowery but worth a read

They will be available second hand so pretty cheap and if you don't like them it doesn't matter!

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 29/10/2015 09:44

Yes, he's gone. He told me that they don't want him back in job tomorrow anyway. He couldn't do it apparently (chugging) so they are going to try him door to door on Friday.

He's clearly really despondent that he can't do the job, but I can't keep shoring him up all the time. It's not fair.

OP posts:
Offred · 29/10/2015 09:49

Very well done. Really. This is an excellent first step for you. Take some time to focus on you now and be kind to yourself. When you've loved someone entitled and selfish like this they deplete your ability to love and care for yourself, it's so important to replace those stores.

Offred · 29/10/2015 09:50

And repeat ad infinitum - 'I have not caused his problems, he has. I can't solve his problems, he has to.'

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 09:51

Well done OP!
What's that mantra?
I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it

TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton · 29/10/2015 09:55

So is he gone as in out of your life, or just out of your home? Either one is good, but the first is much much better.....

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 29/10/2015 09:57

You are right Offred. It really is up to him now. I can't keep rejigging his cv, suggesting jobs to him etc. I told him last night that he was his own worst enemy, and that it was ridiculous in every way because really he has the world at his feet.

Mu stomach is really knotted waiting for the (almost inevitable) call that he's not up to doing the door to door. He just self sabotages everything, and casts himself in the role of helpless bystander in his own life.

Then he will give up again for months (he admits he gives up too easily) Then there will be the inevitable self harm, me feeling like I have to rescue him again...

Enough is enough. I just can't do it anymore. It's exhausting me, and turning me into a horrible person that I don't like very much.Sad

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 10:00

"Enough is enough. I just can't do it anymore. It's exhausting me, and turning me into a horrible person that I don't like very much."

So end the relationship for good, cut all contact, and get yourself some counselling.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 29/10/2015 10:01

Just out of my home Contessa. I'm not ready or willing to cut him off yet. I'm sure people will shout at me for it, but that is my present stance.

I'm not willing to be the facilitator for it all anymore though. I've had enough. I feel so bogged down, jittery and anxious.

I told him last night that I'm not even looking forward to celebrating Christmas. That's how shit everything feels. I feel I have nothing to feel joyful about.

OP posts:
Offred · 29/10/2015 10:04

He can do it. Look at all the effort he puts into manipulating people so that he can avoid life. Imagine he put all that effort into having a life?!

He can do it.

He chooses not to.

He believes he doesn't have to and he's entitled to leech off other people.

Offred · 29/10/2015 10:05

He will continue to push, pressure and take from you.

If you aren't up to cutting him off just yet I understand but it may help (though be hard) to read about the Wendy dilemma.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 29/10/2015 10:09

I haven't heard of that Offred. I will google it.

OP posts:
Offred · 29/10/2015 10:09

www.beaumontpsych.com/wendy-dilemma.htm

Offred · 29/10/2015 10:11

I'll just add that I have been similar to you in relationships. I read the page about the Wendy dilemma and felt ashamed of myself because much of it is true and it is not complimentary. It is however very useful.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 10:16

OP you sound very depressed and anxious. I think you should go and see your GP. Ask about a referral for counselling or CBT.

You may not feel ready to end the relationship just yet, but I think that when you've had some support to help you feel stronger and more positive, you will be more than ready to end it.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 29/10/2015 10:20

Wow, that rings true. Except I'm the most opinionated person ever.

I've even started to stop wanting sex, cos I'm so pissed off & I thought it might motivate him. We have a great sex life that it's killing me to loseSad

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 10:23

How can you be sexually attracted to such a loser?!

Offred · 29/10/2015 10:23

I'm very opinionated too. But I have found I often stop offering an opinion about what we should do, where we should go, when we should see each other etc because when you are with a man like this nothing you choose is ever right, so I just stop bothering.

LovelyFriend · 29/10/2015 10:24

Op I've just started a 12 week cbt course for depression and self esteem issues. In London. See your doctor and ask for a referral.

It took me some time to do this but now I'm 2 weeks in I'm do glad i did.

The process is very simple. Doctor gave me number to call. I had a telephone interview with A really lovely chap and was offered the group cbt course. I then had a face to face meeting with the therapist and then started the course last week.

Just wanted to let you know that the process isn't too daunting.

Anastasie · 29/10/2015 10:30

He feels that you are responsible for him. You're not - ther are 7 billion other people in the world whom he could accuse of the same thing, but he is choosing to do it to you because you have a 'history'.

Having a history with someone doesn't make you responsible for them.

The problem here is that you think you have a duty towards him. There are NO RULES as to your role in his life. If you leave him to it, he will be FINE. He may self harm. That's his choice. He isn't your problem - if he were your child I would say you have to be there and try to help. But he's not.