DP inappropriate or is it me?

[Exhausted15]

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

Love, nobody should have to put up with a relationship like that - being sworn at? Told to fuck off? He's never kind? You take the piss?

Time to call his bluff, op. Tell him you're going to leave. Then do it. He's had plenty of chances to sort it but he doesn't want to.

Life could be so much better without him.

thing is I don't think it would. I still have some hope we can sort this out. Unless of course he really doesn't want to but he won't actually say he doesn't want to. So I never know where I actually stand with all this.

Notice how him exploding, shouting, swearing, storming off etc directly correlates with you challenging him about anything. Ever. However it is done. No wonder you're exhausted. Your options have been to be completely subservient to him and his behaviour, thus damaging yourself more and more...or try to assert yourself, have a discussion, only to be at the mercy of his behaviour. You have another option, you know. You don't have to continue to live your life like this. He won't change.

I've again tried to talk to him and he's again list it calling me and insane fucking cunt and all sorts of other expletives he's told me that wasn't the conversation I'm crazy need my head checked and he can't stand me and to just fuck off and then calm as ever do I want something to eat. He's been drinking all day though.
He's accusing me of not letting even see his friends and allowing him to have a normal conversation ie as I described.
I can't say anything at all.
I've also been told to pay for my 'own shit' I'm at home with the DC at the moment.
I was also told I'm controlling. Wtaf. I'm crying as I'm writing.

Sorry if I'm the first and don't normally say this... honestly

LTB, he won't change and doesn't give a shiny shit about you or your family or else he wouldn't behave like this.
There is no excuse and he does believe what he says in anger, this is often the truth from what I have heard about abusers.

OP I have been exactly where you are. Please leave. You know what your life is going to be like if you stay with this man. You know what the children's lives are going to be like. Please don't continue to be slowly ground down by him.

He says he's nothing to lose by leaving as he lives in a shithole because I'm useless and contribute nothing and so by living somewhere even shitty and only seeing his DC half them time wouldn't make any difference.

So tell him to leave. I guarantee his life will become a whole load shittier and that yours will suddenly look a whole lot brighter.

No time like the present OP. He should leave now. Why continue to be shouted at and called a cunt by a drunken abusive man whilst the kids are upstairs?

So tell him to fuck off then. What a complete thundercunt.

Where are you DC while all of this is going on?

Sleeping upstairs. He really on a massive rant at what a loser I am and my mate who is apparently a man hater on top of being a loser.

I don't really know what to say bout it to him because his view is he does everything I do nothing never have the house is a shit hole because I do nothing all day except watch television while he works his backside off and gets nothing back which is why he with holds affection

And can't be around me because all I do it wins him up and make him angry. He's gone upstairs now as I'm such a bitch and he can't be around me. I don't even recognise him anymore.

It's awful being told that you make someone so miserable and unhappy and they want to leave but then he finds every excuse not to when I tell him if that's what he wants then to just go.

It's confusing and scary being constantly shouted at. The whole neighbour can hear us and he does it so they can as he knows I can't stand them to hear the shouting.

I really want to fix it but to forgive him for the things he's said tonight will be really really hard.

He doesn't understand that I really am not trying to wind him up but for some reason things I'm trying to piss him off. It's crazy crazy crazy to think I'd do that.

Can anyone please try and explain why he's so angry with me as I'm doing my best here ffs.

I haven't read a single thing in this thread that makes me understand why you're with him OP. No wonder you chose your username, I would expect you're both physically exhausted and mentally kicked when you're down.

If it's worth anything at all to you, if he'd started that conversation with me, he'd have a got at least and I'd have moved away. The way you describe him has made me think he's immature, selfish and very unpleasant.

I'm not sure why you're posting because you said you want to be able to fix the relationship, but I'm getting the vibe that you want validation that your feelings are real and ok to have, and that you want some help to make life better for yourself and your DCs?

My relationship be fore this was very very abusive so I am also worried it's me who is making these men hate me because there is actually something wrong with me.

No, its not you. It's them.

Having been broken by one abusive relationship can make you more vulnerable in subsequent relationships, though, because those assertive self preservation instincts that we all need have been pretty much buggered up by the experience.

He's already demonstrated how far couples counselling gets you. he wants nothing of it and that's not a good sign. Again, because it requires a degree of commitment and maturity from him and let you out of the box he wants you in.

Individual counselling would possibly be beneficial for you, though. if you can't access this, then have a look at the freedom program - that's something you can work through yourself if you can't get away from the kids or other commitments for anything face to face.

He's saying that wasn't the conversation I'm wrong and being mental. I want to feel like I'm not being mental.
I'm actually usually very laid back.

He was pointing his finger at me shouting that I'm wrong.

He's angry about things that have happened previously too because I thought he was up to now good when he was away and then when I was pregnant a few years ago. I don't know if it was paranoia because I was pregnant or what it was as I had nothing to go on I just felt something wasn't right so conversations like today really put me on edge.

He's furious that I asked him about it because it was really worrying me because I felt completely insecure at that point and he texted the way he always doesn't screaming as shouting so I never really knew what to think.

I do still want to fix our problems but he's too angry to even talk to me about anything. Gosh, this has been a lot I've said. I've spoken about this before years ago when things were bad when I was pregnant and it seems we are back to square one because he won't let us address anything without exploding at me.

His point of view is he is under too much pressure which I can understand. What I don't understand is a lot of other people are in the same boat and don't rage at others the way he does with me.

I keep thinking if I approach him differently he won't but the minute I start discussing anything to do with and issues I think we have it ends in him threatening to leave me. Why does he keep thinking that's ok?!

What is the freedom programme please?

Does he scream, shout and abuse others?

If not then it is something he can control and is choosing to do do you.

It is abuse.

Do one last thing for him - pack his bags. And put the phone number for AA in there.

He's an abusive, rancid twatwaffle. You have nothing to save, I'm afraid.

No just me because he doesn't have problems with anyone except for me.

He gets on brilliantly with the people he works with, speaks highly of them except for one person who has told him he did something wrong so he doesn't like him at all. Says no one does. So I suppose these a pattern of not wanting to be challenged. I just didn't ever think he would do it to me.

I just want to go to him say I'm sorry and put my arms around him because I do still love him very much and can see he's stressed but this isn't the way to deal with it.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The thing is I question whether I'm going mad as he says I am and then I feel guilty because maybe it is all me!!! I'm not perfect and I do get anxious about him leaving but then he always threatens to but doesn't so then I get even more 'needy'.

OP, why are you even considering saying sorry and hugging him? You need to pick your self respect up from the floor (crumpled up under his shoe somewhere) and get him out. Tonight preferably. As a PP said, there is nothing to save. There is no justifiable excuse for his behaviour. He does it because he can, because it keeps you firmly in your box.

because then he'll stop being so fucking mean, he'll push me away at first and tell me no I'm thins and that but eventually he'll calm down if I go to him. I can't stand the days of silent treatment if I don't and he's away for a while soon with his colleagues for work

I'm trying to get my head around the fact he thinks this way about me but it's really hard as I'm finding it really hurtful that the man I love and the father of my children thinks of me as a piece of shit not worth anything.