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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:29

Oh yeah he will be sleeping soundly that's a given. I might sound bitter Smile
You'll be ok. At least you've discovered it and he will get a nasty shock.
Mumsnet is always here !
Try to get a little sleep.
Tomorrow you will need your strength x

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:30

funnily enough his dad was horrible, treated his mum and him like crap-cheating on her etc and walked out of the family when he was young ...he has always been adamant he would never ever be like him.
I text him earlier to let him know he was his dad through and through...a low hit from me i know but it made me feel a bit better to give him that food for thought

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:32

I have nobody to speak to I will call in sick and try to sleep now-I want to be here when he gets back so I can tell him to get out

thank you everyone so much xx

OP posts:
spanisharmada · 05/10/2015 02:33

What an idiot, I'm sorry OP he doesn't deserve you.

Has the pic come through from his phone?

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:35

I opened a message from him and it was her picture message and his reply-how that happened i don't know??

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBogey · 05/10/2015 02:35

Rainbow I am really sorry you are going through this. I assume you are getting his messages because you both have an iPhone that shares the same account. DH and I have this. our phones received each others messages until we made it stop. But I just recently uploaded the latest update and it restarted it all again with me getting his messages. This may be what has happened to you.

Be strong; you can get through this and be better for it.

pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:36

Post here in the morning so we can give you some strength for when he gets home. Hope you are sort of ok. We must sleep as school run not far off eh! It's so hard but you will be ok I promise x

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:37

I don't feel strong...I'm glad there is no alcohol in the house or I would be getting hammered!

I just took my wedding ring off and it feels so wrong-

God this is really real isn't it??

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 02:38

goodnight everyone i will come back tomorrow if thats ok xx

thank you xx

OP posts:
Asteria36 · 05/10/2015 02:38

What a complete and utter cockwomble. I remember having a similar discovery and feeling physically sick. I may or may not have accidentally on purpose crashed his car into a fence... Not my finest hour Grin
So you have a bit of time to get your head together and work out what to do next. Obviously cutting the legs off all his suits and rubbing deep heat into his underpants will be immensely satisfying, but at some point you need to cool off the anger and stick your rational hat on.
Can you tell your h that you want him to stay away till next weekend? Tell him that he needs to assess his priorities and that you will discuss them with him on Friday night(or whenever) when he has had time for the magnitude of his twattish behaviour to sink in. You can tell the DC that he had to do more work and he can have a long hard think about the implications of spending his life away from his family. Try not to worry about the DC too much - I could give you a load of "happy mummy, happy children" waffle, but you really do need to be selfish here. There is no point sugar coating it, divorce is shit. Living with an untrustworthy person is also shit. You just need to work out which pile of shit you would rather be sitting on - or if there is any way that you could move on from this together?

pnutter · 05/10/2015 02:41

I've been there and know what you mean it's such a horrible shock . Yes good plan don't drink ! Keep yourself steady as you need to be I'm control now. He will be the one in the dark about what you know.
Once he's home he may try to minimise and or blame you. You need to keep it in your mind that he and he alone fucked up.

WongTobyWong · 05/10/2015 02:44

I'm so sorry, this must be a terrible shock for you. May I suggest that you do go in to work tomorrow? I know that when I am very upset or anxious, "withdrawing" from people and obligations always makes me feel worse. It may help you, distract you if nothing else. See how you feel in the morning. Also, I second the advice to make sure you're ok financially. Do you have s joint account? Withdraw some cash for yourself. Just to be on the safe side.

Be gentle with yourself, however you proceed. You've had a terrible shock and it's going to take a while to get your head around it, however you choose to proceed.

WongTobyWong · 05/10/2015 02:47

I've just re-read the rest of the thread. Forget my advice to go to work; if your husband knows that you have seen this, I would spend your time making sure you can get cash, make a plan as to what you're going to tell him.

What a shitty situation for you. I feel for you, I really do,

Asteria36 · 05/10/2015 02:52

Sorry - read my post back again and I really didn't mean for it to sound so depressing. Can I add that coming out the other side of divorce is actually quite a sunshine through the clouds moment. Once the initial shock has subsided you may well find that you have a resilience that you didn't know about!

rainbowstardrops · 05/10/2015 03:02

Blimey OP, what a horrible way to find out?!
Has your H not rung you or text since he now knows that you know??? Surely he hasn't just gone to bed and slipped into peaceful slumber?
I'd definitely ring in sick tomorrow and spend the time thinking about what you want to happen next.
Btw how old are your dc's?
Big hugs Flowers

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:05

He hasn't messaged me once...but seen he was online in whatsapp Sad
My daughter is 15 and my son is 7 -I'm more worried for her she worships him because he stepped up when her dad ditched her...she has just gone through the awful process of her friend dying and the funeral etc and is currently doing gcse's..this will destroy her x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:07

Sorry I know I said I'd go to bed but I can't sleep!x

OP posts:
marzipan123 · 05/10/2015 03:10

Hang on a minute! This is a ten year relationship. There are two children here. It troubles me when posters who don't know the full story glibly give advice to someone to end a relationship just like that.

Everybody makes mistakes. Yes they do, both men and women. We are full of human frailties. Sometimes people mess up. They lose their way. There are thousands upon thousands of good marriages today where one or both parties have messed up and been forgiven and things have got back on track.

It is the middle of the night. Things are always worse then. Don't make any decisions now. Things will look different in the morning.

Wait until he comes back and when the children are not there you need to talk in a calm manner about what is going on.

I am not advocating bad behaviour in relationships, but are a few flirty messages with no evidence to speak of grounds for ending what was a good relationship? Don't cut your nose off to spite your face and please don't do anything rash.

If everyone got off at the first hurdle it wouldn't be 42 percent of marriages ending in divorce it would be 100 percent.

I'm not condoning anything, just saying don't do anything without sleeping on it for a few nights. Love to you and I know you must be feeling just awful. If I was in your situation I would want to speak to my mum!

MrsChanningTatum · 05/10/2015 03:12

Oh my goodness, he has been so stupid.
Have a hot sweet cup of tea. Try and get some sleep. Have you rang anyone in RL? Talk to someone in RL tomorrow.
I bet he will be deeply embarrassed and ashamed tomorrow. And he may get spiteful as he will feel backed into a corner when you confront him.
It's so hard. He has hurt you. Confront him tomorrow, get angry. Challenge him about his stupid selfish behaviour.

If you choose to stay together, no more trips away, he need to refocus his energies on you, your relationship and his family. He has got v excited and secretive about being away from home, no responsibilities and seemingly plenty of flirting and titillation going on.

Inappropriate behaviour. He's put his relationship with the mother of his children in jeopardy. What a fool.

TheStoic · 05/10/2015 03:12

Maybe listen to some music, or watch some mindless TV. Distract yourself, get out of your own head for a while.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:13

Thank you marzipan it's good to get different views and you're right it's shit being here alone in the middle of the night knowing I can't sort this out for hours yet.
I sadly don't have the kind of relationship with my mum that I could talk to her about this i wish I did x

OP posts:
MrsChanningTatum · 05/10/2015 03:14

I agree with Marxipan123 too.

MrsChanningTatum · 05/10/2015 03:16

Yes you don't automatically have to think the relationship is over.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/10/2015 03:17

I'm so sorry you've had this shock. I know it feels devastating now but you are best knowing what he is like. He'll probably try to deny it and make excuses so in a way, it's good that you have this time to decide what to do.

Your DD will be upset but giving her this example is an enormous gift to her. You're showing her how to be strong and have good boundaries and that will stand her in such good stead in her own relationships.

If you can't sleep, can you start to make a list or plan eg check financial details; make an appointment with a solicitor; visit CAB about benefits, etc. Or if that all feels like too much, can you find something trashy to watch or read to try to give yourself a break?

A PP was right. This is all about him.You and your DCs deserve much better.

Tiptops · 05/10/2015 03:17

You poor thing. It's no wonder you can't sleep.

When you say you received the picture and his reply, was it a screenshot or the message came directly to your phone? It sounds like a screenshot in which case I'm wondering was it either sent to you accidentally-on-purpose because he wanted to be found out, or was the screenshot to send to friends for bragging rights. Either way he comes out terribly, but the former makes it clear he doesn't want to salvage anything.

Can't believe he hasn't been in touch. Heartless.

What do you think you'd like to do rainbow ? At a minimum he should be giving you time to think and staying elsewhere. Flowers for you