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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm becoming anxious about sex with DP

214 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 12:18

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some help or advice if anyone has similar experiences.

I've been with dp for coming up 7 yrs, not without our issues over that time. I had our 2nd child 5 months ago and this is where some problems have begun in our relationship.

I had an episiotomy so the healing was a rough ride, my DP has always had an extremely high sex drive. By this I mean it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me, more than half the time he comes near me he touches me, and he is extremely forward.

Basically since I healed being intimate has not felt the same for me at all, and it's developed into anxiety which is compounded by his attitudes. This came to a head recently when we spent an evening together, I had made an effort with appearance so he took it as a given we would be intimate. He came on to me very strong out of nowhere and I had to use force to push his hand away, then he was extremely persistant in doing another act by which time i was totally turned off. But I froze up a bit because i get too worried to say something. He then ordered me to move, and when i said why he got angry and had to go for a cigarette.

It's incidents like this that get me anxiuos and our relationship is being affected. The way I feel now I'd be happy to have a long break from sex. But I can't even cuddle him, if i want to go near him or touch him I have to seriously consider if i would be up for intimacy because he gets over-excited.

He's being all calm and it's fine about it for the time being, but due to past infidelities I'm getting really worried and feeling under a lot of pressure Sad

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/10/2015 13:57

It wasn't a one off though.

He's been unfaithful multiple times.

You can't cuddle because he's paw you.

You put up with oral sex you dont' want.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 13:59

how about this, when he gets back from work i will tell him i want a break from sex of at least a week in which time i don't want him acting the way he has been. If/when i want it again i will initiate it not the other way around.

OP posts:
gatewalker · 01/10/2015 14:01

It's a start, Cake. His response will be telling - as will his follow-through.

Would you keep us updated?

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:02

yes of course thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 14:03

Yes, his response may well tell you all you need to know

InimitableJeeves · 01/10/2015 14:03

Other issues apart, I'm quite shocked that sex dominates his conversation 80% of the time. That's not having a high sex drive, it's obsessive. He should maybe consider getting medical help.

And it must be intensely boring if he has virtually no other topic of conversation.

CheersMedea · 01/10/2015 14:04

Yes I thought that too InimitableJeeves. 80%. That is a lot of sex talk. It is obsessional.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 14:05

And make sure he understands that a break from sex means a total break, no pawing, no pleading, no willy waving - and that if you want a hug in that time, it's just a hug and not an opportunity for him to chance his arm. Do you think he will be able to do it?

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:06

We discuss our days.. the kids, what we're doing in the evening, other than that it's generally about what he wants sex wise, and i just ignore him or walk away.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 14:07
Shock

What my husband wants sex wise isn't something we talk about 80% of the time

Twinklestein · 01/10/2015 14:07

OP, you're in a sexually abusive relationship, under threat of infidelity if you don't submit, and you're asking us if it's ok to take a week's break from sex? It's so, so sad.

The likelihood of respecting your wishes when you don't initiate it thereafter is very small.

I think you need to consider how you got to a place where you think that a relationship where your DP talks about sex 80% of the time, has no boundaries, no respect for you or your body, pressurises you into sex under unspoken threat of infidelity, is even remotely normal or acceptable.
Let alone something you'd want to stay in.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/10/2015 14:08

That sounds awful.

DH and I rarely talk about sex. I mean we have sex, and we might talk about it as part of foreplay. But just random talking about it all the time. How off putting!

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2015 14:08

How about you tell him that you want a compete break from sex until he has been to see the GP and asked for referral to treat his sex addiction?

I had an episiotomy. It took me quite some time to enjoy sex again. But I am not married to an arse.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:09

Do you think he will be able to do it?

If I'm really clear that I'm serious, and I say no and don't turn him on then yes.

Before he's seen it as a sort of game to get me to give in but i think he will leave me alone if he understands the problem.

OP posts:
thehypocritesoaf · 01/10/2015 14:09

This is terrible to read. Sad

What a way to live.

Twinklestein · 01/10/2015 14:10

I agree with Jeeves, this is not about a high sex drive, this man has a major problem with sex, he's obsessed to a point of unbalance and abuse.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 01/10/2015 14:10

If you don't turn him on?!

Do you see that he's made you believe this is your own fault?

happyending14 · 01/10/2015 14:10

I am shocked about the 80% too. So he spends much of the evening talking about 'what he wants sex-wise.' No that is not normal.

I teach teenage boys (sex ed as it happens) and even in that context that is extreme.

How have you put up with him for so long?

thehypocritesoaf · 01/10/2015 14:11

it probably dominates 80% of his conversations with me

This is staggering, absolutely staggering, and this is without the rest of the shit you are enduring.

Costacoffeeplease · 01/10/2015 14:11

and don't turn him on

How are you going to do that?

Straight away you're thinking it's your fault for turning him on - you've got to stop that now

NoSquirrels · 01/10/2015 14:11

If I'm really clear that I'm serious, and I say no and don't turn him on then yes.

None of this is your fault. To read that you feel responsible that you might accidentally "turn him on" by having a cuddle is really pretty fucking awful.

It's not your fault. Your partner has the problem, he is at fault, he needs to seek help.

Twinklestein · 01/10/2015 14:13

Before he's seen it as a sort of game to get me to give in but i think he will leave me alone if he understands the problem.

He doesn't understand you've just had a baby, he doesn't understand the principle of consent, he doesn't understand woman's right to bodily integrity, he doesn't understand the difference between normal and abusive sex. And most of all he simply doesn't care about all of the above.

Why do you think he would understand 'the problem' now?

The problem is that he's abusive.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 01/10/2015 14:14

I was doing ok with the healing, except for i don't feel the same, but then i think he hurt me down there, as it was after that i've had these problems again. I told him and he said we won't have sex until you've healed then but make sure you have before we do.

But what would any of you do if you had pain during sex suddenly, do you just stop your partner? and how do they react? i was upset with him as well recently when i turned off during sex because i got worried, and he realised I didn't want to carry on. He went downstairs and i thought he was relieving himself or something until i went down there and he's watching tv, i asked him why and he said i should consider how it makes him feel for his gf to do that during sex it makes him think it's his fault. And i got pretty angry i just told him i had no sympathy for him and went to bed.

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 01/10/2015 14:16

I'm a practical person so I'm going to suggest;
Your physical issues - it's no good your GP telling you that 'you should have healed by now'. If it hurts, and you haven't - insist on an appointment with a specialist.
Your mental issues - you need to get some counselling to help with the past abuse you have experienced.
His behaviour - is not acceptable. You need to reiterate your boundaries, and he needs to listen. Sex is on mutual terms, not just his.
Your behaviour - send clear messages and tell him what the problem is - pain, feeling pressured, being tired etc.

Good luck.

Twinklestein · 01/10/2015 14:16

If I had pain during sex I'd ask my partner to stop and he would. And vice versa.