DP inappropriate or is it me?

[Exhausted15]

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

who cares what he wants??

where is your self esteem and why the hell do you put up with this?

He's just told me he'd rather be on his own than live with the pressure I create

OP - you don't create the pressure - he does.

When are you going to accept that he is spouting bullshit to make you out to be the bad person here?

Because he says I'm demonising him and making him out the be the problem!

but he is the problem. Why are you looking to him for validation? who cares what he thinks

Regardless of what you want long term your relationship at the moment is incredibly toxic and damaging to your and your dc.

Monday - phone up the council and Child Tax Credits and get your claims rolling as a single parent. You have separated - don't leave the joint bank account full of money either!

Once he is away with work tell him that he is not welcome back in the home due to his behaviour towards you. Let him sort himself out.

This means financially you will no longer be dependent solely on him.

If he begs to come back etc. say you need to go to therapy together first also that he needs to address his drinking. You can be separated and work on your marriage if you both want to.

The space will be the defining thing here I think.
He's not left he's now spring cleaning in a rage telling me what I do wrong.
Sigh.

You need help to identify why you have gone from one abusive relationship to one where you are struggling to see through the abuse you are now being handed.

The men are responsible for their actions.

You need to learn that you are not to blame and how to not think you are.

That is not well written, sorry. I hope it makes sense.

See how he isn't prepared to leave because at the moment he's got it made. You do all the wife work and he treats you like shit behaving however he wants to.

I mean it once he's gone get it sorted, shame that you loose your keys and need to change the locks.

This is going to continue to escalate until you stand up to him and say no more at which point I predict him going ballistic tbh.

X post. Stop listening to him spout shit.

Ask him to leave.

Why are you letting him decide to not leave? And indeed stay and give you more abuse?!

He's treating you appallingly, tell him to piss off!

I'm going back to work soon in a few weeks and he says he can't wait because then he'll know what he has to deal with. I've worked full time and looked after the DC before so I don't know why he's being shitty about that too. He says childcare is too much so pointless me working the the next breath is how I don't contribute. This has all seriously escalated recently. He's never complained about money before and never said things well I pay for it all its my stuff and you just spend it all. We don't have a lavish lifestyle by any means.

I need his help with childcare so I really need to be able to start earning money.

You don't need his help with childcare, you'll get tax credits, housing benefit, child tax credit, council tax benefit and possibly others. You may also be able to get childcare vouchers through your employers. Tomorrow morning please go to your local CAB and have a chat with them about benefits and what to do next. Also ring round some local solicitors and make some initial free half hour appointments to talk through your options.

I also think it would be very useful for you to contact Womens Aid. This man is an abuser; you are being abused. I think you have done what lots of us do, which is go from a grade 10 physically abusive bastard to one who's about a grade 5, and you think oh he's wonderful because he hasn't hit me or raped me, but in fact he's still a fucking horrible bully, he just uses words, silences, withdrawal of affection to hurt you, instead of his fists.

Don't be ashamed of this. I did the same thing when I left a very abusive partner; ended up with one who was still a fucking nightmare but who in comparison had seemed wonderful. He was also a problem drinker. Many of the women on this board will have similar stories.

Please try to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available on Kindle. If you can't afford it please send me a PM and I will see if I can help. The chapter about Types of Abuser, please carefully read the description of "The Victim", I think you will recognise him very quickly.

Keep posting OP, we are all here to support you

Sadly I read it at the beginning of the year. He's a combination of several and I think I also may have traits which is why I'm so worried I'm doing all this as I have such terrible insecurity and low self esteem at the moment.

You feel so terrible because this awful man is constantly shouting at you :( Please get him to leave so you can have a bit of peace and start to think clearly about what to do next

He can still provide childcare for his children whether you are in a relationship or not. Depending on your earnings when you return to work you may get additional child care funded on top of other benefits. Finances can be sorted OP, it's not a justifiable reason for you and your children to live like this. How old are your children?

I remember spending my weekends and evenings like this, not so long ago. I remember being out with X and the kids and seeing other families laughing together and having a good time whilst I sat with a knot in my stomach because X was detailing all of the reasons why I was such a cunt and how he was planning to leave me unless I did X, Y and Z. He tainted everything. I was a vile human being on the way to the airport with the kids, I was a cunt on the way to DS's birthday party. I was an immature little kid who would never achieve what he had on New Years Eve. That's all I remember about what should have been special, happy times now and I will never be able to rewrite it. I used to wish we could be like the happy, laughing families I could see all around us and I used to think if I only stopped nagging or being insecure we could achieve it. It's all bollocks OP. He will always have some reason or other to call you a cunt. Now I'm spending my Sunday morning watching the little mermaid with the kids, toys all over the floor, nice long breakfast, going for a walk and seeing my friends and their kids. I have no sick feeling in my guts, no-one is screaming at me whilst the kids sit quietly in another room trying not to listen. How's your Sunday going? Do you think its the sort of Sunday you and your kids should be having?

Where are your children while he's cleaning and ranting about how awful you are?

They are witness to it, obviously. Soaking it up, storing it away. The abusers and the abused of the future.

I do not understand all of your emotional handwringing about what you want and what you wish and what you feel etc etc etc when there are helpless children being damaged daily by all of this raging and shouting and sobbing and strife and stress.

Do you want their mental and emotional and physical well-being to be ruined as well??? You must set aside your fantasies about this man and deal in reality. Now, not next week, month or year.

Ok so I've said to him either we have counselling when he's back or we separate as he's being abusive and the girls are being affected.

He's said yes he will try it.

Do you think it's more likely to work this time than last time?

We went for two seasions

You shouldn't go to counselling with an abusive man.

He will just twist this to make you look worse.

You need help alone in order to break free of the cycle you are in.

It didn't work before and he treats you even worse now.

joint counselling is never recommended when one is an abuser. He is never going to change, counselling will not transform him into anything.

I'm hoping he goes bad to how he was before dc and realises what he's done wrong apologise and not continue.
We are both sleep deprived as the DC wake during the night and don't go back to sleep so we end up cosleeping through sheer exhaustion.

I'm not minimising any thing but I'm sure this has an effect.

He is still behaving like a pig but I also think he needs help. Not from me either from a professional.

I'm willing to try for the sake of our family as the DCs adore him and their faces light up when he comes home.