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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

214 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 12:18

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:16

i know it's wrong i realise that now, if i want a cuddle and he gets turned on he'll have to learn to deal with it.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 01/10/2015 14:16

Btw, he can still be a "loving and brilliant dad" if he lives apart from his children. But your DC deserve a mother who is not under pressure, and to not live in an environment where their father is abusive (stressed, distant, and angry) because of his sex addiction. Imagine how that will be for them growing up, and what the relationship you wish to model to them is.

Ideally you will leave him. But if that feels impossible right now you MUST tell him he must seek help, because his behaviour is out of order.

goodasitgets · 01/10/2015 14:17

I have stopped before (my coil felt odd) and said ow stop. He stopped immediately, asked what was wrong, gave me a cuddle and we fell asleep. He asked if I was ok in the morning and reminded me to book a doctors appointment
That's kind of what I expect Sad
He shouldn't be acting like an over sexed teenager

Verbena37 · 01/10/2015 14:17

I think, because you're implying you want to stay in your marriage, you have to be more open with your DH.
I watched a programme last year where one half of a couple wanted a lot more sex than the other and the therapist's solution was to have a chart on the fridge that both people moved up or down to signal to the other how up for sex they were feeling that day/night.

That sounds a bit Hmm but it actually worked. The other person had no idea that their partner wasn't feeling the love that day but after a few weeks of them both doing the chart, it illustrated just how out of sync their sex life was. Eventually, they didn't need the chart and they talked a lot more about how they felt.

Has your DH always been like this from the start of your relationship? Has he seen the GP? Perhaps he has way too much testosterone and can take meds to reduce it? Kind of in the same way you can take meds to increase your libido bu the opposite.

Then,vi think you need to talk frankly with him. Not just by saying you're still healing (and yes, after my episiotomy it took a lot longer than 5 months) and the scar tissue will possibly pull and feel strange for years to come. ....my scar aches when I'm tired and my son was born ten and a half years ago!

You need to explain how you feel and that you'd love to be able to cuddle as a cuddle without it leading anywhere. Rather than waiting til you're sat on the sofa, ask him over dinner how he feels and try to help him see how he makes you feel.

If you then still decide to stay, I'd tell him you both need to have a totally no touching, no kissing, no sex time (perhaps a month or more) and then slowly increase romance (rather than anything sexual) until eventually, when you're ready, to reintroduce more intimacy.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/10/2015 14:17

If DH thought he had hurt me during sex?

He certainly wouldn't be sulking and telling me it makes him feel bad. He would be checking I was ok, cuddling me, reassuring me...

Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 14:18

Yes, he'd stop and he'd be concerned he'd hurt me

Look, he's an abusive arse - has been for a while, maybe always, nothing you've posted has made it seem any better, it's just worse and worse. It may take a while for you to realise it, but one day you will

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:19

Thank you for verbena for you advice, I do need a break and I'll talk to him. It does feel a bit impossible to leave right now.. if he raped me or used force or if he cheated then i would have to leave and deal with the consequences but atm i have nowhere to go and absolutely no finances.

OP posts:
Judydreamsofhorses · 01/10/2015 14:20

If I had pain during sex I would say, ow, that hurts, and my partner would immediately stop without being asked/told. He would ask what was wrong and be concerned, try to help or comfort me. On occasion we've had situations where one of us has had something silly like cramp/hiccups or he's ended up leaning on my hair (ouch) and we've stopped having sex and fallen about laughing.

I certainly wouldn't expect him to go off and relieve himself or to be annoyed. How old is your partner, OP?

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:21

Has your DH always been like this from the start of your relationship? Has he seen the GP?

He hasn't seen the gp and I'm not sure.. I'm trying to think back, we were only teenagers when we got together, sex was never really a problem. I don't remember him being so obsessed with sex and always getting his penis out, asking for blowjobs etc like he does nowadays.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 14:21

He had used force and he has cheated, according to your earlier posts

If practicalities are all that's stopping you then speak to women's aid, they can advise on the help available

Scarydinosaurs · 01/10/2015 14:21

It sounds as if you have to shoulder all of the responsibility of controlling/repressing his sexual advances: must have had sex with him recently, must not turn him on, must not get dressed up and give the wrong impression.

It is so deeply wrong, I'm worried for you.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:21

he's 24

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 01/10/2015 14:22

This all sounds very unhealthy CakeSecret

I wouldn't be very shocked if after you tell him your views he's all "right then, open marriage."

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2015 14:24

if he raped me or used force or if he cheated then i would have to leave and deal with the consequences but atm i have nowhere to go and absolutely no finances.

Please start to set some contingency plans in place (WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT WITH HIM) about getting some cash together and having a plan that involves becoming independent for the future. If you are on maternity leave, will you go back soon? Do you have any friends you can confide in with confidence?

Please talk to Women's Aid. They can help with practicalities so that hopefully you feel in a stronger position not to have to out up with anything. This will be useful even if he turns out to be the leopard who can change his spots - if he's totally reformed it will still be good for you to have more independence.

Oh gosh, OP, I feel absolutely terrible for you. Flowers

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:26

he hasn't cheated for a long time and i can only think of about 2 occasions where he was a bit forceful, didn't stop with oral sex

OP posts:
AsYourMakerICommandYou · 01/10/2015 14:27

Poor you OP SadFlowers
DP having a high sex drive is no excuse for being forceful with the woman who just gave birth to his child!!
Make him have a fucking episiotomy and then see if he feels like having sex!! Angry

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2015 14:28

If you've been together since teens, and are only mid-twenties now, it sounds like neither of you have had many "grown-up" relationships. He is not acting like a good man, he really isn't. You do not have to live the rest of your life this way.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:28

I will start saving up and looking at my options, I don't have a job he works full time and I'm a sahm.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 01/10/2015 14:33

he hasn't cheated for a long time and i can only think of about 2 occasions where he was a bit forceful, didn't stop with oral sex

See, I have been with my now dh since we were 17 and 19.
I cannot think of one single occasion where my dh has cheated or where he has been too forceful or didn't stop during sex

Twinklestein · 01/10/2015 14:36

If you stand your ground and say you won't have sex with him, he will just think he's entitled to sex with other people. You can't win.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/10/2015 14:36

I was 20 when It my DH. Me neither.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:39

it's not so black and white when it actually happens though, in writing it's very clear but when it happens and they say sorry and you brush your teeth go to bed and then next day it's school run everyday things etc it's a bit different.

OP posts:
Galvanised · 01/10/2015 14:40

I've stopped in the middle of having sex, simply because I realised I wasn't in the mood, dh might be a bit disappointed but would never ever get arsey about it. As for wanting to stop because of being in pain? He would be concerned, not angry. Your posts are quite upsetting.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:42

thinking about it there has been a change there because before if he noticed i was uncomfortable or not happy he would stop and be caring it is recently he has either just carried on but finished quickly or got pissed off.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 14:43

We've been together since I was 19, he was 23. I'm 50 next week, no occasions of cheating or forcing here either

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