DP inappropriate or is it me?

[Exhausted15]

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

He's acting out and his wanking website topic was a gaslight, an opportunity engineered to make you feel bad and to yet again, cast himself as the hard done by victim.

His unwillingness to end your marriage is not a sign that he wants to stay married but rather, that he just doesn't want the responsibility of ending it and forgoing his hard fought victim status.

Your expectations regarding a more equal distribution of parental and domestic tasks will always represent a greater sacrifice to him because children and domestic chores are ultimately woman's work. Your stubbornness and audacity in refusing to accept your role and your challenge of his, has created this dysfunction where he is forced to act out.

You can not fix this on your own, you will need his cooperation and participation. If he's unwilling, then there's very little you can do about it except to decide how much of his oppositional bullshit you are prepared to swallow, for the absolute bprivilege of being regularly disrespected.

He says this is the only relationships he's had problems in which is why I think it's me. The previous relationship definitely wasn't me and I can now categorically say that it wasn't but hindsight is great though isn't it.

Cushioning the kids' reaction to him leaving will be easier than protecting him from witnessing his aggresion.

Mum and dad don't get on with each other, but both love them loads. If he turns out to be a shit dad without you overseeing him, they'll see through that. My DN did. If he turns out to be great with them, alone, then wonderful. You get the odd worry free weekend off, which is more than you're getting now.

Isetan

Erm, yes, all that exactly. Do you know him in RL by any chance?

Why is he doing it though and how do I get him to grow up and take what is happening seriously?

If he's so miserable why won't he leave that's the bit I can't get my head around. Why does he tell me he loves me, there's no one else never had been and in the next breath tell me I'm a broken record, give it a rest and his favourite put down blah blah blah or actually he's blown a raspberry at me before with a horrible scowl on his face.

I keep telling myself this isn't hi if only I wasn't such a horrible person to be around he's be nicer

Stop swallowing his bullshit, get your exit plan together and get away from this fool. He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, so you are being painted into a corner. You know what? Take your blessings, exit and leave him to it.
He can still see the children.

I worry that I've made him like this and I'll do it in the next relationship and the next as this isn't the first time I've been in a relationship that's had difficulties. The previous one was a little different but not so much.

Why is he doing it though and how do I get him to grow up and take what is happening seriously?
You can't, because this is not your job nor your responsibility. He is an adult, this is the deal. He has to step up. It is not your problem if he cannot. The sooner you realise this, the faster the scales will fall from your eyes.

Freedom Programme. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Ok that's made me angry and sad that the only reason he won't go is because he'll look bad? That's truly horrible and you're probably quite right. I keep telling him to stop stringing me along but he backtracks on all the nasty spiteful things he says like he didn't want children with me he didn't want to be in a relationship (this was recently and news to me) he said afterwards he said it to hurt me. So I never know what's true with him.

I can't get my head around that it's got to this point where I'm stating to realise that I don't think he does love me and that's really terrifying me if I'm honest. It's a very scary and dark place to be at the moment.

Several people have actually said he needs to step up and grow up and when I tell him it's not just me he just starts shouting. He's always fucking shouting. It's unbearable.
I feel
Utterly alone. I have no one really to talk to I'm not good at talking about these things with friends I feel very uncomfortable about it.

OP it is quite normal for your husband to be going through the feelings he is about work, stress, fatherhood to toddlers.
It's his reaction that's the problem.
None of these things are your fault but he is blaming you rather than accepting help he has been offered, preferring to drink and abuse his family instead.
My biggest fear is him normalising his behaviour to the extent of your children. Any decent man would recognise this wasn't right, snap to and accept therapy.
I would also worry about escalation to physical abuse, which was the case for my mil, who knew exactly what you were experiencing.
fil said exactly the same as your dh, just like a script, the behaviour exactly the same and as a couple they were fine until dh came along. Something that haunts dh today.
Please OP, I hope you can find the strength to do this for you and your child.

protecting them

Exhausted i need to get some sleep, but you'll be in good hands, here. There's a sticky thread at the top of relationships that you really need to read.

Take care x

I'm so distressed at the thought of ending it. I've not cried like this for a while and I just want to wake up and it all to be like tonight never happened but it's not the first time it's more often than not.
One of us sleeps in a different room and has done for months now.

He's stopped all of the affectionate things he used to do and he told me earlier it's because I am such an nightmare or something like that. All of this, the name calling is getting worse. When does it end as it was never like this.

Thank you ouryve I've really needed people to talk to tonight

And one last word - it ends when you cut him off.

if you're a nightmare, he's the worst bit of real life, ever. you wake up from a nightmare, and it's gone.

Newlife

I'm just assuming he'll end up leaving for the next available woman who offers him an easier life. I can't see this carrying on after what he said to me tonight. I was scared not that I think he'd punch me but he can be aggressive and usually he storms out when he really gets going. I don't know where he goes and he won't tell me either and I usually end up a totally hysterical mess. Well actually these days I just go to bed but when I was pregnant is get much more upset.

you did not cause his behaviour - you left one abuser and found another

Please call WA

Exhausted

This too is similar in dh story, I know this because he has told me.
After the storming out came the aggression towards mil and this escalated very quickly from a smack across the face, to black eyes to dh witnessing him bash his mum's head on a concrete floor, he was 7 years old.

I'm sorry if it may seem I'm projecting another completely different scenario but the behaviour is exactly the same, it's uncanny.
Even down to the old fashioned attitude.
Your dh also probably won't leave because your marriage will have failed and he'll hate this, as he doesn't like failure as he's said in your previous posts.

You deserve some happiness in your life after so much misery and I have never heard of anyone regretting leaving an abusive man.

you did not cause his behaviour - you left one abuser and found another

Please call WA
^^
This, the only thing you've done 'wrong' is getting into another abusive relationship, it may be abusive in a different way to your previous partner but it's still abusive. It isn't your fault and can be fixed with the right guidance so you don't repeat the cycle in future, the Freedom programme is a good place to start. Stop believing him when he says the problems in your relationship are all your fault, the things he is blaming you for are all him but it suits him to blame you because it avoids the need for him to look at or address his own issues. He won't change because he doesn't want to, he isn't looking inward and trying to work out where he's going wrong the way you are, he's just offloading all the responsibility for the problems in your relationship onto you. Sorry if this is harsh but you can either stay on this exhausting hamster wheel getting nowhere for a few more years until you really can't bear it anymore and he has completely stripped you of your self esteem and belief or you can be brave and stop it now before he damages you and your DC further. It's hard and takes a lot of courage but will save you having to look back on years of 'putting up with it' when you deserve so much more.

Op, You keep asking why he does this and is it you. It is categorically not you! I have also experienced this. He sounds like an alcoholic and a rageaholic. There is a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" which describes his behaviour: loving you one minute, hating you the next, raging and blaming, the aggression, the self-pity and the victim hood etc. He is abusive, and he will not change because he cannot take responsibility for his own behaviour and feelings hence blaming you. BUT, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Please stop thinking that you are somehow responsible. All the horrible things he says about you are not true. It breaks my heart to read about the effect he is having on you; you are probably the opposite of everything he says. I have been where you are, and I can identify with all your feelings, but you need to get away, to save yourself and your children. My grown children say the most damaging thing was lying in bed listening to the shouting. Why would so many strangers keep telling you to leave if it was you? Don't let him do any more damage to your self-esteem. You deserve so much more.

For god's sake, OP, stop worrying about yourself and him and his hypothetical future love life and all of those other scenarios -- which quite frankly it seems you are obsessing about to avoid attention to the reality of NOW. Which is that you are choosing to maintain your children in an abusive, stressful and damaging environment!!

Stop thinking about your own wants/needs and start focusing on them.

To anyone who keeps in their head how hard their partner works 'for the family' I'd ask you to ask yourself, would they be worked less hard in their job if they didn't have a family?

I once asked my DH this in a bad patch and it stopped him dead in his tracks. Of course he's not more career minded to support his family. He's driven by his own aspirations and using the family as an excuse.

Thank you for all your messages I had a torturous night on the sofa with one of the DC while he snored all night. So loudly I haven't slept and DC wriggly.

He's come down stairs to blatantly ignore me. I don't know what to say anymore.

Ok we've had another argument he asked me if I wanted a bacon sandwich so I burst into tears and said I want him to go because of all of it. So he paused and then shouted fuck you in going you can sort next months rent out. He then went into another tirade telling me to shut the fuck up I replied that he had a foul nasty mouth he's now packing to leave because it's apparently what I want and what I've told him to do.

He still maintains the conversation yesterday was absolutely fine and ice taken it all out of context again.

Maybe I have but the way he spoke to me last night and what he said won't go away.

He goes away tomorrow anyway. I hate him for how badly he's been treating me.

For him to say fuck you then sort your own rent out?!

He doesn't care about the effect this will have on the dc clearly it seems it's still all about him.

I feel sick

Let him go. Use the time to clear your head a bit. As a PP said, you're focussing on the wrong issue. You're looking at hypothetical future scenarios when you need to be in the here and now. Do you want to continue being spoken to like this? Do you want your children to be around it? If not then let him go for everyone's sake.