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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

214 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 12:18

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure Sad

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 02/10/2015 10:52

OP he sounds like a horrible man. Episiotomies can take a while to heal to the point everything goes back to normal, mine did, but everything is normal now. However, during that time your DH should be patient and understanding. It is not normal for a man to get angry if his partner says no to sex. It is certainly not normal for him to try to force himself on you if you're hesitant. He's a sex pest.

As for the infidelities, you're being held hostage to the fear he'll do it again. You said it's been over a year since his last one. It sounds like he has a habit of cheating on you, then blaming it all on you (going through a rough patch). The reason he cheats is because he wants to. That's unlikely to change, whether you put out regularly or not.

I'm sorry to say this, but your boundaries seem very confused, in that you believed all this to be normal behaviour. What were the relationships like around you growing up? What would you say to a friend who was going through this?

BastardGoDarkly · 02/10/2015 10:58

Oh love, telling you to get in the corner, when you'd made it clear you didn't want sex, is beyond disgusting.

On top of that, he has the knowledge that you've suffered sexual abuse in the past!?

I'm appalled at him, I hope he changes drastically, but I'm not hopeful Flowers

summerwinterton · 02/10/2015 11:14

Ha - anti abusers tablet - yep they are available on the NHS. Work a treat....

Elendon · 02/10/2015 11:33

You are with an immature man, who will probably never grow up. He is sexually abusing you, making you feel uncomfortable and disregarding your feelings. Talking constantly about sex is emotional abuse too.

I have to tell you, it may well get better, you'll be relieved, but he will relapse (and always blame you for it).

I'm sure your scar will heal, given time without having to have sex, and you will, I know this, have sex again with a kind and loving man.

I know you are feeling very vulnerable now, both physically and mentally, especially with two little ones to take care of, and your past abuse issues. On top of this your sex pest of a partner.

I'm guessing you are in your twenties? You have your whole life ahead of you. You can live a good life without him. Contact women's aid and ask them for advice on how to get benefits; child tax credits, housing benefits, child support (which is not seen as a taxable deduction, because the tax has been already made, so it doesn't effect child tax credits). This money will free you from what is obviously an abusive relationship on all levels. Go back to your GP and spill all the beans - it will help to perhaps get you legal aid for divorce.

Good luck x

ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/10/2015 12:24

Oh this is difficult. I had an epesiotomy and I was fully healed by 6 weeks. But, I really didn't want a lot of sex, because I was a busy Mum and sooo very very tired. ATM, you have sex drives which are poles apart. This never goes well. Yours has probably dipped, due to tiredness and feeling tender down below. His has remained very high. And his was most likely a lot higher than yours, before you had kids. A woman reaches her sexual peak in her 30's & 40's, whereas men are much younger. Goodness knows why Mother Nature designed it this way. I get the impression that you don't want to leave him or you can't afford to. In any case, you're going to have to tell him that full sex is off limits until you are fully healed. The next question is whether you feel you can (or even want to) pleasure him another way, to keep him satisfied. But I'm guessing he'd need that every day!! Which is too much for a young & tired Mum. And his actions so far, have turned you right off, so you probably won't want to anyway. I also feel quite irritated if my DH turns me down for nooky. I would tell him I was frustrated tho, I certainly wouldn't rip his trousers off. No-one likes to be frustrated obviously. Maybe he should rely on Porn for a while. A male friend of mine wasn't getting any sex at home, and he used to talk about sex ALL the time. It was in every joke and there were loads of sexual undertones. It made everyone very uncomfortable. He is now in a diff relationship and gets regular sex and guess what, he never talks about it anymore. Something has to change, as this situation can't carry on as it is.

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2015 14:39

you have sex drives which are poles apart

This is nothing to do with sex drives. This is to do with a man who is obsessed with sex (80% of his conversation), who gets his willy out when he wants it, can't cuddle without needing to fuck, who removes his wife's clothes and gives her unwanted oral sex, and who orders her into the corner for some sexual activity (which I haven't quite worked out and don't want to). He's disrespectful, unloving and coarse. Having a higher sex drive is not part of this. If it were simply that he could have a wank or two.

thehypocritesoaf · 02/10/2015 14:45

Well said, Lois.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 02/10/2015 15:35

Lois, I couldn't agree more

JobobeanHo · 02/10/2015 16:26

Completey agree Lois This has nothing to do with sex drives or being a busy mum. The answer is not for him to rely on porn for a while. Hmm

LucyBabs · 02/10/2015 16:35

pleasure him another way This made me feel sick. No he's abusive sexually to the op
He doesn't need pleasuring..he needs kicking out..

FantasticButtocks · 02/10/2015 16:37

Please go and get some counselling for the historic abuse. Perhaps it helped form your ideas about what is normal/acceptable.

The intention and challenge to make you 'enjoy' it when you don't want to is just SO abusive. Because it says 'even though she didn't want it, I big man that I am have made her enjoy it so she must see how right I was to carry on against her wishes.' Disgusting. It makes you doubt your own feelings.

With help, you will come to see how wrong this is. And when you do, you'll be able to do something about it.

OddlyLogical · 02/10/2015 16:47

There is nothing normal about your sexual relationship with this man.
He is lying when he says that all men would get angry if they didn't get sex.
Compromise does not mean giving in to keep the other person happy!
His approach is pushy and sex is all about him taking what he wants - you are irrelevant. There is nothing sexy about that.

I had problems with sex after giving birth. DH could not have been more patient and caring. I wouldn't even have to tell him to stop because he was constantly looking for any signs of discomfort and he would automatically stop with absolutely no pressure on me at all.

We've had periods of time with no sex and he never once pestered me.
We can have affection without any pressure to go any further.

It is not your responsibility if he gets turned on - you are under no obligation to do anything about it.

When you tell him you want a break from sex, that's going to mean that you get no affection isn't it. Don't let him blame you for his reactions.

CainInThePunting · 02/10/2015 17:11

He sounds like he is not being very considerate behaving like a fucking terrorist. Angry

You should definitely go back to your GP, there are things they can do to help you.

Baconyum · 02/10/2015 17:21

Horrified reading your posts OP.

I too am a survivor of childhood abuse. None of my sexual partners as an adult have behaved like this. Even sbxh who really could be an arse wouldn't. We didn't have sex for over a year due to a high risk pregnancy, c-section and vaginal trauma. His only concern at that time was supporting me and our dd.

I have endo and can experience pain during sex. I've been single for some time but indulge in casual sex when I wish and currently have a fwb. So we only meet for sex. And yet STILL if I am not feeling it or have pain he stops immediately and is happy to talk/cuddle and we're not even in a relationship!!

I left sbhx due to his cheating (and it wasn't cos he wasn't getting any) I was also a sahm with no income beyond child benefit and tax credits. I found a ha house they generally don't require the deposit and month's rent up front or at least didn't then, I got income support, child benefit, tax credits (you'd get more as a single mum I think), housing benefit, council tax benefit, child maintenance (though admittedly cms can be crap)...my point is you are not trapped financially, women's aid/gingerbread/welfare rights etc could help you get all this sorted.

I'm afraid like others it is sexual abuse plus emotional and possibly financial abuse. I suspect he's already raped you more than once you simply haven't recognised it as such.

Please get support and get this dick out of your life Flowers

LoisPuddingLane · 02/10/2015 18:12

I've also had a fwb who would stop if I was in pain and we'd just cuddle amiably until more sex. That's how it should be surely.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 02/10/2015 19:09

thank you for all your replies i'm still a bit bewildered and working through it but i am taking it on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 02/10/2015 20:37

There's been a bit of a development actually.. dp is still being fine sex wise except he is very stressed and short tempered today.

But earlier i had an answerphone message asking to call them back as soon as possible, and i realised one had been left yesterday too. When I went to the gp the other day to check down there he took a swab, he said it could be early thrush. But i def. don't have thrush i have no itching or discharge Confused so what does it mean? I tried ringing back all afternoon but they wouldn't answer phone (rubbish gps) if it's an std it'll be from him.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/10/2015 20:41

Hmm yes if you have an STD it certainly would be from him. Is your GP surgery open on a Saturday morning? If so you could call first thing - or if you can't get through just go in and insist on seeing someone even if it's a nurse for 5 minutes.

It's understandable that you're worried but try not to stress too much, it's probably nothing serious. Hang on in there until you can find out why they called you.

Flowers
RomComPhooey · 02/10/2015 20:42

Thrush can be caused by all sorts of things though - any imbalance in the yeast and bacterial flora in your vagina. Antibiotics can set if off, for example.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 02/10/2015 20:46

i have absolutely no symptoms of thrush though

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 02/10/2015 20:46

yes they're open i'll call first thing!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 02/10/2015 20:49

Great, good luck!

CainInThePunting · 02/10/2015 21:26

The 'short temper' from your personal terrorist is emotional abuse. Yes, he is being oh so calm and taking into account your needs but he is making it perfectly clear that you are not meeting his demands needs.
He is nothing short of a bastard.

TheImminentGin · 02/10/2015 21:39

For help with the flora of the area I would recommend Biofem Actigel. I had problems with my 7yr old episiotomy scar when I started a new sexual relationship and it helped a lot.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 02/10/2015 22:06

Re your health, I wouldn't panic yet. I got a scary call back for what turned out to be thrush with no symptoms after a smear.

Stressed and short tempered is cuntish though.