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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
BinToHellAndBack · 05/10/2015 09:28

I'm cynically wondering if the lack of response is going to be some sort of desperate cover that he's come up with in a panic; he'll turn up at home having dumped or hidden his phone but say he 'lost' it two days ago.

Then he'll be aghast that whoever nicked/found his phone got their kicks from torturing you with rude pictures of other women.

Regardless of whether that's the case (it's probably not!), be very careful of believing something because you want it to be the truth.

Lots of Flowers and Cake and Wine. This is a horrible thing to be going through but feeling this terrible won't last forever. And showing your daughter how not to be a doormat for someone who treats you badly in a relationship will ultimately stand her in good stead (if you do decide to end things).

HolgerDanske · 05/10/2015 09:30

Set him right on the fact that this has nothing to do with whether or not your marriage is 'perfect' - Nobody's marriage is perfect.

This is about something lacking inside him, and he needs to take full responsibility for it.

Flowers
BinToHellAndBack · 05/10/2015 09:32

Oops cross posted, sorry!

Glad you've heard from him at last and sounds like you handled yourself well.

Yep counseling can be a good option, whether for finding a way to come through this together, or for providing a platform from which to separate in a less confusing and angry way (I found it to help).

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 09:33

The thing is we agreed our marriage needed working on as we had become a bit distant and we both decided to make an effort and agreed we wanted to go back to how we were.
He said this morning we did try to make an effort but he didn't feel much had changed...it's been 3 weeks ffs and he has been away for 6 days!!

OP posts:
pugalicios · 05/10/2015 09:43

Sounds to me like he is trying to somehow blame you for his actions to ease his guilty feelings.
If things needed working on then he should not have involved someone else.
I hope you are ok, put yourself first and take care

HellKitty · 05/10/2015 09:44

Sounds like he's blaming you. It does take two to make a marriage work.

Have you told him to stay away tonight?

BinToHellAndBack · 05/10/2015 09:44

Perhaps he thought he would like to feel like getting back to how things used to be, but like you say, ultimately his heart just isn't in it anymore. There may be an element of just saying what you want to hear.

If he's making noises about this being 'the end' you need to prepare yourself for that being what he's building up to (unless you want that too and get in there first).

The counseling can be good either way though.

Did you decide to go to work?

ciele · 05/10/2015 10:01

Please don't flame me but maybe she was just tempting him, and he was tempted but it's only a flirty text reply...don't react in anger x

Dowser · 05/10/2015 10:04

Great post wings.

I still think he needs a short sharp shock rainbow and h ding him his bags might just Do it while you decide what YOU want to do.

After all what would have happened if you hadn't found out.

He's a shit. No two ways about it.

I like men . I'm friendly and chatty with them but I hope if I was ever foolish stupid and crass enough to suggest I'd like to be in their trousers I hope my husband would hand me my bags.
.
I lived most of my adult life with a cheater. I did not know it but now I know how it impacted on my 30 year marriage. Every woman was an opportunity and a challenge not to be caught.

Your piece of shit has been caught. The ball is now in your court.

ScrambledSmegs · 05/10/2015 10:07

Ah, so it's your fault that he was trying it on with this woman then? Never heard that one before Hmm

Just because he doesn't want to admit that he's a cheating shit does not make it your fault. The likelihood is that you're having marriage problems because he's a cheating shit, or at the very least wants to be one.

Psycobabble · 05/10/2015 10:13

If your marriage was perfect he wouldn't have done it !

Oh please ! Ok I'm not married yet but would suspect no marriage is perfect

How would he describe a perfect marriage exactly ? Would that include getting phone numbers of and flirting with virtual strangers ?!

Sorry op am mad for you !! You caught him out and then that's not enough to stop him he carries on !! They have obviously been texting a lot for her to send that so we're did he think this would end up ?

No one can tell you what to do op but when he gets back please don't let him walk all over you with false promises and heaping all the blame onto you
Flowers

donajimena · 05/10/2015 10:14

Can anyone link to the cheaters script? I can't from my phone but even if he doesn't go down 'the script' route I found that incredibly helpful when my ex was cheating. It was almost word for word he followed it and because I knew it I was able to view him as pathetic rather than blaming myself.
It still hurt Flowers

LuckyLuckyMe · 05/10/2015 10:14

So so sorry for what you are going through Rainbow.

Even if nothing but inappropriate messaging has occurred (which IMO is enough) I would not be trusting him until his trust was earned.

Please don't be sucked into feeling you are to blame. Even if your marriage was the worst marriage in the history of marriage the right thing to do would be to end it before texting or flirting with other women.

Unfortunately, the apple rarely falls far from the tree. So sorry Thanks

LuckyLuckyMe · 05/10/2015 10:16

The script:

www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

donajimena · 05/10/2015 10:19

Thanks lucky

BathtimeFunkster · 05/10/2015 10:23

The very, very last thing you should do now is any "fighting" for your marriage.

He wants to (and possibly already has) fuck someone else.

You, begging and pleading and him saying he needs space is what he is hoping for here.

Your only chance of getting this faithless lying prick back is to make him fear losing you.

He wants you fighting for him and doing the pick me dance. He can then indulge his flirtation, blame it on you, see how he likes a bit of strange, keep you desperate on the back burner.

Tell him to back his bags and fuck off, that his shit marriage is over and he needs to find himself somewhere new to live.

Unless he fights for your marriage, it is over and all you will do by acting desperate and compliant is make it easier for him to leave.

HolgerDanske · 05/10/2015 10:41

So what he's saying is he tried his hardest for those three weeks and that's all he wanted to do.

Fair enough.

i wouldn't be entertaining any 'fighting for our marriage' crap now. I'd listen to him and show him the door.

I know that's a lot harder when you're in the middle of it, but I truly believe one should never ever have to beg. You either want to stay and work to make it happen, or you go.

Brew and Cake and later, Wine

Dowser · 05/10/2015 10:53

Rainbow. You will never ever be in such a strong position as this again.

Use it wisely.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 11:06

BathtimeFunkster, I wish you had been around to give me that advice years ago.

Namechanger2015 · 05/10/2015 11:18

BathtimeFunkster, you are so, so right.

helenahandbag · 05/10/2015 11:39

It sounds to me like he wants out but he doesn't have the balls to make his exit. He wouldn't have done it if your marriage was perfect? No marriage is perfect. He wants to pursue other women but he is tied to a family so this is bland, boring, cliched excuse.

I feel sorry for him. He doesn't have the strength or the decency to ask for what he wants, he's just rolling over and hoping that it goes his way in the end so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

thehypocritesoaf · 05/10/2015 11:47

Don't fight for your marriage if he is not going to.

You told him once that his flirting with her was unacceptable and he completely ignored you. - Worse, he's blaming it on you. Be careful that he doesn't do the same thing all over again.

Fratelli · 05/10/2015 12:10

So sorry you're going through this op.
Ultimately you will need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
I just wanted to share my experience. My oh cheated on me with someone from work when I was pregnant and again when our son was 3 weeks old. We have recovered from this but it took time. I know I would recognise his behaviour immediately if he was cheating or if something was wrong as I knew instantly before I was just in denial. We had time apart and I know he us truly remorseful.
I just wanted you to know if you want it to work there's a chance it can if both of you are willing. But I would advise him staying elsewhere for a good few weeks. Don't be ashamed to show him he's hurt you, he should know what a shit he has been.

Flangeshrub · 05/10/2015 12:25

God these scenarios give me pain in my solar plexus. I was you 10 months ago.

I think your DH wants out, please believe people who tell you about 'the script'. I did the pick me dance for FOUR MONTHS. Just to save my two children's happiness and that of my own biological child who looked on him as a father.

Truth is he was already out the door, had been for eighteen months, emotionally.

For the pain that is before you I'm so sorry but you WILL be happy again without him, real soul mates/true loves/wonderful husbands DO NOT behave like this CUNTS do.

Please don't blame the woman. I spent months with misdirected blame, thinking if only she disappeared my wonderful husband would come back. I suspect she is a decent (ish) person who bought his bullshit. Like me.

Stay here, post here. The support is amazing.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 12:43

I am at work and I don't know how I'm holding it together I literally cannot handle this...Dont judge me but never before have I wished my sons school would call because he is sick or something

OP posts:
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