I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

[MySordidCakeSecret]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure

Sweetheart I am truly appalled at what you've been through.
Please leave this man. He is conditioning you for a life of abuse. Most abusers don't start off straight away,they slowly build up the little things so that it all seems so inconsequential at the time. I can guarantee you if you are still with him in a year he will be raping you. He is not a brilliant dad. A brilliant dad does not abuse the mother of his child. Does he get angry and frustrated at work? With his mates? No of course not,that's a stick specially reserved to beat you with. And now he may have given you an STD. Please ring women's aid and get advice.

I think you are confusing your own health issues with his abuse of you. Your healing/pain are totally separate to him abusing you. Yet you seem to be using your own health issues as an excuse to justify his awful treatment of you.

I hope you will call Women's Aid and get the support you need to get this man out of your life for good.

You have had lots of good advice OP and I have nothing new to add. Just wanted to show my support and hope that you manage to escape this awful situation.

If I had pain suddenly during sex , of course I would ask my partner to stop . The fact that you have to even ask this shows how dysfunctional your relationship is .

Cake - you've had replies from about 20 different Mners here . Most, if not all of them have sex with men . Most have been with a number of men over their lives . And not one poster has said that what how you are living is normal . Everyone has said they are shocked and saddened by how he is treating you .

Why do you think that is ?

The problem isn't your episiotomy . It's your partner. He's abusive .

The problem isnt his sex drive . It's that he's an abuser.

Would you consider going to Women's aid ? Tell them that lots of your friends have told you that your DP is abusive but you are not sure . Tell them what you've said here .

If it's just a matter of you needing to see your doctor, or you needing to be firmer with him, or you needing to stop turning him on - they'll soon let you know .

please think about it

ok thank you everyone

Did you manage to talk to the doctor, OP? Find out why they left the message?

How are you doing Cake? Did you get an answer from the doctor?

No the phoneline was closed will have to wait til monday and i'll update, i'm doing ok thank you

Hope your weekend's been fairly painless, Cake, in every respect. Good luck with the doc's tomorrow - and would you consider calling Women's Aid for a chat, whilst you're dealing with things? 0808 2000 247

How are you, cake?

Hi cake I just wanted to say a lt of us are thinking about you,

Hope things are going ok both medically and emotionaly.

I know this thread has been a massive shock for you but I'm glad that you posted.

The rights over you mind and body are NOT up for discussion and I hope soon you will be in a position to see that.

Iv been in a different (overall) position to you but there was a lot of similarities. Due to my childhood history I didn't know then either but 15 years on I am shocked how I allowed myself to be treated (esp sexually) by a man I thought loved me. I am with a different partner now and the difference is remarkable he would never ever do what your dp or my last do are/were doing.

Thank you everyone I can't believe how kind you lot are! I'm ok, i rang the drs and i have thrush with no symptoms so that's ok.. I checked myself again and i can see very clearly that the episiotomy has opened but healed it probably makes no sense but annoyed at the dr, i've been in far less discomfort so that's good.

In terms of dp things have been ok. He's making a big effort and since i spoke to him he hasn't made sexual comments/groped or propositioned me. I'm still having a break and working over things in my mind. I know i should have done something after that night, probably left him but it seems like nothing now and I don't know if i'm able to do it right now it would be a big thing as i only have my dad for support, and with the dc my dp helps so much.. but i know that i have limits and they've been reached. I can't take anymore cheating or especially not being made to feel scared and threatened again. If that happened i would have to take action.

Ah, I'm really glad it's just thrush.

Is there any point going back to doc about your healed scar? Would bio oil help do you think? Sorry if that's a stupid idea, I've no experience with it.

As for your dp, I'm really pleased he's leaving you alone, and that you feel in a stronger position to make your boundaries absolutely clear.

You know where we are anyway, should you need support x

What Bastard said :) (It looks funny writing that!)

Thank you for updating, Cake. I'm so pleased you're getting some space to regroup yourself. It could be worth asking to see the nurse for advice on the scar?

Just a thought about the thrush - assuming you're treating yours, DP must get treated as well or he'll re-infect you if/when intercourse resumes. I'm in two minds about whether to suggest telling him this around the time he starts hassling you again - oops, I just did!

I hope you'll have enough opportunity to organise your thoughts and your health, then lay things on the line for [D]P. Should things get messy again, MN is here and so is Women's Aid.

By the way, did you do the Freedom Programme after your previous relationship? It's definitely worth a revisit every so often as our lives change and we grow in experience. You are valuable.