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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP inappropriate or is it me?

210 replies

Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 17:47

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit Hmm anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

OP posts:
ouryve · 25/10/2015 18:16

You can try, but he's not going to try at all. He's already proved that.

CakeForBreakfast · 25/10/2015 20:14

It looks like he wants you to end the marriage.

Then when if the OW turns up as a 'new' girlfriend, he doesn't look bad because you kicked him out.

If he ends it and then she turns up so soon (and she will), it looks obvious.

You could reassure him you will stick with him and work at the marriage however long it takes. You will see a flicker of panic, in fact I would bet my house on it.

I'm sorry op, on an Internet forum it's so easy to say these things and forget behind it is a real person going through an awful time. My best wishes are with you.

Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 20:47

I'm pretty sure no OW at this point!Confused a poster said upthread it may be guilt causing this but I don't feel that it's the case. Not right now at least and I don't think in the near future anyone will turn up.

We spoke about a trial separation earlier but he says he want to make it work.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 20:49

abusers don't change

NewLife4Me · 25/10/2015 21:08

Oh Exhausted

Please listen to people who have been where you are now.
Of course there are reasons why he is behaving like he is and they are all legitimate reasons that most parents have to endure when they have small children.
But they don't all behave like your dh, and if they visit that type of behaviour they do something about it pretty damn quick.
I have known men like this and they are mortified that it has got to the stage where they have abused their wives.
They pull through pretty damn quick and realise what they are doing.
They certainly don't keep it going refusing to see they have a problem.

How much longer do you think your children's faces will light up when they see him. How long before they despise him and also you for not doing something about it earlier.
How long before he does it again, it's likely to escalate each time because you are giving him the all clear by not leaving him.
Whether there is another woman or not, it seems like it to me too, he is an abuser and not interested in stopping.

There is nothing you can do to help him, apart from kick his sorry ass out.
He does need help from a professional but he isn't ready to accept he has a problem, so certainly won't access it.

Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 21:24

Why are you saying OW?

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 21:35

what does it matter? you tolerate abuse but not infidelity. It makes no odds.

Joysmum · 25/10/2015 21:37

It's tradition on mumsnet for a good proportion of posters to suspect an OW. Quite often this is the case so the assumption is always to suspect an affair b

Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 21:37

I was just wondering why posters were saying that they think that. I doubt it but the shouting is far worse in a way. I have no idea what I'd do if he was having an affair though and I'm not really particularly concerned about that right now as I've more pressing issues to resolve it seems.

OP posts:
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 21:38

Oh. Well I'm not so sure he is. Could be wrong of course. But I don't think that's it.

OP posts:
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