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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is anyone awake? I don't know what to do I'm in utter shock and cant stop crying...

348 replies

Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 01:39

I feel so sick, I was going to name change but what's the point? he has screwed me over no matter who I am...and i feel so stupid as i have been on here talking about us starting our new life away together..
Our marriage has become quite strained over the last few weeks-both to blame really and work etc getting in the way. We talked and agreed we would make this work and we both missed what we had before..
He then went to a friend's wedding (I couldn't get out of work so couldn't go) but when he got back I had a real niggly feeling that he was hiding something from me, for the first time in 10 years I checked his phone when he was in the shower and there were a couple of messages between him and a girl he met at this wedding-a bit flirty and a bit upsetting and we had s blazing row about him stepping over the line giving and taking a number...he swore nothing happened and it was banter etc. I wasnt happy but I wanted to try and make this work.
He then a few days later went away on a previously booked trip for 5 days (an annual event) I was very tearful as I didn't feel we were quite sorted and he insisted we would be ok.
Contact while he was away was a bit intermittent but he called to speak to the kids and was ok with me, said he loved me and missed me etc..
today his phone was unavailable and he text to say it had been playing up loads but seemed ok now it was reset.. I went to bed feeling ok, he is back tomorrow and we can have a proper chat and get our selves back on track..
Anyway tonight i go to set my alarm and i have a picture message of this girl from the wedding waving at the mirror in a dressing gown with the caption...different day, different hotel room (she was working abroad for 3 weeks after the wedding i gathered from their texts) he had replied 'i like your wave but would like even better to be inside that gown'
How i got those messages i don't know... he isn't answering his phone and isn't back until tomorrow evening.
I feel sick to my stomach....how the fuck can i face work tomorrow let alone the kids who are so excited about him coming home...

OP posts:
marzipan123 · 05/10/2015 03:22

And please, please don't say anything to your children at this point!

Personally, I would fight to the death to protect my family from hussies like that. I would be replying to HER message, warning her off in a very strong way!

I wouldn't be giving up on something I had invested so much in so easily. As you said he was your best friend, you had a lot going for you. But things have been strained. Hey, everyone has bad patches, but you can get through them. Hang in there!

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:25

It was like the message came through to me some how not a screen shot...I don't know!i don't understand how it happened and don't know how I can find out?no doubt he has deleted it from his side x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:28

I won't say anything to the children at all...I'm sadly very good at putting on a brave face these days!!

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Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:29

It's him not calling that is killing me...if I thought for one minute I had hurt him in this way I would be up all night trying to fix it...it like he doesn't give a shit and it's a horrible feeling

OP posts:
GirlDownUnder · 05/10/2015 03:33

But marzipan123 this isn't a mistake now. It might have been more explainable as a 'mistake' the first time he got caught, if you thinking having banter that upsets your life partner, threatens your primary relationship, and puts your children's home at risk a just a mistake.

Surely how upset Rainbowlou1 was when she caught him the first time should have been all the wake up call he needed. And their conversation about line crossing, boundaries, and trying to make things work should have been an end to it. Unfortunatly its doesn't even seem to have slowed him down!

Rainbowlou1 I am so sorry you are going through this alone, and even more sorry that despite your upset, and messages to him, he has managed to sleep when you are still awake doing all the worrying about your family by yourself.
I hope things are clearer for you after some sleep and you find the strength you need to do the right thing for you and yours Flowers

GirlDownUnder · 05/10/2015 03:40

And please do not contact her! It's not a pissing competition, and you really won't win by doing the pick me dance. You have way more integrity than that and the only person you should be saying anything to in a "very strong way" is your not so D DH. He's the one jeopardising your relationship and forgetting his vows.
You haven't given up anything - he has, and his is the greatest loss.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/10/2015 03:41

I think he's taking the time to work out what he is going to say to you and also to work out exactly what you know. As a PP said, either his phone malfunctioned; he sent the text to you which was meant for a friend; or he is with OW and she sent it to you. I think he told you his phone wasn't working and has ignored your text in the hope he could somehow wriggle out of whatever you had received.

My earlier post was in response to your posts saying you wanted to put your DH out and change the locks. I can see other posters are telling you to 'fight to the death'. Only you can decide what you want to do. I'd caution against seeing this as a competition between you and the OW. It's not. It's about your relationship with your DH. The OW is immaterial and falling into the 'pick-me-dance' can be incredibly damaging for a relationship and your self esteem.

Don't hesitate to ask your DH for any space you may need to try to work out how you feel. Or you could even go to Relate on your own.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/10/2015 03:43

Oops - x-post with GirlDownUnder about the pick-me-dance.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:50

I've been reading up on the pick me dance and to some extent I think I have done it a little when we chatted the other week about our marriage needing to be worked on...I'm not doing it now not over someone else!
I really don't want to see him tomorrow but I also want to grab him and scream at him and ask him what the hell does he think he has done!
It's like he saw her picture somewhere...maybe fb/ instagram or something and he saved it and then sent it with his own little caption about getting in her gown but accidentally sent it to me( I should be grateful really other wise id be oblivious!)
We slept together on Wednesday morning before he left and told me we were going to be ok Sad

OP posts:
MrsChanningTatum · 05/10/2015 03:51

I would be asking him to leave, to give you space to think.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 03:54

I will pack him some stuff tomorrow and when/if he comes home I'll ask him to stay somewhere else for the week...I'm just dreading work and having to act normal x

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 05/10/2015 03:55

So he knows you know, has managed to go on Whatsapp but he hasn't phoned or text you?
What an arse.
Please try to get some sleep (says me who has to get up for work in two hours Grin) even if it's sat in front of some crappy tv show.
FlowersBrewCake

GirlDownUnder · 05/10/2015 04:00

I'm so sorry Rainbow. He's a bloody idiot and one day he'll realise it, but you're doing really well if you already recognise that you've been doing the pick me dance, and you'll stop now.

I get the not wanting to see him, but wanting him there so you can rip his head off. Maybe you can tell you him you want some time and for him to stay away; that'll give you the space you need to get your financial / practical ducks in a row and emotionally turn that white hot rage into a cold pinpoint of emotion that you can use to your advantage when dealing with him?

You're going to struggle to sleep, brain going at warp speed and you'll keep remembering stuff you've done, he's said, so can you get pen and paper and start making lists of what you want to happen and what you need in order to make that happen? Use this time to usefully plan, then later when you crash (and I'm so sorry, but you will, adrenaline will wear off) then you can wallow and start healing.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 04:03

Good advice girldownunder...I'm shaking now and running on adrenaline -I'm wide awake and can't concentrate on tv so will start writing lists and packing him a bag for the week xx

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WildStallions · 05/10/2015 04:10

I think his plane probably does arrive early. And he's told you the later time so he can go round to her house before coming home. So I think there's more going on then inexcusably flirty texts.

I'm very sorry Flowers

Kicking him out will be dreadfully hard on your DC - but so will staying with him. They will know something big is wrong. Pretending in front of them isn't healthy or sustainable. And long term I think will damage them more.

GirlDownUnder · 05/10/2015 04:11

It's a hideous feeling, that breathless, gut wrenching, churning that serves no useful purpose. All that energy with no where to go, so I hope being practical helps, or at least starts to calm you down. And it will definitely help later if you're clear on what you want.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 05/10/2015 04:26

Another one agreeing with Marzipan. I usually get flamed when I say things like that, but I am extremely happily married, all our friends say we have the strongest marriage they know of, and we've been described as like like a couple of newlyweds as we don't have that jaded contempt for one another that lots of couples have and have been together 26 years.

About 8 or 9 years in, i could have told a couple of stories like the OPs. Whatever those couple of minor dalliances/flirtations/indiscretions were, the were not full blown affairs, they barely got off the ground and they weren't worth throwing away our lives together for. I felt unbelievably angry and hurt at the time but I persevered, he got a huge wake up call, pulled himself together and here we are, just about to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary. I can honestly say that if either one of us were to have an affair these days it would be more likely to be me than him, and I am about as unlikely to have an affair as it's possible to be.

Just think it through that's all.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 05/10/2015 04:30

And will also add that my sister will tell you exactly the same thing, and our best friends have both had an affair each that has almost ruined their marriage each time (several years apart) but they have worked hard to understand why it happened and to get things back on track. They felt that they really were best friends and each had just got sidetracked by flattery and attention and an infatuation got out of hand. They are now very strong and very happy, also more than 25 years together.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 05/10/2015 04:40

sorry i meant my sister would tell you the same thing about her marriage, not about mine!

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 05/10/2015 04:42

Can you look at his online booking to see if he is telling the truth about the flight times?

3littlebadgers · 05/10/2015 05:01

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I am wishing you lots of strength and peace of mind whatever you decide to do. Yy to checking flight times though. I also think you are wise to ask him to stay elsewhere. You need your own space to process everything and it shows him the severity of what he has done.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 05:45

Thank you all for your messages...I haven't slept a wink but busying Myself now getting school stuff ready... I checked the flight it lands at 5.30 so he won't be back until much later on tonight-not that I've decided if I want him here..I kind of do to hear what his pathetic excuses are going to be but not sure if I can then handle another night of upset.
Maybe I'll be stronger if I keep him at arms length while I get my head around it.
I'm torturing myself by keeping looking at the texts which is wrong I know but I don't want to delete them.
He has read my messages so I know he is now awake..but I've heard nothing so either he just doesn't care or is really embarrassed and doesn't know what to say (or make up!)

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Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 05:47

Leavemywingsbehindme if you don't mind me asking how do you get over that without it eating away at you? I'm curious as to what steps a person takes to get trust back x

OP posts:
LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 05/10/2015 05:49

He's probably cacking himself to be honest, and thinking of what the hell he's going to say.

Original poster
Rainbowlou1 · 05/10/2015 05:50

I have a feeling after my extremely abusive text to him last night he may just think fuck it and stay away x

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