I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

[MySordidCakeSecret]

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure

He sounds selfish, sees sex as a right and something that you owe him.

No wonder you can't relax!

I'm afraid every post just gets worse, it's no wonder you don't want sex with him, this is no way to live your life op

Also, OP, try saying "No" instead of pushing him away or pushing his hand away or rolling over. Nothing more is needed. If it is, then, as before, leave.

I'm sorry OP but that sounds like he was half way towards raping you.

He sounds vile and for your own sake I don't think you should be with a man like that. What about next time? What if he doesn't manage to "stop himself"? The taking your leggings and knickers off and trying to get between your legs alone sounds frightening and like a borderline sexual assault.

Why would you want to be with someone who is constantly pestering you for sex? That is absolute bullshit that any man would get angry about not being able to have sex, that is not a normal reaction. My DH has gone months without sex and never uttered a word about it as he knew I wasn't well enough.
He needs to learn to deal with his needs himself, if he cared about your feelings and needs he would be going put of his way to male coping strategies for his high sex drive (and no I don't mean cheating on you)

OP your last post was actually quite chilling. The last bit in particular about the corner made my blood run cold.

I really don't think you can trust this man with his 'urges'. He sounds as though he's getting more angry and more pushy and I really don't think any of that is good news. He isn't treating you well at all.

What the fuck did he mean by get in the corner? Is there any rational explanation you can think of?

The scenario you describe would happen If we have been intimate the day before yes..

The majority of the time If I don't want sex I make it clear to him and he only bothers me with advances if we cuddle or it's been a few days. If i don't want sex with him I can't cuddle him because he gets overexcited, that's not normal then i take it

This is sexual abuse. The way he pressures you for sex is completely wrong. I think the lines are already blurred when it comes to consent, but it's only a matter of time before he rapes you in a way that is clearly and unequivocally rape. The problem is, you might not realise it's rape, because he's been conditioning you to think that his sexual behaviour is normal. IT'S NOT.

Please call Women's Aid to talk things through. Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? If not would you consider talking to a counsellor?

you are not frigid

It is so obvious HIM that is the problem.

He so obviously does not care about your feelings.

Is he the sort of man who thinks all housework/ childcare is your domain as well?

No, not normal, I can cuddle my husband, spoon in bed at night or in the morning, clothed or naked, then go to sleep or get up, whatever, no pressure, no over-excitement, just a hug

No, OP, your DP's 'inability' to control his overexcitement is not normal. It is regressed and infantile, and he needs help.

I am going to repeat this to be absolutely clear, OP. Your DP is abusive, he is out of consent, he is sexually violating you, and it is his responsibility to seek help. Your responsibility is to remove yourself from a situation that is so dysfunctional as to be worth talking to someone about, whether Women's Aid or the police.

"If i don't want sex with him I can't cuddle him because he gets overexcited, that's not normal then i take it"

No it's not normal. DH and I cuddle all the time without him getting "overexcited". If he wants sex and I'm not in the mood, we can still cuddle. Sometimes we're doing things that usually lead to sex (kissing, foreplay) and I realise I don't really want sex, or just change my mind, so we stop and it's totally fine. He is never angry. That's normal.

Sorry OP but your relationship is very dysfunctional.

No OP, it is not normal that he can't cuddle you without needing to have sex. It's not ok at all.

My dh doesn't get as much sex as he would like. We talk about it and we both compromise. I make more effort to be open to it, he makes more effort to remember I'm constantly shattered and it's not a priority right now. At no point am I afraid of cuddling him for fear of 'waking the beast'. At no point does dh touch me when I don't want to be. He most certainly does not remove my clothing and start performing a sex act.

None of this is ok.

My stbxh was like this. It's seriously effected me to the point where although I enjoy sex with current partner, I find it almost impossible to orgasm. He put so much pressure on me, for so long, that it's taken 2 years of being free to be able to say "no" to next partner without worrying, to be able to try new things or ask for what I want and to occasionally orgasm.

Sex should be enjoyable. Your partner sounds abusive.

so he does have a problem with his sex drive.
No, not normal, I can cuddle my husband, spoon in bed at night or in the morning, clothed or naked, then go to sleep or get up, whatever, no pressure, no over-excitement, just a hug that's what i would like.

but this was totally out of character what happened, do you think he'll do it again?

What the fuck did he mean by get in the corner? Is there any rational explanation you can think of? yes we both knew what he meant, he wanted me to do a position in the corner if that makes sense.

Jesus he sound absolutely hideous!

I'm having a difficult time finding anything positive in your relationship.

He's cheated, he thinks any type of contact entitles him to sex, he's convinced you if you don't meet his needs he's entitled to get angry or have them met else where. He's abusive.

A decent and kind man would want you to heal from the birth he certainly wouldn't be sticking his dick in your face.

I don't see anything healthy in this relationship further more I don't see how this could be fixed. Sex is very important it can't be the only aspect of your relationship.

This isn't right OP and I think you know it.

You shouldn't be having to use force to stop him. He is not entitled to sex.
From your description of the other night, it sounds like he was gearing up to do it anyway but stopped for some reason. But he pushed you further than he has before. This will continue, and at some point you won't be able to stop him.
I am guessing that the undercurrent of if you don't give me sex I will have to go elsewhere for it is effectively coercing you into sex that you don't want. You deserve better than that.

As an example of how things can be - I am also a little anxious with sex right now (for very different reasons). If I freeze, even slightly, dh backs off and checks I'm ok. This has resulted in no sex - nobody died, dh didn't moan and we still had a cuddle afterwards.

Also, I read on here somewhere that when looking at your partner and you're not sure how you feel, ask yourself 'would I be happy if my son turned out like him? Would I be happy if my daughter brought a man like him home?'
I have to say, if I had a son like this I would be so so ashamed.

What are you hoping for OP?

The fact that he's ordering you to do various positions at all makes me want to scream. Let alone everything else.

Has he referenced the fact that you are still healing from childbirth at all? Does it even feature in his horizon?

he says that he's forward because i never initiate it even when i want it, and sometimes i say no but then enjoy it (for example oral) i think in part it is a problem i've created too

'Because of testosterone' eh? Oh so he's one of those ones who thinks that it's all justified because science?

Well it's not. It's not normal for an adult male to be 'unable' to control sexual desire. It's considered abnormal and pathological

A normal male can become excited, be told no, or realise the situation is no, and deal with it In a non sexual manner. A normal, well adjusted male does not want to have sex with a partner who is not up for it.

He's a sex pest, forcing sex upon you and then turning on the emotional abuse /cheating when he doesn't get his way. I assume his attitude to this is that it's justified because, you know, males are designed to spread their seed (yuck.)

Op, let me be blunt - you're being sexually abused and emotionally abused.

you have a right to say no. You need help, urgently, and frankly, I think you need to get out. This is very disturbing.

His behaviour is edging into territory that isn't worth staying around for, OP. And without intervention it will escalate - I have absolutely no doubt about that.

And the only intervention I can see being possible right now is ending the relationship right here, right now.

It doesn't sound as if it was totally out of character - he went further than before but it's not the first time he's pushed you into sex

The corner thing is just hideous

"this was totally out of character what happened, do you think he'll do it again?"

It wasn't out of character. Everything you have told us about his behaviour indicates that he is sexually abusive and he is gradually increasing the abuse. I already said this but I will repeat: he will do it again. I think he will rape you. Actually I think he has already forced/insisted on sex against your will:
"sometimes I say no but then enjoy it"
This tells me that he persists even after you've said no. That is non-consensual sex. You may have let him continue but I suspect that's because you felt pressured and that you had to give in (so he wouldn't get angry, cheat on you, etc).
"I think in part it is a problem I created too"
None of this is your fault, OP. He is the abuser and you are the victim. But you can fix the problem. The first step is to call Women's Aid.

But if it was your relationship, which is usually a good one, and then this problem begins, and although you can trsust him to stop and he understands it is still a problem.

Then that one night he acts totally out of character, but he did stop although not immediately, and he admitted he was wrong and said sorry.

Last night I made it clear i wasn't interested, i rolled over and he cuddled me but his erection was prodding me, i moved away and he said he had to roll over to calm down. He asked what was wrong i explained and he admitted he needed to change and he would try his best to control it.

What would you do? in the context?