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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

214 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 12:18

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure Sad

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 01/10/2015 13:35

my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

WTF re the corner thing? He sounds hideous, OP, I'm sorry. None of this is normal at all.

And he's been repeatedly unfaithful? Because you didn't have sex with him? What a prince. Hmm

And he carries on with getting his penis out and flapping it around, even though you've told him it does nothing for you?

I'd seriously be considering my options. Do you think he can change? Has he even considered that you're healing from an episiotomy??

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:36

This tells me that he persists even after you've said no. That is non-consensual sex. You may have let him continue but I suspect that's because you felt pressured and that you had to give in

He's done that for oral sex on me, because i really don't like it, but sometimes i give in for him, i thought compromise was normal in sex, the same way as oral for him.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 13:36

I would leave

NameChange30 · 01/10/2015 13:37

Well, your relationship wasn't healthy to start with. He has been pressuring you for sex for so long that you now think it's normal.
But, let's imagine for a minute that everything was fine and this was a one-off, I would insist on relationship counselling with a very good therapist. (Relate can be good if you get a good counsellor.)
But couple's therapy is not recommended in cases of abuse, which this is.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:37

well my current plan was to have a break from sex, and if he came near me to say no and make it very very clear. As it is every time he gets his penis out i deliberately turn away and pay no attention so he knows it doesn't work.

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:39

i think he can change because he's not normally this bad, this has been really bad since about 6 weeks after labour. He does consider i'm healing when i remind him.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 13:41

Well then good luck, I hope it works out and you're not back here in another 6/12 months

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:41

but the gp did say i should be healed now Confused

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/10/2015 13:42

"He's done that for oral sex on me, because i really don't like it, but sometimes i give in for him, i thought compromise was normal in sex, the same way as oral for him."

No, that's not compromise, that's him doing what he wants even though you don't like it. Giving oral sex is about giving the other person pleasure - but if receiving oral sex doesn't give you pleasure, why do it? I suspect he'd say because it gives him pleasure. Because that's the only thing that's important to him. Sad

It's not compromise. It's abuse.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:42

I'm sure he wouldn't rape me, he's seen what it did to me last yr when i had to do a police report on a historic sexual abuse.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 13:44

He had sexually abused you though

Did you get any counselling after the previous abuse? I'm concerned your boundaries are skewed if you've previously been abused, and that's why you don't see what he's doing now

gatewalker · 01/10/2015 13:45

If the problem came out of nowhere, then it already existed, OP, and I would be asking my partner to get help.

In the context of a normal relationship, however, my partner's erection pressing against me would never be a problem. It would simply be that: an erection, with no need to act on it. That's something that can't be controlled as easily. Acting on it is an entirely different matter.

Your partner is abusive, of that I have little doubt. I think your responses in the context of a healthy, consensual sexual relationship would be different: erections would pose no issue, and all you would need to do is say "No, thanks" instead of pushing him away or rolling over.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:46

No I didn't get counselling because it's so hard to get a gp appointment and then a long, long wait. I'm sorry to let you down costa but i don't see how i can just leave.

OP posts:
Garrick · 01/10/2015 13:46

Oh, Cake, poor you. You're living with a sexual terrorist! He sounds ghastly. I'm not surprised you can't tell what's normal or reasonable any more :(

Does it shock you to hear I was horrified at "sex probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me"?

I don't think your relationship can be a good one in any meaningful sense. It basically boils down to you being his sex service, and a bullied one at that. I married some awful men who raped me, but yours is worse. I'm sorry.

Can you envisage ending this relationship?

Judydreamsofhorses · 01/10/2015 13:48

I just clicked on this thread because it was active, and I feel so sorry for you, OP. If my partner behaved like this I would be out of the door quick-smart. I have a disgusting cold at the moment and couldn't feel less sexy - my DP got an erection when we were cuddling in bed last night, and we had a laugh about how hot he finds me despite the fact that I'm about 95% snot just now. That was it, and we went to sleep shortly after (or he did, I coughed and spluttered for the rest of the night).

The idea that a man has to be sexually satisfied because he gets aroused, or else, is really worrying, and to be honest it sounds as much about control as it is about sex. I totally agree about compromise being normal, but to me that's about giving it a go and seeing what happens even if I'm a bit knackered, knowing that I could say (or my partner could) no, it's not happening, let's leave it, at any point.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2015 13:48

Bear in mind that this isn't about him 'wanting sex'. It's not sex (in terms of mutual erotic pleasure) that he's interested in. What he likes is abusing you. His behaviour is about power and control: he is training you to obey and fear him and accept that he is your owner rather than your partner.
And yes, he is escalating towards rape. There is no 'relationship' here to save, so ringing Women's Aid and getting their support to rid yourself of him is the best way forward for you and your DC.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 13:48

He has, not had

CheersMedea · 01/10/2015 13:48

He explained that night that because of testosterone it makes him angry and any man would be angry if they were led on and then all that energy had nowhere to go and that's why he had to leave the room for 10 minutes to calm down.

You what?

I'm sorry but this sounds something that a 16 year old boy would say trying to pressurise his first gf to have sex with him. It's not really what you'd expect from a married father of two dealing with the mother of his children!

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/10/2015 13:49

He's abusive OP.

No nice man gets angry if a woman isn't in the mood.

No nice man thinks that the way to persuade a woman who's giving no indication of being in the mood is to say "get in the corner"

No nice man persists in wanting to give oral sex he knows you don't enjoy.

No nice man 'gets his penis out' when turned down.

He's horrid.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 01/10/2015 13:49

I don't want to upset you op, but rape is not just being held down and forced.

It is a man not stopping because he's sure you'll start enjoying it soon
It is giving someone sex because if you don't they won't stop pushing you for
It includes unwanted oral sex
It is ordering you into a position you don't want to be in
Sexual abuse includes being angry when you say no, so you will question yourself next time. You may decide sex is easier than the row. Putting his penis in your face is abusive. The fact that you are now worrying about him not getting enough, rather than protecting yourself, shows that he has pushed your boundaries.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2015 13:51

So you have previously experienced sexual abuse? I'm afraid this is a big part of the reason this disgusting man entered a relationship with you - abusive men have a radar for vulnerable women who they can crush and overpower.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 13:51

You're not letting me down, but I think it's sad that you feel you don't deserve any better

Look at all the replies on this thread, no-one, absolutely no-one has said, yes this is fine, totally normal. We are all shocked, and telling you it's abuse and you should seriously consider leaving - can we all be wrong?

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:52

Confused i'm a bit shocked..

OP posts:
Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:53

I was envisaging a chat about if anyone else had sex problems after an episiotomy and had worries, i know the other night was really wrong but it was a one of Confused

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 13:54

But it's not a one-off