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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP inappropriate or is it me?

210 replies

Exhausted15 · 24/10/2015 17:47

Communication issues for a while - toddlers have made life a bit chaotic and DP 'can't cope'. Fine, we've discussed this and he's unhappy and tired and stressed at work. Won't do anything about it though so we muddle on.

Last night we had a bit of a falling out and he stormed off to bed. We had a brief discussion about it this morning and agreed to move on.

Now to this afternoon, out with his friends and we start talking to a women who was part of the group who we'd never met, all fine, conversation turned to the Internet and dodgy sites and he starts talking about an inappropriate one with men masturbating. I was a bit Hmm anyway the woman and him seemed quite ok with it and they at this point decided to include me in the conversation at this point to ask if I'd heard of it (the site they were on about). No I hadn't so after we left I said to him that made me feel very awkward as I really don't want to be next to you while you're going on about that sort of thing to a woman we don't know.

He exploded at this point and told me I'm not his mother and I make him feel uncomfortable and he wants to spend the afternoon alone.

He's now gone off to do something and I'm at home crying because I feel like I'm a prude and being over the top for thinking it's weird him to be going on about men masturbating in whatever context to some random woman and in front of me.

Is it me?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 25/10/2015 08:42

OP you were supposed to say 'oh no, I can't afford it, you will have to stay and I'll be good, never answer back or question anything you do again'.

And yes, it is all about him. Don't fall into the trap of forgiving him to get the rent paid.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 08:43

I can't stop crying. I don't want it to be like this.

I don't understand why he doesn't care enough to want to fix anything.

I still love him so much and I still think he can stop being so angry.

OP posts:
Anomaly · 25/10/2015 08:43

Hold onto that hate. This man is horrible. Its not you. You need to get him out of your life. Stop expecting him to become the pleasant and reasonable man you want him to be. Hes not hes vile and abusive.

Get hold of the book Why does he do that? I expect it will describe him perfectly.

Keep posting and contact women's aid.

Potatoface2 · 25/10/2015 08:44

if he is going you will be able to claim housing benefit and income support....go to the benefits office and say your partner has left you....it takes a lot of sorting out but once you have done this you will be better off....he sounds appalling.....i would rather be on my own than intimidated in my own home by someone who acts like this.....he only appears to think of himself....selfish git!

Anomaly · 25/10/2015 08:45

What is there to love? When was the last time you genuinely felt truly loving towards him?

Potatoface2 · 25/10/2015 08:49

you dont love him.....you think you do, you think you wont cope without him, you think he will be what you want him to be.....he wont and he has made you feel like this....you are holding on to what you want it to be like and it never will....you are used to this life you are living, it has become 'normal' to you....IT ISNT NORMAL....its a nightmare....you and your children deserve better

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 08:53

I've no family to help though. I'm supposed to be going back to work and will now have no childcare.

I feel so heartbroken at all this and I genuinely want him to stop being so angry and just listen because I'm not trying to make his life difficult contrary to what he says and thinks about me.

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 25/10/2015 09:04

please make an appt with your GP tomorrow...explain all this....you could have depression....your focus is all on him....wanting him to stop being angry...only he can sort himself out.....you need to focus on YOU and the little ones....you need to be thinking of helping yourself feel better, on how you can cope with everything....until you are feeling okay you cant possibly focus on his problems. If he stayed today and said all the right things that you want to hear, in a few days it will just the same again....suggest to him about seeing a GP too....sound to me like he might need some help too

Lookatyourwatchnow · 25/10/2015 09:20

Ok he's going. That didn't take much persuasion from him, did it OP? Hold onto your feelings of anger, they're valid. Child care and benefits can be sorted, they're practicalities. And the house is rented which makes the practicalities easier. Do you know how to apply for tax credits and housing benefit?

summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 09:22

Good he is doing you a favour leaving now. Make sure the door doesn't hit him on his way out. You should be rejoicing, you are now free of him.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 09:27

I can't believe he doesn't seem to care he just seems pissed off that he's got nowhere to go before he goes away tomorrow.

I feel like I'm being unreasonable in saying that he should go if he's going to be like this because he says he's like this because of me and the things I say and do. Maybe he's right but this can't go on.

I so desperately want to fix it and I know he has to want to too but I cant make someone care. I'm very aware of that! It's really confusing as I wonder now if all the things he's said are really how he feels about me even though he says other things which are the exact opposite!

OP posts:
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 25/10/2015 09:32

I feel so heartbroken at all this and I genuinely want him to stop being so angry and just listen because I'm not trying to make his life difficult contrary to what he says and thinks about me

It doesn't matter how much you want it unfortunately, he has to want it too. I completely understand that you don't want things to be the way they are. I've been in a similar situation in my previous relationship. I would have done anything for things to be different, but they weren't. In hindsight if I'd accepted that sooner and started lookout after myself, things would have been a million times easier. Hardest thing I've ever done was moving on, but it was 100% for the best.

summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 09:32

you can't fix it because this is who he is, and no he only cares about himself

Neither of these are any reflection on you. You cannot make him into who you want him to be, because he is not that person.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 25/10/2015 09:33

He's not like this because of you. He's like this because this is who he is, this is how he chooses to behave, and his behaviour should tell you what he thinks you're worth. Sure he can control himself when he wants to, he can hug his friend of a friend and tell her she looks amazing. He can fall in line in work. I doubt he means most of the insults he throws at you behind closed doors. That's irrelevant because the purpose of the insults are solely to keep you down and to perpetuate your low self esteem.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 09:41

The weird thing is when we first met is was almost in awe of everything and treated me so carefully. He was the perfect gentleman really. I was entirely independent and pretty together so I don't know what happened for him to hate me so much and for getting angry for questioning him when he does things I think are damaging. Maybe I talk too much and maybe I do have a go at him too much. I can accept that but I don't explode and swear and scream at him.

I try and reflect and wonder what I did it said to anger him and I apologise when I upset him and sometimes yes I retaliate and say things that are not great. For example I worry about when he goes away because of things he's done in the past that out of context don't look good so of course he'd be angry for insinuating any kind of affair. I have explained that whilst I don't think that's what's happening I just think that fact he's checked out is cold distant and contemptuous means that our relationship is in danger. He just thinks I'm nagging and criticising and complaining. I will explain that I'm trying to just talk through how I'm feeling as his behaviour is making me very very insecure. I just ignored me though

OP posts:
Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 09:41

He ignored I mean

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 25/10/2015 10:01

I would say he prob is having an affair and his guilt when you ask him is making him lash out

Anyway - you need to stop thinking of him and what he wants, does, thinks, feels, and you need to start thinking about yourself.

Women's Aid and Freedom Programme are imperative

I am sure he was full on at the beginning - which you may have found romantic and lovely but it is quite frankly a whole bunting of red flags. You need to read the book Living With the Dominator too.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 10:05

Really? An a affair? That would be the worst thing. How would I know though?!

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 25/10/2015 10:05

I do believe he can change.

What makes you believe this? Really, you need to look at this belief you have. What is it based on?

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 10:07

Oh god I don't even want to think about him doing that. Sorry to sound so dramatic

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 25/10/2015 10:07

He was the perfect gentleman really

Oh dear. You would hardly have gone with him if he was a cunt from day one, would you? It's what they do. They pretend to be nice. And that's what you fall in love it.

BastardGoDarkly · 25/10/2015 10:09

Please just let him leave op.

He's toxic, and no matter how much you love him, or want him to stop being an unbearable cunt, he won't, that's who he is.

I don't know if he's having an affair, it wouldn't surprise me, he's got zero respect for you.

Please please cut him loose.

FantasticButtocks · 25/10/2015 10:10

Do you have daughters OP? If you do, how would you feel about a daughter of yours growing up and becoming involved with a man who shouts abuse at her? Because she has seen her father shouting at her mother, she thinks this is normal? I'm sure you'd walk over hot coals to prevent that happening.

Namechanger2015 · 25/10/2015 10:11

Please let him go, even if it is just for a day or two so you have some space to breathe. Don't be scared, this doesn't have to be the end, please think of it as a breather to clear your head a little.

Please, please let him go today. He can stay at his parents or a friends house or a travelodge for the night?

You will get through this. It's brave and it's hard but you are not going to live like this forever.

Original poster
Exhausted15 · 25/10/2015 10:24

He's just told me he'd rather be on his own than live with the pressure I create.

I don't think an affair is part of the issue. I could be wrong and he can show a lack of boundaries but I don't think that's anything to do with this.

I agree with a pp that we are under the same pressure as others but his reactions are disgusting immature and selfish.

He is a total man child.

The DC adore him so much and they'd be very confused if he went.

He's away for an extended period as of tomorrow which is a good thing.

OP posts: