is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

[Rainbowlou1]

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

I'm wondering about whether to wade into this but have to say, and not in support of Tamilla, when did it become something to be ashamed of to be weak? Aren't we all weak sometimes, sometimes inexplicably, just like when we are strong?

OP, you have a right to feel what you feel, and to make decisions when you are ready, to fit with the circumstances as you see them.

We are certainly weak (or incapable) of changing other people. They have to do it themselves. So, there are two options, if they don't change, we can put up with it or leave.

We can certainly hope they change or keep fighting it, but that is just really putting up with it.

What can the OP do if her OH is not to be trusted? If she doesn't walk out, she can accept he'll cheat or keep him under surveillance all the time. Both are still putting up with it because both accept he won't change.

Not regarding cheating, but I was strong for too long.
Being strong tires you and damages you.
It's like a weight lifter who keeps the weights above his head all the time. At some point he must admit he is too weak to keep it up and must drop them. Or he will be crushed.

Tamilla, you may not have said 'she must put up with it' but you suggested that it was 'just' flirting and why divorce over that?

It wasnt just flirting.

And he has already blown his 'second chance' that you seem to think he deserves.

There are 2 options - put up with it, or leave.

What else would you suggest? What 'other options' are there? And why is she 'weak' to think of chucking the lying cheating disrespectful arse dh out? Surely it's a strong woman who can go it alone, with her children, to bring them up in a safe and secure family unit, showing them how to grow up to become strong, respected adults who know how they should be treated in a relationship?

Both options can stem from strength and both can stem from weakness. I actually dislike assigning weakness or strength in decisions relating to relationships.

What's important for the OP is which she thinks she can be happiest with and go for it.

Is Tamilla Rainbow's OH?

A definite possibility.

It's not often I think mn needs a block /ignore function, then occasionally you happen across posters like tamilla who practically scream for the thing.

Anyway, rainbow, stay strong and good luck in whatever you decide.

Where's OP? Haven't heard from her since 18.30, Thursday. Has she had enough bickering to close down? OP you OK?

tamilla was reported and hasn't been back since ... Hopefully mumsnet towers will ensure she isn't.

OP, if you are reading this, how are you?

Hi everyone I'm doing ok thank you, me and the kids are busy all weekend so will be nice to get out and about..in the evenings when I'm on my own I still flit from being so angry I hate him to thinking with time, help and wherever else maybe we can work through this..so basically I'm still confused!I'm going to give myself all the time I need-we have spoken and he is adamant he can work this out and has said he will do anything it takes, he has enquired about counselling but he has to accept this only kicked off a week ago so is all still very new.
Sorry a rubbish update really!

Hope everyone here is ok and having a good weekend so far xx

Not rubbish at all - stop putting yourself down! It's great that you're managing to get out and about, keeping some normality for the children. Well done, and don't forget to look after yourself as well in all this; you're going to need all your strength in the coming weeks.

Hi, Glad you're OK and not harmed by Tam....whatever she called her/himself -I was never quite sure. Was quite worried for you. I think you're spot on to be taking a deep breath and reflecting on what you think will be best for you and DC's and, forgive me, idiot DP. Just check that things aren't so broken, they can't be fixed. I'm not trying to excuse DP's actions but you can both come out of this together and stronger for the emotional trauma. He knows he's loused up, to put it mildly, and if he's any wit, will go through shit to put it right to keep you. You're right to be angry and to loathe him right now, but you can put that in the bin, if you want to. Trust has flown out of the window, but can be recaptured with a lot of effort and, it has to be said, a lot of love on your part. Only you, only you, will know whether you can make it happen, whether you want to make that happen. I'm on your side, btw!

Rainbow, glad you're having a fun and busy time with the children. Don't rush into anything.

hi rainbow

I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to say it's ok to take your time.

I found out last september that my H was cheating on me. we have been together 23 years, married for 13, with 3 gorgeous DCs. I decided to stay and try to work things out with him, to see whether there was any way of getting past this.

13 months later we have decided to separate. but I'm glad we have come to this decision after careful deliberation. I certainly wasn't in the right frame of mind to make such a big decision last September. I was a mess!

good luck with whatever you choose x

Sorry but reporting Tam for continuing to post an opposing view is pointless, and implying she's a GF or a troll just because she is trying to say (in what is clearly a second language) that there is an alternative to ltb is nasty. Trolling isn't posting opposing views and then trying to clarify them - she was clearly referring g to 'thought crime' not attempted crimes.

Gessami thank you for your post its interesting to hear expected ounces of this like yours as I do wonder that if we do decide to work through this now (which is what I think I want) will it eventually get to us and be the end?i can't see me ever being free of what I've seen and know and don't know if I will ever truly forgive and if I can ever stop throwing it back in his face

Ounces??i mean experiences!!x

rainbow there was a really good thread this time last year of people who were trying to mend their marriages. I found it really helpful. there is an overwhelming ltb mentality on mn and in some cases it's not the right thing. there were tons of couples who managed to make it work.

I think the main thing is complete honesty from both sides and a real willingness to fight for the marriage. it's bloody hard work. I found counselling really helpful.

I'm so sad that we haven't managed to do it. I can't believe our marriage is over and I desperately miss the man I fell in love with and grew up with. but this cheating selfish man is not the man I married and I have finally come to realise it. breaks my heart.

if it's what you want then I hope you find each other again x

I'm Sorry it hasn't worked out for you xx
I think I do but I realise I need counselling now for myself and he wants it for us...he is desperately trying to be honest etc but there's that little voice in my head saying he is playing me and its that that is making me doubt everything xx

rainbow. here's the link to the thread. there are some recent posts on there. hope it's useful to you.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2289860-support-thread-Marriages-in-recovery

Thank you I will read through that today x

I know that it is possible to work through the kind of problems that you have had - I have seen it done and in a couple of cases I have seen couples emerge into a better place than before one of them was tempted. So I hope that this will be the case for you. Ultimately I think it is better to be together because that is what you both actually want, rather than maintaining the status quo or out of habit. Your (idiotic) husband has carelessly created that opportunity. I hope that it works out for you; it sounds like he found a good woman in you and has realised how stupid he has been.