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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 01:56

H I'm awake. I'm not sure if I've read it correctly but I think you are going to have to get strong and get angry. You poor thing I'm sorry

diggerdigsdogs · 05/10/2015 01:57

I'm so sorry.

Take a very deep breath and a moment. This is the big shock but he doesn't know you know - time to plan and count your cards.

What do you want to do? Try to fix things or is this the end of the line?

Time to get banking details, important documents together.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:00

Thank you for replying...I'm so angry but I'm absolutely gutted, we have been together for 10 years we have 2 beautiful children ( my daughter isn't biologically his but adores him like a dad because hers ironically is such a shit) I cannot believe he has done all this for a girl he has known for 5 minutes.

I've just smashed up some of our wedding photos and sent him a picture telling him to go fuck himself-I need to get a grip!
Last week we were talking about going away for Christmas??

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:00

I think all you can do is try very hard to steel yourself and focus on you and your children. He's a rat. You don't need that sort of person in your life. Marriage or partnerships should be affirming not this kind of fucking about . Truly I'm sorry you are facing this. What a git.

Daffodilliesandaisies · 05/10/2015 02:01

I'm up doing a night feed. It must have been a horrible shock. Can you call in sick tomorrow and spend the day gathering important documents together?

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:01

I don't think I would ever be strong enough to forgive him and get past this x
But I don't know? He has never done this to me

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:03

Hard as it is (I know) you need to be really strong and determined now. I wasn't and it dragged me right down . You must be so heartbroken you poor thing. But, don't let him destroy you.

pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:05

I don't think you can go to work tomorrow. When is he back ?

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:07

You're right I don't need it in my life...my ex was a horrible abusive and violent man who has nothing to do with my daughter-I thought I had struck gold with my H and my daughter will be totally gutted but he has crossed the line and pissed all over it with this...
I feel bad calling in sick tomorrow i work with special needs children and we are so short staffed but I don't know how I can face anyone.
I just remembered he was due back in the early afternoon and today told me he got the times wrong and would be back in the evening-he even suggested we all get a take away together!
Now I'm thinking I have time to pack his bags and change the locks

OP posts:
Daffodilliesandaisies · 05/10/2015 02:07

I had a similar situation with my ex, he would be sending inappropriate messages to a woman, I would catch him, he would say it meant nothing, I would forgive him and he would do it again with someone else. I drove myself mad trying to find evidence all the time and turned myself into a shell of who I was. Don't waste your time like I did. I wish I had Mumsnet at the time.

TheStoic · 05/10/2015 02:08

That must have been so sickening to see. :-(

But you are in control now. All that matters is what YOU want. You get to call the shots from this point forward.

Spend this time thinking about what you will accept, and what you won't accept.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:08

You're all being so kind thank you-I have nobody to talk to in rl, he was my best friend

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:11

As above , I had all that shit with messages to other women and then being told I was paranoid. Made me ill. He's messaged saying he would rather be in her dressing gown or whatever it was and therefore totally disrespectful of you and your marriage.

Cut him loose. It's the only way or he will just do it ad infinitum

pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:12

Although I haven't yet found one I do believe that decent partners will not do this kind of stuff .

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:13

Thank you I know you are right...tomorrow is going to be a tough day-my son was bouncing off the walls tonight because daddy is home tomorrow...If only he knew what an absolute shit he is

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:14

pnutter I agree...clearly I'm yet to find one too x

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:17

It's very very disappointing to say the least to invest so much in a person then find they are happy to throw it all away for some "excitement"
You and me both need to build ourselves up so we don't attract this sort of shit. Hugs

BumWad · 05/10/2015 02:22

Handholding Flowers

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:22

Thank you pnutter you have no idea how much you have helped me tonight...I'm just so shocked and like you say I have invested so much-we only married 4 years ago and have so much to live for but clearly nothing I had to offer was enough.
I'm sorry you have been through this too xx

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:25

Well I am pretty sick of these sorts of men as you can tell ! I'm happily single now after having a breakdown over the last one ...nothing or no one is worth that sort of suffering. It's so hard but try to keep yourself well. Get some support in the morning (a friend or family?) And keep strong for your kids x

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:25

And what really pisses me off he is he fast asleep somewhere in Spain not giving a shit at how his family have fallen apart!!

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:26

You beat me i was married a year ! Now I realise it wasn't a fault in me, it was in him. But it took me so long to see that and I'd not want to see anyone go through the turmoil x

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:26

Thank you-they are what will keep me going

you take care also x

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 05/10/2015 02:28

You need to take any money out of joint accounts and/or change passwords and search for and hide all banking/financial documents. He is a liar and you can't expect him to start being honest. Your son will recover if you are strong. Don't engage with him, especially not in front of your son.

LadyB49 · 05/10/2015 02:29

This is so hard for you. I can only imagine how you are feeling. You are in shock just now. You've sent him a pic.... So...he knows you know something....he will be worried..... he will be thinking of a story. Perhaps he has even contacted you since he got your message and pic.

I'd use tomorrow to gather up important details and documents as suggested by pp and have them handy. Can you get dc looked after tomorrow.

Maybe he actually is due back in the afternoon - could he arrive back earlier than the evening.

To ring in sick to work isn't a falsehood..... you are in shock and stressed out.

Time to think ...do you have a friend in RL to be with you tomorrow....or would you prefer to be on your own.