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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
tableanadchairs · 08/10/2015 18:07

Why have you been looking into counselling?
He broke your trust and it is up to him to try put it right. Actions speak louder than words. Sit back and see just what he is prepared to do.

TellMeALittle · 08/10/2015 18:08

Tam, I don't know what your agenda is here.

If it interests you so much, than no, I wouldn't behave in any manner that I thought might upset those that I love. I tend to treat people how I wish to be treated myself.

Why is that so difficult for you to fathom?
Do you think your continuous bleating on about "no sex" is helpful? The op has already said that its the trust and boundary crossing that they are unhappy with.

I personally would wear my dh's balls as earrings if I was in a similar position.

Lweji · 08/10/2015 18:08

If he's willing to do anything, why isn't he looking at counselling?
Why don't you let him sort it out and work to fix it.
He has a lot to compensate for and trust to gain.
Why not let him show how much he actually cares about you and the relationship? Why not stay put and see what he suggests, what he does?

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 18:09

ptumbi , i agree words is not enough. but he need a chance to show by acting... for that they need to speak, not divorce

We do not judge people for what they want to kill someone ... just for the assassination and murder. Similarly, we can not judge people for thoughts and emotions running through them ... if a person is stopped and does not realize his desire, so he does not really want to implement them

thehypocritesoaf · 08/10/2015 18:12

Er we judge people who try and kill or assassinate people.

What planet are you on?

Meerka · 08/10/2015 18:13

Yóu've said your piece, you don't want to acknowledge that it's what the OP wants.

she's asked you to shut up.

Why don't you do what's she asked?

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 18:18

thehypocritesoaf , attempted murder and think or wish to murder is different things. Criminal law judges for the assassination, but not at the thought and wishes ... and this is a big difference. I am a lawyer

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 18:19

Lweji , +

CactusAnnie · 08/10/2015 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 08/10/2015 18:27

Bloody hell Tamila I don't know what you're on but I could have done with smoking some it last week!Confused

I'm doing ok have my wobbles but work is keeping me busy.

I didn't explain myself very well regarding the counselling, I meant I had looked into for myself because I didn't know what it entails and if it's something I would consider because I've never used a service like that before-he knows I'm not doing the fighting or chasing and he is willing to do anything it takes so we shall see if he can prove himself and make me want to invest time for us or if it just isn't enough to help me get past this x

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 08/10/2015 18:31

You don't have to be a lawyer to know that attempted murder is a crime.

Op has to decide what she wants to do - she has already made clear she finds your comments unhelpful.

tamilla8484 · 08/10/2015 18:38

Rainbowlou1, :)

Jux · 08/10/2015 18:42

Er, criminal law also prosecutes for the threat of harm. Threats made on the internet areaken very seriously. That's just thoughts.

He has lied.
He has broken very important promises.

That's enough to lose most, if not all trust. No trust generally leads to no relationship.

Yarboosucks · 08/10/2015 18:53

Tamilla - are you one of those lawyers that keeps ringing me about the car accident that wasn't my fault and that I have never had?

Lweji · 08/10/2015 19:07

He didn't think about it only... He did take action.
Personally I'd be worrying about what he was doing those 5 days, particularly the time his phone was off.
And during the wedding.

bendybootpumpkinpatch · 08/10/2015 19:19

Regardless of the twaddle Tamilla might be speaking i don't think the Borat comments and snide insinuations are very helpful to anyone or very nice.

tiredvommachine · 08/10/2015 19:23

Anyone got the thread police picture handy? Hmm

Yarboosucks · 08/10/2015 20:47

I don't think there are any trolls on here, but appearing to be critical of OP was probably not a wise move…

CactusAnnie · 08/10/2015 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 09/10/2015 04:00

i was saying just that he didnt have sex. and in my opinion flirt not enough to divorce Yes, in YOUR opinion! You did minimise it, you called it "just flirting"

Yet in op's posts, you can see that to her, it isn't JUST flirting.

and for my opinion couple first have to try to do that Did you read that op had already asked her dh to stop messaging this woman? And that her dh agreed? She gave him a chance to prove he was trustworthy & he failed, less than 3 weeks after promising to stop contacting her.

but strong people can fight for family and for relations. No. Strong people know when they need to walk away. But well done for implying that the op is weak if she walks away, because she didn't stay & fight.

but to fix broken relations need two person Which is what they were doing, until the dh started to text another woman.

but husband says sorry He said sorry before, when the op first caught him texting her. But he STILL continued to do so!! How many times does he have to be sorry before op is "allowed" to say that she has had enough??

ptumbi · 09/10/2015 07:33

i agree words is not enough. but he need a chance to show by acting... for that they need to speak, not divorce - so the time before, when he agreed to try and work on their marriage, and to talk, was not enough ? He has had a 'chance to show by acting' - and he showed by acting totally selfishly, totally disrespectfully to his wife and being a total dick.

How many chances would you think he needs? Genuine question, Tamilla - how many times would you put up with your DH 'flirting' (trying to get inside another woman's dressing gown) and sending texts and calls? How many times would you put up with him going further? Would you brush it off as just 'flirting'? Just 'thinking about it'? What do you think that teaches your children - your son who grows up knowing that is how a man/husband can act (selfishly) and a daughter who is being shown that she must just put up with it?

tamilla8484 · 09/10/2015 08:39

ptumbi , i never wrote "she must just put up with it"...
i wrote don't divorce... but choose another option...
or you have just 2 option:divorce or suffering, have a rag on which to wipe his feet?
you can be surprised but is many different position in life and methods.
and i think women who just suffering same like women who escaped by choosing divorce - is weak person. (equal for mans)

Lweji · 09/10/2015 09:06

So, what ARE the other options?

thehypocritesoaf · 09/10/2015 09:08

Ok a woman who choses divorce rather than continuing in a prolonged unhappy relationship where the husband chases other women is a 'weak person'.

Nice Tamilla.

daisychain01 · 09/10/2015 09:18

"When you get in a hole stop digging" seems relevant here!