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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

214 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 12:18

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:43

i think it is getting a lot worse and heading down a dangerous path i'm definately going to talk to him

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 01/10/2015 14:44

it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me

As others have said this is not normal it really, really isn't. Any doctor or psychiatrist would be very concerned indeed to hear this. It indicates poor impulse control and an unhealthy obsession with sex.

You've indicated you've been abused in the past, and perhaps you've never had a relationship with a man who isn't abusive, but just let me say again, op - that is NOT normal.

2 forceful occasion is two too many. My dh has never, ever forced, coerced, nagged or sulked me into sex. Never. Not once.

You do not have to live like this. He needs to take action on his behaviour and in my opinion, seek professional help on this. This kind of behaviour tends to escalate.

Good luck, op.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 01/10/2015 14:45

So, if you are uncomfortable and he knows this he just carries on quickly?

I know you don't want to hear this but it's sexual assault.

How can any decent person know their partner isn't in the mood or uncomfortable or hurt but still carry on?

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:46

because he gets so frustrated Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:46

if he has to stop

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 01/10/2015 14:47

You have talked to him before haven't you?
Why do you think he's going to listen?
He took off your clothes and tried to perform oral sex on you KNOWING you didn't want it.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 01/10/2015 14:48

Ok, he gets frustrated. So he says.

But what about your feelings? What about the fact you said no? What about the fact your in pain?

When that happens he shouldn't WANT to carry on.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:50

i know Sad

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/10/2015 14:53

I realise the replies must be difficult to read, OP. You might not feel ready to accept that it's sexual abuse, and that's ok. But I hope you will take some time to think about what we've said and consider following the advice.

I do think counselling would be a good idea. Even if the waiting list is long, there is no harm in asking your GP to refer you. There are other ways to access counselling as well - for example there are local IAPT services that take self-referrals (ie you contact them yourself and don't have to go through your GP). You could also call Rape Crisis as they often provide counselling for survivors of sexual abuse, and if they don't provide it in your area they should be able to recommend a few options.

LoisPuddingLane · 01/10/2015 14:54

In a normal situation, if one person wanted to stop, and the other person was "frustrated" by this, the frustrated person would finish him/herself off, maybe with a bit of help. They would not just carry on banging away.

Skiptonlass · 01/10/2015 14:56

"Because he gets so frustrated"

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's a shit excuse. It's back to this 'oh it's my testosterone' 'men need sex' shit. It is him saying he can't help it, has no control over it, must have it, it's not his fault.

And it's bollovks op, because normal people can control their urges. presumably he doesn't mount random females at work/on the bus does he? No, because he can control his urges - he just doesn't with you.

Everyone gets frustrated at times - the normal adult response is to take yourself off to the bathroom for a Wank if your partner isn't up for it.

Sex is great IF you have mutual, enthusiastic consent. If one partner says 'I want to stop' halfway through then the ONLY thing to do is stop. If you're saying stop and he's not stopping, then that's rape.

Men like this are terrifying. You do not have to live like this.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/10/2015 15:08

What do you think happens to normal men who don't have partners? Do their knobs drop off in frustration? Do they start rubbing their penises against random women in the street who look nice? No thy do not because they are not entitled to sex so they masturbate and if that isn't working they go to the GP, take up running or some other strategy. He's harassing you because you're there and he feels entitled to your body.
I can't see how you have a good relationship if 80% of the time he's wanging on at you about sex and you're running all over the house to avoid him. How is that possibly a good relationship?

If you had money would you leave him?

If you could magic yourself 6 months into the future so all the hard shit was over would you leave him?

Floggingmolly · 01/10/2015 15:12

Sex dominates 80% of his conversations with me. Hmm. He sees you as a piece of meat; and hasn't even enough simple respect for you to attempt to hide the fact.

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2015 15:22

I know you've said that you can't afford to move out. Would you like to if you could afford it?

NameChange30 · 01/10/2015 15:29

OP I wish I could drive to your house, collect you and your DC, and let you live with me while you sort yourself out. I can't though. But Women's Aid and Refuge exist for women like you. They can help you escape. Please call the helpline one day. I hope that day is today, but if it can't be today, please let it be one day soon.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 15:45

if i had the financial back up and support then i would seriously consider it or at least have some time apart.

I am taking on board what you're all saying I promise you, it's just come as a shock. I will talk to him when he's back and lay out what's happening.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/10/2015 15:57

Please be prepared for him to deny, minimise and blame you.

redredblue · 01/10/2015 15:58

He sounds horrible, nasty, and sexist. He doesn't care about you, respect you, or find you interesting enough to have normal conversations with you. That's not your fault, it's his attitude.
You should end it.

LoisPuddingLane · 01/10/2015 15:59

Definitely blame. Because testosterone. Science.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/10/2015 16:00

Please be careful OP. Yes. This needs to be addressed. But he has proved he has a nasty temper.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 16:03

Im pretty sure he will be really nice and caring about it really, initially, the real test will come after a few hours/a day and so on

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 01/10/2015 16:04

I'm pretty sure he'll be a knob.

RiceCrispieTreats · 01/10/2015 16:05

Just read this whole thread, and your situation makes me very sad, Cake.

I hope you find the support you need. Women's Aid are a good first port of call to find out what's out there.

Wolfiefan · 01/10/2015 16:14

I'm sorry but any talk of force in relation to sex is a huge red flag to me.
He blames you for all the behaviour you find unacceptable.

He demands sex and blow jobs?
Your episiotomy scar is the least of your worries.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 01/10/2015 16:26

Leave him, he is a fucking creep. A cheat. A selfish twat. He talks about sex 80% of the time. Gropes you everytime he's near you.

Sounds like he's a nymphomaniac and should go see his gp.