DP inappropriate or is it me?

[Exhausted15]

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

Now you say he also gives you days of silent treatment.

He is abusive.

He may not be as abusive as your previous relationship however unfortunately he is still abusive.

You deserve better.

Until the next time then, OP. What will you do then? Apologise again?

Maybe he thinks differently to me and in his head he's not being inappropriate and I'm over reacting? I don't know :( I just want things to be ok before we had the DC

Like before I mean.
He adores the DC but not me :(

Nobody is perfect. Even people in good relationships aren't perfect.

Your DH is about as far from perfect as it's possible to be, though.

He gets on with people at work because he has a lot to lose by not doing so. He's outnumbered and can be sacked, quite easily, for being a twat to the wrong person. You're fair game. You're there. You have ties to him that aren't so simple to unravel. You're a woman who knows him well, with opinions of her own, instead of a relatively unknown woman fawning over him.

Most of the anxiety about him leaving is a simple case of not knowing what's on the other side.

There's no pretending it will be all straightforward, but can you imagine how lovely it will be, just you and the kids, not dreading someone coming home, getting drunk, criticising you, then pretending he didn't mean it? No one constantly enabling your low self confidence and encouraging you to question your sanity. Not spending some of an evening with Mr big shot he man and his dramatics and teenage sulks. Shutting the door and watching as much telly as you like (not saying you do now, but that would be my act of rebellion of choice!) and not giving a shit because it's not any other adult's business.

Not worrying when the next screamy, sweary tirade to an audience of your entire neighbourhood will happen. Having the joy of being able to take an injunction out on him if he even bloody tries it again - even the confidence to call the police if he's aggressively humiliating you so others can see or hear. Though you will have the ability to never allow him through your front door, ever again, if you don't want to. Even to see the kids.

You need to be imagining all the ways your life would be so much better without this aggressive shitstain at the centre of it.

Yes he is aggressively humiliating me I suppose I didn't think of it like that.

Even if he stops being mean because you hug him, it'll only be until the next time he's mean.

I still hold out hope that the entire dynamic will change and we'll be a happy 'normal family'

I'm pretty upset that he only is like this to me though as it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and I'm awful.

He tells me all the time I make him feel like a second class citizen in his own hole because nobody appreciates how hard he works for his family but it's really hard to look past the swearing and shouting to actually feel appreciative that he works.
He swears a lot and in from of the DC and I keep asking him not too. Anything I ask is met with such defiance like I've asked him not to drink when he's putting te DC to bed as there is wine all over the mattress and wall which I just discovered and he denied all knowledge. It's odd behaviour.

Home not hole. Says it all I suppose. Sigh.

I really can't understand why he still stays when he tells me how much he can't stand me on one hand but then tells me he does love me and wants us to all be happy and together.
It's really messing with me

What is he adding to your life, except stress and abuse?
He's not even a good father, if there is wine on the mattress/wall.
He sounds like a fool.
You will be more of a fool if you hang onto him.
I have prickles up my spine, even reading your description of him - he wouldn't last a minute in my house, based on your posts.
A minute being generous.

Yes love, thats the plan. Treat you mean, keep you keen.

I still hold out hope that the entire dynamic will change and we'll be a happy 'normal family'
Sadly, that is not going to happen, I am sorry to tell you. Past history has dictated future patterns.
What DOES need to happen is your decision about you and your children's future - is this what you want them to witness?
Are you prepared to put your (non) relationship first, before their wellbeing?
Yes, they may well be asleep upstairs, but is one of them sitting on the top step, waiting to run down when the shit really hits the fan? Or if not, is this their future? Because you really need this man in your life??

He's not adding anything at the moment emotionally I just feel sad and anxious.
Whats the treat him mean plan supposed to achieve though we are in a relationship with children so I really don't know why he is so awful as he has old fashioned beliefs that you stay together well so he says and when I questioned why he's stay when there is no love he asked what the alternative is. I replied that we try we try and get things back on track but he doesn't care.
Someone said affair unthread and it would make sense that he doesn't care but I can't see him doing that as that would mean he can't take the moral high ground. I could be wrong though as I really don't seem to know him at all if he behaves like this and I don't know why.

Dontlaugh

That's an awful image :(

Wine all over the kids' beds and walls? This guy just gets more and more desirable.

Is there ever any intimacy between you, btw? If there is, does he make any effort for you? Or is it just as convenient for him as everything else?

OP

I have read your posts to my mil and dh and they are both sobbing.
They have experienced the same, almost word for word.
My dh is still scared 40 odd years later.
Please end this now for all your sakes, you and your children deserve a peaceful life free from abuse.
It will get worse, your dh thinks its fine to do this in front of his children, who he loves so much? How the bloody hell is that right.
Please take the support and information from the wise posters on here who have been through this.
FWIW I'd be looking at setting everything up so when he goes away for work you can change the locks and gain the support you deserve.

And, yep, the kids will get older and as they do will need less sleep. They will also become more aware. Of his swearing. Of his aggression. Of his drunkenness. Of how lowly you are to him. He might even convince them to join in with pointing out your alleged faults. He might even bully them, like he does you.

Awful, but one many have lived, including myself. Don't visit it on another generation, because of some misplaced notion of loyalty.
To enhance the image, I was making sure my siblings couldn't hear the shouting and I sat there to stop them going down first, when the real screaming started.
I WISH and deeply regret that relationship had ended 30 years ago. You still have time.
Don't fuck it up. It's within your power.

Yes wine on the wall and mattress. He doesn't care and doesn't see that's so far from normal. Again it's my fault he drinks so much.

Intimacy is rare and usually if I've had a few glasses on wine only. I rarely drink though. Or if we are away. He says he's given up with me as we argue so much. He withholds affection though it's upsetting he says he can't bear to be near me so that's why I wonder if it is me.

Hes nit really interested in what I get out of it, no, even from the beginning.

I think he uses other means if that makes sense as I do the laundry. Sorry tmi. I don't care though he can't do what he likes on that front it doesn't bother me at all its normal but it's the lack of intimacy that does.

Sorry that's quite graphic

Mumsnet went down :(
Yes I know they will be affected which is why I want it all to stop and I do believe he can change.
I'm sure the pressure he feels is a part of it, inexcusable but still a part. Am I wrong?
He doesn't like being pulled up on anything though and that I don't know if he can or wants to grow out of.
My friend seems to think I try and fix people but maybe because I feel so broken.
You know he told me I've never done anything contatructive or productive tonight. I'm deeply hurt by that as I'm at home with children all day. I can't do everything on my own. I don't believe him when he was he does everything and I do nothing. How is that even possible. He really is a total prick some times I do realise this. I've thought it was me and my insecurities making him this way but he lies to me which is why I feel so insecure.
Like my username I'm exhausted completely fucking exhausted both mentally and physically and it's all because I just want him to love me again.

Another one who heard what their step-father did to their mother.

You need to protect your DC.

You are wrong. He will not change. The question is what will you do to remove yourself and your children from this situation?
He will not love you again. He is not capable of loving anyone. Including himself. But you have have a duty of care to your children, they should not gwow up like this.
Have you anyone you can trust? Family (not his), friends?
Call WomensAid.
Numbers on this site.

How to I turn off how I feel though the children love him and he them they'd be devastated if he left. So would I to be honest because it's not always like this

Yes I have friends and getting him to leave wouldn't be an issue. He's gone before for a few days.