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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

214 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 12:18

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 16:32

I didn't realise it was that abnormal but i've only had one other proper relationship apart from him and that was when i was 16.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 16:36

I wish they taught this kind of thing in schools, to both boys and girls, so everyone knows it's not normal or acceptable - especially now porn and sexting etc are so commonplace.

summerwinterton · 01/10/2015 16:47

It is sexual abuse. I wonder if he abuses you in other ways. Incidentally, you say he was unfaithful in the past too. Why do you stay with a man who cheated on you? Most women would get rid for that alone.

Please call Women's Aid, do the Freedom Programme and get some counselling as to why you think you deserve so little. You know he is wrong, I suspect you are minimising his behaviour. Nobody should be in a relationship where someone treats them in this way. What would you say if your daughter was being teated in this way?

This is nothing to do with testosterone or you turning him on, this is abuse and I suspect it is rape, or as near as dammit.

FetaComplete · 01/10/2015 16:51

I'm sorry you are having to go through this- I imagine you don't feel relaxed in your own home as you should.ThanksSadAngryDo you have free access to money if you aren't working?

wallywobbles · 01/10/2015 16:51

For info sex after an episiotomy can be uncomfortable for many, many months even when "healed". It sounds like he could do with one himself.

RiceCrispieTreats · 01/10/2015 18:12

Your reaction to his infidelity is saddening: you feel that the onus is on you to put out so he doesn't stray. Where really, the onus should be on him to be the best and kindest and most loving and supportive partner ever, so that you don't leave his cheating ass.

The sex stuff is chilling.

LoisPuddingLane · 01/10/2015 18:32

Not just months - years. My episiotomy scar is so deep that even now, nearly 30 years later, sex can be painful if someone isn't gentle. Your partner should bloody respect this!

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 18:33

Feta i get child benefit and tax credits

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 18:34

I thought it had healed, but i've had a lot of stinging pain and when i look it seems all messed up to me, sex just doesn't feel right either, i feel way looser.. i don't know i just don't think i'll ever enjoy it again sometimes.

The gp wasn't too bothered, he said to come back if it was still causing problems but i don't see the point if there's nothing that can be done.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 01/10/2015 18:48

It took ages for my fanny to feel "normal". They don't tell you this when they are hacking about down there.

JobobeanHo · 01/10/2015 18:55

Hi op, your husband sounds awful. I know everyone else has said that but wanted to join in so you know just how awful he is. A sex life is something to be shared and enjoyed by all parties. It shouldn't be something you get pressured into. That crap he chatted about testosterone is a load of crap, as was the leading him on comment. He sounds so awful it's actually making me angry.

Just to reassure you on another note, I had an episiotomy and tearing during my labour and it took me about a year before I fully starting enjoying sex again. Dd is 14 months now and it's still not completely pain-free (though pain is minimal and doesn't last long.) It was a long time after the birth that I even considered sex again with my dp and he put no pressure on me whatsoever, and that is how it should be.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/10/2015 19:23

I'm 25, OP. I've been with my partner for a long time too.

He doesn't get frustrated. If he gets turned on and I'm not in the mood, he deals with it himself. He doesn't talk about sex all the time, he has never got his penis out and waved it at me asking for anything, he doesn't force oral sex on me, he would absolutely hate to think he'd forced me into anything. It'd destroy him.

Has this started since the cheating? He doesn't sound like he's loving at all. He sounds like he sees you as something he owns and can have sex with as he feels like it.

I'm so sorry. I know this must be a shock, but please understand that this isn't normal. He could probably get help if he asked for it honestly, but they'd likely tell him to move out to prevent further abuse to you during the process.

tillytown · 01/10/2015 19:25

OP I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said, just wanted to give you these Flowers

RomComPhooey · 01/10/2015 19:37

I've been with DH for over 20 years. He's never once tried to coerce me into sex or been rough with me. We rarely talk about sex unless we're feeling frisky and if one of us isn't in the mood, the other immediately backs off. We are often affectionate without it having to lead to anything. I feel so sad that you have to put up with being pawed at and worse. It sounds awful - and totally guaranteed to make you want to avoid him even more.

AyeAmarok · 01/10/2015 20:29
Sad
Churchillian · 01/10/2015 20:32

Sounds horrible OP - no one should feel pressured into sex, or assume that affection = sex. This is definitely not normal and unless your partner backs off and stops pestering you, please consider leaving. How will it be when your DC is older and is listening to your conversations and repeating things and asking questions if most of your conversation is about sex?

On the episiotomy there's plenty that can be done, please go back to your GP and demand a hospital appointment to see a specialist. I had similar problems and had a small operation to have some scar tissue removed and it's made things 100% better in terms of pain. You can get this sorted out, please don't suffer. Still means that you should only have sex if you want to.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 20:51

thank you for sharing your experience of episiotomies, it's helpful as i don't know anyone else who has had one and as you know the info is very minimal after you have one.

Thank you for the support as well, i've outlined that i want a break and the behaviour that's wrong and i want to stop. He has been very understanding and said it will stop and it's fine but time will tell if he will change.

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 01/10/2015 20:56

My episiotomy took just over 5 months to heal enough for sex. In that time we started foreplay a couple of times, and stopped as soon as I winced. So we just had a cuddle instead.

You've already been told over again what his behavior is, but don't assume you will never enjoy sex again. All it needs is time to heal and someone who will make the effort to consider you

rageagainsttheBIL · 01/10/2015 21:14

Your reaction and even possibly pain could be psychological. If you are not ready and relaxed for sex (and frankly who would be with the partner you describe) it can be painful.

My episiotomy healed beautifully but I was scared of sex hurting afterward as it felt so different and I'd had a giant cut in my bits, and as a result I think I tensed up in anticipation and it was a self fulfilling prophecy.

My DH was understanding and patient, as he should have been, and thinks while they still feel slightly different are fine now. It took around 7 months after birth to get to that stage where I felt truly at ease.

Unfortunately I can't see you feeling that way any time soon with a man like that, you deserve better.

rageagainsttheBIL · 01/10/2015 21:15

Things not thinks!

MatrixReloaded · 01/10/2015 22:36

Op he sounds utterly foul. Forever talking about sex and getting his knob out constantly ? It's not normal. It's not even a little bit normal.

summerwinterton · 01/10/2015 23:35

how many times has he been unfaithful - did he blame that on you too?

HoggleHoggle · 02/10/2015 09:12

Hope you're ok this morning OP

magiccatlitter · 02/10/2015 09:45

He sounds horrible. No it's not normal for him to pester you like this. He should go to the GP and see if there is some tablet he can take to lower his sex drive.

As terrible and abusive as he's being, a trip to the vet for a snip would have him sorted.

NameChange30 · 02/10/2015 10:27

Ha ha ha if only all abusive fuckers could be fixed with a tablet Grin