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Original poster

DP inappropriate or is it me?

210 replies

Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 17:47

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit Hmm anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/10/2015 19:43

I think going to see a therapist together is the first port of call. There is plenty that needs to be discussed.

Why is he so stressed
Why does he say he wants out
Why is he so unkind

Tbf my dh really changed after I told him I was leaving but it's a long hard slog to reconnect, to get any sort of deep trust back.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 19:44

He will be home in ten minutes and I really want to explain to him how I feel very weird about him talking about sites with web cam masturbation in whatever context or not. It started off as a conversation about another site which ended up being used for that and then progresses to there so maybe I'm being completely unreasonable. It did go on and on and was really u comfortable for me as he kept saying it over and over and I'm not prudish however I wouldn't dream of having a conversation like that unless it was with a mate I'd know for a long time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 19:46

We went for a few sessions but then it fizzled out. I got a lot out of it but he seemed really really uncomfortable dealing with things with someone neutral and authoritative and who'd actually listen to what I said and believe me and validate my feelings.

I really don't want to give up just yet.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/10/2015 19:47

I wouldn't bring that up, I think you have far bigger issues and that is just a symptom of them.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 19:54

Well that went well I just asked him quite calmly if he understood why I feel that way about this conversation and he screamed at me to either go to bed or stfu as no one felt uncomfortable and I'm being ridiculous and why should he have to watch what he says.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 19:55

Oh just saw your post a bit to late random

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/10/2015 19:57

When you said this it really rang alarm bells

" he seemed really really uncomfortable dealing with things with someone neutral and authoritative and who'd actually listen to what I said and believe me and validate my feelings"

Like he wants you to permanently STFU, that your feelings aren't valid, and you don't need to be listened to.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 19:59

I guess that's how it is. I don't know what that means for us though.

OP posts:
hmmmum · 24/10/2015 20:01

It's like he freaks out any time you want to talk about feelings, emotions, struggles. He can't handle that kind of conversation, he's afraid of it.
That's why he was uncomfortable in counselling and also why he lashes out at you when you try and talk about these things.
I think he likes flirting with other women because it's infinitely less demanding than a long term relationship...you get the buzz of feeling attractive without feeling that you are a failure because you can't measure up within a serious relationship.
I think he gets angry because he feels like he can't give you what you want, and he feels angry at himself and at you for even wanting it. Ideally he would just prefer if it you wanted nothing.
Then you end up having to chase after him because he's withdrawing from you, so you look like the 'nag' when actually you are just trying to establish some kind of intimacy in the relationship.
Anyway I had similar problems in my relationship and someone recommended this book to me - "How We Love" by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. It's about how your childhood etc has shaped the way you go about loving other people.
It showed me these really negative patterns in my marriage that you can easily get locked into.
It sounds self-helpy but honestly it's really good!! Just lots of common sense. I was married to an avoider who just went all distant on me. I found it heartbreaking that he would shut off from me. (Still married to the same person but he's changed loads as have I :) )

VocationalGoat · 24/10/2015 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechangenell · 24/10/2015 20:03

He sounds awful. It's like be gets to play at being 'fun dad' whilst you do all the grunt work. My two are four and two and it is bloody hard some days. It just is! How does he think other families with small children function?

Are you sure he isn't having an affair? It's like he's almost goading you into leaving him/ending things...

You said you had access to money. Life's too short. I think I'd give counseling one more go if I were you, then make my way on my own if it didn't work. You and your kids deserve better.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 20:07

I can't be sure he's not having an affair no. I don't think he is but I could be wrong I guess.

OP posts:
Namechangenell · 24/10/2015 20:14

The thing is, if he's frustrated with family life and having to be responsible, it'd actually be harder for him if you split and he had to step up for part of each week. Have you suggested/'threatened' this? He's got it made now!

ohtheholidays · 24/10/2015 20:15

Honestly OP,I think he must already know the women he was talking to about porn,you might not know her but that doesn't mean he doesn't.If any guy I even knew tried to talk to me about that that wasn't my DH,they'd never get the chance to talk to me again.

Him saying he can't leave because of the children and another home isn't great,the first words that should have come of out his mouth was that he was sorry and wanted to try and work on things.Yet from the sounds of it at no time did he mention you,that's not what a marriage should be like.

If you don't want to be in the marriage any more that is your choice.If that is your choice I'd tell him that he can still see the children,you not being with him doesn't stop him being they're father and he's a grown man he can sort out somewhere else to live himself!

If he's got friends or family that he could stay with then he could go to them until he's sorted himself somewhere more permanent out.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 20:16

He knows what it would be like if we split, yes.
What do you mean he's got it made?

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 24/10/2015 20:19

Leave the bastard. You are putting up with far far too much.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 20:20

Ontheholidays

No he's never met her but is good friends with her good friend so I guess he does I. That context.

She seemed nonplussed however if he'd said what he did to any of my mates they would be really uncomfortable I can say that much.

I felt weird for whatever reason. Maybe I am blowing it out of proportion but I felt very weird.

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 24/10/2015 20:23

he seemed really really uncomfortable dealing with things with someone neutral and authoritative and who'd actually listen to what I said and believe me and validate my feelings

Um...that's really worrying. So essentially he's really uncomfortable with the recognition of your autonomy and feelings and therefore the recognition of his shitty behaviour by a third party, when he wants you in your proper place, which is under his thumb.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 20:37

Riviera kid

Yes he looked quite angry the whole time. I cries most of it as she believed what I said.

My relationship be fore this was very very abusive so I am also worried it's me who is making these men hate me because there is actually something wrong with me.

Which is why I said further up I'm more than willing to work on my issues.

I wish I knew what was going on inside his head as it would make his behaviour that much easier to understand!

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 24/10/2015 20:44

How does he even know these sites exist? Is he using them? That would be my question.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 20:53

They both knew about it apparently it was quite common and everyone used it before it became some kind of sordid thing. I've never heard of it so actually have no idea about any of it.
maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion in light of our current situation as I'm feeling really sad and on edge because things are not great and haven't been for a while. I keep hoping they will improve but we have a good few days and then take 2 steps back for the one forward.
It's crazy we've ended up here and we have beautiful children, a small (and very messy) home which he kicks off about all the time but a home never the less.
I'm tired of being told I take the piss, that I do nothing all day. I'm tired of being sworn at and told to fuck off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 21:00

And sorry no I quite honestly doubt he currently using anything like that.

OP posts:
Snossidge · 24/10/2015 21:03

It sounds like your current relationship is abusive too - sworn at, told to fuck off, he doesn't want you to have any needs or opinions, blames you for everything, is angry, drinks etc.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 21:05

That's why I think some of it must be me.

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 24/10/2015 21:08

I am also worried it's me who is making these men hate me because there is actually something wrong with me.

Stop right there. You are not 'making' anyone hate you, you have had your self esteem shattered by a previous abusive man and some men, like your current P, will see your lack of boundaries and confidence as an opportunity to perpetuate their own selfish agenda. That's it, it's not you. The only thing you sound like you need is more therapy to get yourself straight and a new partner, one who loves and respects you.