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Original poster

ditched by my online date

202 replies

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:38

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/09/2015 22:32

Any normal man would definitely want to repeat that experience

That's a very silly and sexist comment. Men need chemistry as much as women do and to assume that any 'normal' man wants sex under any circumstances is offensive.

Op, I'd guess he's just a dick who didn't really want a relationship but equally it could be a lack of chemistry during sex. Nothing to take personally. His method of ending it makes him a dick whatever his motivation is.

Starkswillriseagain · 28/09/2015 22:33

It's an ego boost. They like to feel like they are a ladies man and enjoy proving it with the chase. Once the chase s finished they need to keep proving and getting a boost and so move on.

Whatsforsupper · 28/09/2015 22:34

Em, Just you're contradicting yourself,again.

Up thread you said, we are seeing shifts in how we date, suggesting this is something new. You then said, Id like to ask him why.

You very last post you say you did the very same thing. So, If you've done same yourself, surely you could answer the question.

I honestly can't get my head around your posts I thought it was maybe a generational thing. Now, I'm not so sure.

SealSong · 28/09/2015 22:38

I think a lot of people that are on OLD are actually not ready for a relationship, maybe they are fresh out of a break up or not over issues with previous relationships and carry a lot of baggage. It's all too easy to sign up to OLD as a knee jerk reaction to a break up.
Then they start having a few dates with someone, get intimate or close, panic, and run away.
It could have been something like that with your date, OP. In other words, it could be about his baggage, not you.

MrsSadness · 28/09/2015 22:43

OP please, please, please don't think this is about you. Flowers

You are fine and did nothing wrong, he is the one with the issues.
He lacks the emotional intelligence to progress beyond pursuing you for sex and then nothing more. He is a total cunt.
He probably only had about 8 dates worth of conversation in him. I think you've had an incredibly lucky escape. I highly doubt (in fact I'd stake my life on it) that it was anything you did sexually (I'm sure he came didn't he? TMI I know but sure sign all was tickety-boo), anything you said, anything you wore etc that put him off. He was always going to do this because he is a cunt.
Luckily he is not all men. There honestly ARE good ones out there.
Don't ask him WTF. He will expect that. Don't contact him again.

Please don't let this shitty experience put you off getting out there into the world and meeting someone else. You weren't sure about this one anyway.
(In case you didn't catch it in my post, I will say it again for you, for any wavering doubt: this man is a cunt. You are worth so much more than him)
X

Blossomflowers · 28/09/2015 22:44

Sometimes people do not connect sexually, but very shitty of him not to maybe say that if that is the case. Does not mean anything wrong with you OP just dynamics. ??

Justaboy · 28/09/2015 22:45

Whatsforsupper Soz don't loose any sleep over it this PC keeps jumping around so it misses one thread its also been PITA to log on and send posts sometimes.

generational maybe but not quite senile yet;).

To explain. It seemed to me like he wanted a long term relationship and from the OP's post this is what it all looked like. When they had DTD then he's off like a shot. Unless the OP has made that look that way?.

When i was at the ONS trip albeit a while ago now the idea was to get into her pants as soon as possible get what you wanted and do so with as little effort as possible. Excuse the terminology please!. These seem like two different things.

Blossomflowers · 28/09/2015 23:01

Blimey MrsS a bit strong. I have been doing OLD for a while, sometimes you have sex after dating and it just is not right, Would be horrible for me to say to the man you are not what I want in bed, so let them down gently.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justaboy · 28/09/2015 23:25

brokenhearted55a Well it did cross my mind but sometimes nay most all of the time it takes a while to find out what makes her tick, what floats her boat its sometimes not quite that simple;!. There was a thread on her the other day a poster bemoaned her new bloke for not doing oral, he it seemed was oblivious to her needs;!`. Mind you its pretty shallow to expect the sex to go just so first time around !.

Whatsforsupper · 28/09/2015 23:37

Forget the sex for a minute! This is about basic human decency.

Prior to the sex they had dated 8 times with I presume contact on a regular basis, they built up too sex.

The next day, he said, I am no longer available and gave no other reply.

He dumped her via text. He did not let her down gently. There is nothing to be gained by asking for an explanation.

AnyoneButAndre · 28/09/2015 23:42

Can I point you in the direction of the "most trivial reasons you have ended a relationship" thread. Sometimes an entirely innocuous thing can be a personal dealbreaker. That said, "busy for the foreseeable future" is an arsey way to dump someone.

sliceofsoup · 28/09/2015 23:52

I haven't rtft so this might have been mentioned.

When I was OLD a few years ago it really was an eye opener. There are some absolute creeps out there. But the impression I was getting towards the end was that they were addicted to the initial stages, the hope and the initial flirting. Once it passed that and was at the stage where it could become something meaningful they were away and on to the next one. There was always that wonder if there was something better just around the corner.

Justaboy · 29/09/2015 00:01

sliceofsoup I reckon that's a good theory that. Perhaps its just the time's we live in some would blame it on Margaret Thatcher;!.

Seriously is this an effect of on-line dating you've never had access to so many women its like kids in the candy shop?.

An odd observation. After my dad died i found out that one of our relatives had done the family tree least on my dad's mums side. Seemed back in 1700 or thereabouts that generations were mating up with the girl/boy in just the next village, no further.

Roll that on to the mid 1850's and then the coming of the railways made peoples options wider different towns apart sometimes, and even more so as time went on. Now its a click away and possibly worldwide?.

May not be the reason but?.

antimatter · 29/09/2015 00:09

I have my own theory why people behave the way this guy did

1/ Some are just interested in the chase. Once that thrill is over - they walk away.

2/ Another reason - you aren't PERFECT! They want only the best and the partner must be 100% ticking all of their boxes

3/ Scared of commitment because they haven't worked through issues from the past yet very lonely

Each of those is the reason you also don't want to be with them so is a lucky escape for you that you didn't invest more time in them.

Kingie1 · 29/09/2015 02:05

It's possible that two people aren't compatible in the bedroom. He should be
Honest with you. And not leave you hanging

Inexperiencedchick · 29/09/2015 03:16

Someone few years ago actually told me OLD is not the place to look for someone serious.
It might be just his idea or experience but I guess a lot of them think that way... OLD is a sex supply.
There are many who found their other halves on OLD but there are too many idiots out there as well.
You can't change the person, that is who he is.
I'm on OLD at the moment but I don't think i will actually find someone from there.

If you can, just let it go. Maybe don't date for a while.

I'm sorry he made you feel this way. Stay strong.

ToastedOrFresh · 29/09/2015 04:43

That's a very silly and sexist comment

Really ?

Men need chemistry as much as women do and to assume that any 'normal' man wants sex under any circumstances is offensive

Nope. 'Any goal is a hole'

OK, men need chemistry. I agree. Men need foreplay. I agree.

However, some men want nothing more than a 'cock socket'.

OP, sorry the silly bastard did this to you.

GreenRug · 29/09/2015 06:30

Op, seriously, do not contact him! You're fragile enough right now without putting yourself through a bloody review of your personality/ability in bed/whatever he answers with!!!!

Consider the fact that he is quite unlikely to answer your message, how much worse would you feel? Don't give him the chance to do that.

Lastly 3 words. Lucky fucking escape.

Flowers
lighteningirl · 29/09/2015 06:39

it's nothing to do with the sex. He doesnt want a relationship (defined by him as seeing a woman again once he's had sex with her). Sadly you got caught by a vile man who has learnt that the internet is full of women looking for relationships who will have sex with him. If you'd had sex on the first date you'd prob have been offered fuck buddy status. By making him wait and work for it he got an even bigger kick out of it please please please don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that you are upset. I'm betting he was way beneath you, you probably wouldn't have gone home with him after a club or pub night out he got very very lucky and its not about your ability in bed it's about him being an insecure little prick who doesnt like women.

MrsSadness · 29/09/2015 06:45

Blossom I don't think my words come over as a bit strong. This guy had 8 full dates to decide whether they were incompatible. He went out of his way to put on the full works, dinner, flowers, candles etc on their last date. Then dumps her unceremoniously with some trite comment after blanking her.
People are suggesting it might be HER that's the problem i.e. crap in bed.
It isn't her. She didn't do anything wrong.
8 dates is more than enough to decide whether you want to see someone again. And first night sex is rarely amazing, it takes time and experience together. Everyone knows that! She did nothing wrong. He lead her on and then dumped her unceremoniously and coldly. How would you describe someone who did that, as calculatedly as he did?

MrsSadness · 29/09/2015 06:46

Thank you Lighteningirl Flowers
You have it spot on.

niceupthedance · 29/09/2015 07:33

Sorry this happened to you.

It has happened to me with every internet date I have had sex with. One of them (who I had disclosed this to) even said "it's not you", so please believe it is nothing to do with your body etc. that will really do your head in.

I wouldn't ASK him anything, but I would tell him he's a disrespectful prick.

Where are all these decent men people speak of? All I have to say about that is "LOL".

Merguez · 29/09/2015 07:46

Op I would suggest that you don't contact him because he probably won't tell the truth anyway.

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