is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

[Rainbowlou1]

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

Blimey. We do not know these people! We do not know what OPs DH has done or is thinking but there are people here offering such absolute advice! OP is married and with two children involved - therefore no decisions can be taken lightly. If she did not love her DH, she would not be so upset. She needs to talk to him, face to face, not on the phone. Then she / they need to make decisions based on the facts as only they can know them. It could be true that he has been flattered and has had a flirtation. It happens.

i agree with bathtime as well. i started to post saying the same thing this morning but ran out of time to finish it and had to go out.

We survived the 'affair' (if you can even call it that) because he wanted to make it better and he desperately wanted to stay and make things right - whether I did or not is hardly the point, it wouldn't have worked unless he wanted to. The last thing anyone should be doing do is fighting to mend something they didn't break, or begging or compromising themselves to keep hold of someone who has let them down. the most that will get you is a temporary reprieve from a partner who feels guilty and feels like he should go through the motions for a little while so he can look you in the eye and say he tried.

Well fuck that.

It's his job to work to get back in, not your job to have to cling on. If he is already saying he doesn't know what he wants, before he's even had a chance to talk to you face to face about what's happened then that sounds like he's already set himself up mentally to walk away….

That's not to say he won't change his mind and decide he wants to get your marriage back on track, but it's up to you to decide whether he gets that privilege or not.

Also the fact that you both acknowledged the marriage was in trouble before this happened makes me think perhaps this has been going in longer than you realised.

Rainbow - I think you need to go home and get ready for tonight. Can anyone have or mind the kids for you?

He said if our marriage was perfect he wouldn't have messaged her so maybe it's the end.

He is gearing up to frame you for this, planting the seeds and preparing how to spin this so he takes little or no responsibility.

Remember that at some point he gave himself permission to give out his number and exchange texts with this woman, he didn't HAVE to do that because the marriage isn't perfect. Has he actually apologised to you?

Who said the "so maybe it is the end" bit, was that him or the opinion of OP. It is not clear from the posting.

We are not judging you, whatever you decide. Posters are compassionately reliving some of the hardest times of their lives. So that you are informed and hopefully able to make good quality decisions about the way forward.

Take your time. There is no need to decide anything just now. Gather facts, take care of yourself and your DCs, get your ducks in a row.

Yarboo, I read it as OP's husband.

LeaveMyWings, you are very, very, wise.

I feel for you Rainbow.

I've been there.

Your husband is an utter bastard if only for this - "He said if our marriage was perfect he wouldn't have messaged her"

On what planet does messaging and flirting with (let alone fucking) other women improve one's marriage?!?

He's shifting it onto you - stand firm and be strong. This is not your fault. It took me a while to realise that I could have been the most perfect wife in the world but he would have still done what he did because the problem lay with him, not me. No marriage is perfect - that's not real life.

I'm not saying dump him right now but I think you need some time apart to work out what you want.

Good luck

Thank you.

Do not let him make it this is half your fault because your marriage is not perfect! It is 100% ALL HIM that did this. He decided too. He probably thought he was entitled too. He might have even convinced himself he deserved too because you did X, didn't do X, said something etc etc. Do not let him say this is a mutual decision to end things. Twat.

Rainbow go home if you can't face work. Say you feel ill and take some time on your own without the DCs and your H.

As so many wise posters have already said, you can't fight for this. It's not even about whether you should fight for it or not. One person cannot fight to save a relationship. Your H has to be willing to admit he's wrong; take full responsibility and be committed to working to regain your trust. To quote Dr Phil, your H drove the car off the road - he has to work to get it back on again.

Trying to put the blame on you shows that he is nowhere near there.

Please don't let him blame you for this. You're in this relationship too and you've managed to survive without sending dubious texts to someone else. He could have managed too.

If you don't make this a big line, you're giving him permission to send texts and hand out his phone number whenever he feels unhappy. You're accepting a new boundary in your relationship that can only make you miserable. So stay strong and make it clear that this is unacceptable. You can then decide what you want to do next depending on whether he steps up to take responsibility or not.

Rainbow I have taken a day off work for far less distressing situations so you have been amazing to even go to work.

Never forget that you are worthy of the best treatment and that applies to your kids too. Typically your penis led husband values his dick above love trust and loyalty. How can some men be so bloody stupid yet cunning at the same time? Note I said some.

I am so angry and upset for you. (((Hugs))).

He is trying to scare you into begging him to stay. He's trying to make you fear him ending the marriage so you start the pick me dance. Don't let it change how you act. Look at how you reacted, straight away you wanted to fight for your marriage, to try and gain some control.

I'm sorry, but you are not in full control of that. He is. He is the only one who can make this right. I dont know whether he wants to or not. The ending the marriage line was just to make you scared, I don't know whether it is real or not.

the only thing you can decide is if you want to stay and offer him the chance to make it right (if you believe he truly wants to) or if you leave the marriage. That ball is in your court.

As I predicted he is being spiteful and trying to blame you for his own actions. This may be born out of shame and fear.

What he has chosen to do recently has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's absolutely not your fault in any way. You are not to blame at all. His actions, his alone.

Hope you are hanging in there at work. Try and get home early. You've had a dreadful shock and you must be exhausted.

Rainbow I know people are giving you the benefit of their experience and hoping you will send your DH packing, but you have to do what is right for you. Him hinting that he might want to end the marriage seems to have made you want to fight to save it - I don't know anything about this "pick me" stuff but I think that at the very least you should have counselling so that you are able to talk about what's wrong in your marriage and how hurt you are by his infidelity.

The only thing I would say is if your DH comes out with "I still love you but I'm not in love with you............." that could well mean that his sights are set elsewhere and might be nothing to do with the woman you saw on the phone. Of course he might be being clever enough to project some of the blame for his behaviour onto you and that's not on.........is he capable of this.

I think if you stay together you will never fully trust him again, but he would need to understand this and make sure he always tells you where he is and who with etc. and becomes aware of when you are suspicious and does everything he can to put your mind at rest, if that makes sense.
How do I know this ............ well take a wild guess!

I think the trouble with these situations is that it attracts women who have been cheated on and hearing about someone else, sort of re-activates their own anger and hence all the calls to LTB. I'd advise not to make decisions at the height of your hurt/anger - have some time apart and talk when you're both feeling less stressed. I think you will soon know if he wants to put things right if he agrees to counselling or not, although I had to issue an ultimatum, and it was the best thing we ever did. We got to say things to each other we'd never have said before - and I learned so much about OH's fears and worries that I never knew.

Take care of yourself and don't say anything to the children. I think you need to factor in your DD's GCSE year too and her recent bereavement. The loss of her step dad might be one loss too many. Doesn't mean you have to stay together for ever..........and YES to going home today - just say you are unwell - you must certainly look unwell.

If your marriage was perfect -... my arse!

1. No marriage is perfect
2. If it isn't "perfect" then the honourable thing to do is to talk about it and agree on whether it is fixable or not.
3. If it is, then you agree on how to go about this. If not then you separate and preferably at least start divorce proceedings before attempting to jump into bed with someone else.
4. If you try to fix it and you feel it's still not working, then you say so - it is not a get out of jail free card for having affairs. You agreed that there were problems but you haven't been sending or responding to revealing photos.
5. Three weeks (minus 6 days) is surely not long enough to decide that something can't be fixed unless you knew to begin with that you didn't want to bother.

A marriage in difficulties is not an excuse for infidelity - it can only be a reason for separation.

Metaphorically speaking he's been caught with his trousers down.

Was he going to tell you.

Course he wasn't.

You would only have found out ( by chance) or if he was going to take it to the next level with her or someone else

Which is why your position is very strong at the moment. You've got him on the back foot.

Hand him his bags. Have a cool calm head on his shoulders. Get tough. ( you can fall apart when he's gone if you need to)

What you do today will determine the outcome.

A short sharp shock will let him see how unacceptable his behaviour is.

Cut loose, He either goes to her or fights for you.

You decide. Don't give your power away at this stage.

I did not have the benefit of the knowledge of my exh affair. I just got the I love you not in love with you crap.

It's horrible OP. It sucks big time just please don't give your power away.

Hope you're ok OP. I have been through this. Except I was very naive and believed it was just messages, stayed longer, and wish I hadn't.

When men cheat, in my experience, they will only ever admit to what they've been caught out doing.

If you see text messages - I only sent a few harmless messages, there's nothing going on, honestly.

If you have a friend who see's them in town - I literally just bumped into her, she was a bit down so we went for a quick drink, nothing happened I promise.

If you catch them on an online site - I was only looking, there's nothing going on, I would never meet up with anyone on there, honest.

If you actually catch them in bed together/or see them together and it's obvious what's going on - it was just the one time, it has never happened before, it will never happen again.

You think by them admitting it, and 'telling the truth' that they are somehow worth forgiving. But they're not. Because they will only ever admit (by force) from whatever evidence you have gathered. And if all you have gathered is a few messages, then they do not have to admit to the rest of the story. And they won't ever give you more information than you need, so they can convince you you're the one being unreasonable, that if you can't forgive a few messages, then you're the one with the problems.

Then of course they will roll out the usual if we were 100% happy, then I wouldn't be sending messages would I? Please don't allow him to turn this back on you.

Also, he hasn't just betrayed you, but your children as well.

Please be strong, please don't fall for his excuses. No marriage is 100% perfect, that is a given, but crossing the line like this, I personally would never forgive.

Good luck OP xxx

What Carrie says is true. My piece of doo doo told me nothing about what he'd been up to.

I didn't have mumsnet to fall back on. Things would have been so different if I had.

Just be very aware (you sound like you already are) that he is going with attack as his best form of defence. Don't allow him to tell you that this is in any way your fault. If things weren't great, he should have been focusing on that, not looking outwards instead. Things haven't been great for you either, does that mean you should have been messaging rugby players on instagram in your spare time?

As someone above said, no one has the perfect marriage-decent people don't use this as an excuse to message/flirt/shag other people.
Please don't let him lay this on you & definitely don't do the pick me thing, let him do all the fighting-if he doesn't then you have your answer.

I managed to stay at work...my boss called
Me
I to her office offer me a training opportunity to further my career which gave me a little bit of positivity today...she said i deserved it and was so nice I just wanted to cry!
I'm now on the verge of telling him that tonight he isn't welcome over to talk, I think if I can get through tonight it will
Be easier to keep him at arms length for a bit while I sort my head out.
My son ran out of school yelling my daddy's coming home! Do I let him come and see him or lie and pretend he is working?
Thank you all for your advice and stories and keeping me sane..I'm on my phone so can't see all the replies when I get in the pc later I'll have a proper read x

The point is not whether or not Rainbow should want to save her marriage or not. That's for her to decide and it's none of our business.

People are advising on attitude. And Rainbow has a right to be completely in control of how this is handled. She has a right to demand his commitment one way or another and she has a right to expect him to want to prove to her that he absolutely was the one who chose, (yes, chose, because it didn't just happen because sniff, sniff, the marriage wasn't perfect or whatever rubbish he's trying to claim now) to do something he should never have done, and that he is sorry and takes full responsibility.

I absolutely believe he should be shown the door, if not for good then certainly until he decides he's actually bothered about his wife and family.

Of course Rainbow will take what she wants from this and will make her own decision, and she absolutely has to do what feels right to her no matter what anyone else says they would have done. But while she's coming to grips with the shock it's very important to hear galvanising messages of support at because otherwise it is very, very easy to fall into the trap of bending over backwards to somehow 'fix thing' for the person who cheated, which absolves them of all responsibility for the crap decisions and hurtful actions they instigated.

Again, .

Whatever you decide to do, remember to do it from a position of strength.