DP inappropriate or is it me?

[Exhausted15]

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

I've said to him that's what he's trying to do, making me end it.
He says that ridiculous and he doesn't want it to end but he wants me to stop having a go at him.
I don't think I am though! I just can't bear how much disregard he has for how I feel and he thinks I don't understand how much he has to do.

Things like what happened today are the things that over the years have eroded how I feel towards him and I trying an explain and he gets upset and angry and tells me I'm making it all up and saying terrible things about him. I was there! Unless I've completely lost my marbles that is.

Clearly there are strains in the relationship but I don't think what you're describing is crime of the century.

Having young children is incredibly stressful and causes cracks in lots of relationships. Find a way through it together.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Whether the subject matter was appropriate to discuss with a stranger or not, you are well within your rights to not want to talk about it, yourself. His response to your discomfort was like a sulky teenager told he couldn't have 10 more minutes on the x-box.

And this is so true: I can't make an adult listen if they don't want to. He's choosing not to listen. It's too much like effort. There's too much responsibility involved in listening to his partner and the mother of his children and even beginning to act like he has any respect for her, her needs and her views. So much easier to stamp his feet and do the petulant child routine.

Thank you Merde.
We are really really struggling at the moment. He seems to hate me one minute and then love me the next. He hates me at the moment and the conversation was the final straw in a way.
It's still highly inappropriate though, isn't it? We aren't teenagers.

Ouryve

My best mate has said similar. How do I make him stop the tantrums and the sulks and the refusal to address anything at all. And when I say anything, if he's upset me I just get shouted at and told well you do this so I can do this because you made me.

I disagree with much of the advice here.
He says he's sick of you mothering him and criticising his behaviour.

Does he have a point?

And why the fuck does he keep saying awful things if "he doesn't mean them?

My response to that wouldn't be, so much "Oh, well that's all right then" as "Well, how the hell can I trust anything you say, then, if you treat words so lightly?"

And if you're stretched financially, he needs to start by not drinking it all!

Maybe? I don't know. I'm happy to work on my issues if it is.

Iminshock

What would you suggest I do? I'm willing to do anything to try and get pay this.

Yes ouryve, that's exactly what I will say next time and I can't bear the lying it's driving me nuts. There was a hidden bottle of wine in his bag that he snatched away when I asked where something was an he said it was in his bag and then remembered it was there and tries to grab the bag back. He looks embarrassed in fairness to him.

He drinks to self medicate I guess because he is so stressed out with our life.

Do you have any money he can't touch?

Yes.

When/what is the being nice/loving you as you haven't described any of that?

why?

Random mess

He can be gentle and considerate and thoughtful and funny and kind. Very kind.

What kind things does he do?

That's why I feel so heartbroken that I'm getting utterly devastated over conversations he's having like this with other woman.

Is it possible that he uses drugs at all, even lightly?

Have you tried marriage counselling? Maybe then you could actually talk to him about the issues without tantrums if there is an uninvolved person there to mediate.

But you said he hasn't been kind for a few years... so he isn't kind currently?

Life is too short.

Tell him to jog on and start making your life better without him.

If he steps up and becomes a loving partner that is brilliant.

If he walks away you have your answer.

No one deserves to be treated with such contempt.

He makes my favourite dinners as much as he can, he plays with the DC and puts them to bed, he takes them to the park so I can sleep on the weekends. He organises surprise breaks when we can afford it. He buys the things he knows I like. (trivial I know)
He does his fair share of housework.
He does tell me he loves me although not as much as he used to of course.

I wouldn't be comfortable with a masturbation convo between my DH and another woman. Ask him how he would feel if you have that convo with a guy you just met?

If I was you, I'd take a complete step back. Make an effort not to mother him (his words) for a week, and see how the dynamic changes. You might be surprised. I think sometimes us women do what we think is best for our DH, when actually they see it as mothering and actually, they are gown men and should be doing a lot of stuff for themselves!

No he doesn't take drugs. He's not been particularly kind, no.

I don't want to walk away I want to fix it.

None of those things sound particularly kind/special to me (except surprise breaks - though surely that is just as much for him as you?) - cooking things your partner likes, looking after your own children, doing the housework, those are all the basics.