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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ditched by my online date

202 replies

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:38

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
HortonWho · 29/09/2015 08:12

I'm with whatsforsupper on this "the chase is the fun part, the sex the reward. How hard is this to understand?"

Nothing to do with online dating or generation thing. Men like these were around 20 years ago and they're still around. 20 years ago, they had a reputation for it. Today, they date strangers online who aren't part of the same community and so don't get the reputation.

HellKitty · 29/09/2015 08:30

Don't contact him. Ever.
I would put money on the fact that in a couple of weeks or a month or so he'll send you a text. Ignore it.

turtletea · 29/09/2015 08:50

This is horrible- what is wrong with these men. Ignore, ignore ignore

absolutelynotfabulous · 29/09/2015 09:31

I disagree with most of the pp s who say to ignore. I wouldn't ask-I would tell him-and in no uncertain terms either-how rude, disrespectful, dickish and otherwise awful his behaviour is. Who cares about his reasoning? This man is not worth your angst.

Have a rant at him and get it off your chest.He may, just may, think twice about doing it to someone else.

I'm not OLD but I see this time and time again-women getting worked up over men who have clearly moved on.

Flowers
lighteningirl · 29/09/2015 09:50

No he won't think twice about doing it again having a rant at him if he doesn't just delete any text or voicemail from you straight away will just make him more sure he's in the right. Life is too short to waste on losers.

FarFromAnyRoad · 29/09/2015 09:53

I agree with absolutely. I'd let him have it, both barrels from close range. Why not? Nothing to lose! Perhaps it's just about time someone told him his horoscope - maybe nobody's ever done this before.
I would without doubt tell him that he's a Grade A, First in Show Trophy Winning Cunt of momentous proportions. I'd tell him that if I were him I'd loathe myself. I'd explain to him about basic human decency. And I'd wish upon him nothing but anal warts and a monthly infestation of crabs for the rest of his days!
Then I'd block every possible way of knowing anything about him. If he has your e mail - block him. Block his number from your phone. Block him on the OLD dating site. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.
I loathe shitty behaviour like this and I'd feel it my duty to hand him his manky arse on a plate!

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 10:25

I disagree with most of the pp s who say to ignore. I wouldn't ask-I would tell him-and in no uncertain terms either-how rude, disrespectful, dickish and otherwise awful his behaviour is.

Well you can do this, but be prepared for him to laugh at you and call you a hysterical bitch. Of course you are nothing of the sort, but if you're already feeling shaken by the whole thing save yourself the bother. He will not change if you tell him how disrespectful he has been, he will just find someone else to do it to. He already knows how disrespectful it is and is ok with it, that's why he did it.

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 10:26

Or, there is also the possibility he will just ignore you.

TeapotDictator · 29/09/2015 10:39

ToGo but you're assuming that the point of contacting him is to elicit some sort of response. Fuck that. Saying that he is "busy for the foreseeable future" is just so fucking rude - it is totally contemptuous behaviour. I would be unable to walk away without pointing that out to the offender. Not to get a response, not because I care what they think or would want to change their mind. But because I think that there might be an outside, one in a million chance that it will penetrate their odious soul and make them think twice next time.

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 10:42

Hm Teapot, I don't disagree with you but I just find that people who have the inclination to be so rude in the first place don't tend to give a fuck if people think they have been rude. In fact they tend to be even more satisfied, as they have made someone feel shite and angry and they will probably find that quite hilarious and empowering. It won't penetrate their soul, it is in a steel core of "Meh, I don't care about your feelings anyway".

TeapotDictator · 29/09/2015 10:47

There's a chance that you're right. But if not saying something leaves you sitting seething with resentment, then why not get it off your chest and send it? At this stage if I were the OP (and OP I am so sorry this has happened to you) I would be thinking purely about myself, and about what would make ME feel better. It might get through to him, it may well not. It might make him feel better, or worse. But who fucking cares about him? Nobody. The reasons you gave for not contacting him were because he might think that the OP is a lunatic. Who cares, because she isn't, and she has the right to express disgust at bad behaviour. Going through life not saying something in case the offender thinks badly of you is just not my modus operandi.

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 10:57

Again, I don't disagree with you Teapot, but this has happened to me too many times to count and in my experience there is nothing to gain from having any contact, even if it's one last blowout, with a dickhead. It won't make you feel better, they will possibly just use it as another chance to stick the knife in and make you feel stupid. It won't make him feel worse, it won't make her feel better. It's not avoiding it in case they think badly of you, it's avoiding it to protect yourself as they are likely to make you feel even worse about the situation.

So these days I would save my breath and rant to MN, there are a few threads on it where people can share stories of the batshit people they have dated!

TeapotDictator · 29/09/2015 10:58

Oh, I wouldn't allow them to have any comeback, send and block... :)

ToGoBoldly · 29/09/2015 11:01

Ah, well yes if you have the balls to do that and not be tempted to let them have any come back, it may be cathartic! Grin But then just say "you know, you're a massive twat, bye".

lighteningirl · 29/09/2015 11:38

You don't need to send and block he isn't going to answer send all you like he wont even read. A tractor, a trailer full of horseshit and a drive by is the best solution.

Original poster
violet1300 · 29/09/2015 12:07

hey, thanks for all the replies. I haven't read them all yet but it's really interesting to get some viewpoints on it all.
I've decided not to contact him and ask why. I don't care if he thinks something I did was weird or he didn't like some aspect of what I did. I've just come out of a (mostly) happy three year relationship with normal plentiful sex so I know that I am not doing anything majorly wrong.
He did say he's only a few months out of a long term relationship himself so maybe its that. I wonder also if maybe its that he's used to women being head over heels for him immediately and his ego couldn't take the fact that I was wanting to move slowly and wasn't making any declarations of adoration for him.
Who knows. what a fucking dickhead. I am going to trust my gut feeling in future. and have a few months off men.
I'm 25, he is 37. You'd have thought he'd have realised how to behave by now.

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1300 · 29/09/2015 12:10

I do actually want to tell him what an absolute bell end he is actually. He swans around making himself out to be the nicest guy in the world and I really want to tell him that in actual fact he is an arsehole.
I specifically told him that I considered having sex fairly significant at this stage in my life and that I wasn't up for casual sex, hence waiting a fair amount of dates. I ACTIVELY told him that and he still slept with me and then dumped me. Someone needs to tell him that that is the behaviour of a grade A dickhead

OP posts:
Original poster
violet1300 · 29/09/2015 12:13

FarFromAnyRoad I am cracking up at your message! Fuck him and the horse he rode in on indeed!
He didn't even have a great personality. He was serious, hard work and a fucking creep. thanks everyone.... you are all expressing my inner rage much more eloquently than I could

OP posts:
laurierf · 29/09/2015 12:31

He did say he's only a few months out of a long term relationship ...

I'm 25, he is 37

Who knows for sure in this case, but in my experience of having male friends in their 30s doing OLD… You didn't do anything wrong. He's looking for 'The One' and you're not her… luckily for you because he is an absolute twat to have finished it like that.

Justaboy · 29/09/2015 12:33

violet1300 Looks like this discourse on here has made you feel a bit perhaps a LOT better!.

Original poster
violet1300 · 29/09/2015 12:40

I'm sure he is but so am I, and I'm not sure how having sex with me was necessary to figure that out. You'd have thought he'd have realised on one of the 8 previous dates we've been on. We've also spent a night together previously, without having sex, but where we 'got to know each other' so to speak. So I think it is literally just a case of he has had sex with me and run away for whatever reason.

Yes it has made me feel a little better, thanks everyone. Still feel confused and hurt but I am working on nurturing rage rather than succumbing to sadness

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 29/09/2015 12:42

Violet I'm the same age as you and this has happened to me twice. Both older men. I ruled out men my age or bit older because I thought they were more immature, maybe I should rethink that!

Anyway your not alone. I decided online dating shit!

Original poster
violet1300 · 29/09/2015 12:47

I am literally dating older men to avoid this shit. And because I want to settle down. Seems there are the same old problems regardless of age. You are right, online dating is shit.... here I was thinking it would just be a fun way to get to know some new people!

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 29/09/2015 12:49

I'm 25, he is 37.

I really wouldn't give it another thought if you are 25. It's immaterial. At your age, you have time enough to date up a storm.

Until I read your age, I was thinking "maybe no harm in asking why" but if you are 25 it's nothing really worth worrying about.

These are general observations not for you OP as I see you have decided not to ask and that's a good thing at your age: -

I don't agree that in all cases that either there is no point calmly and politely asking for feedback or that a man behaving like this is correctly deemed a bastard.

I think in some cases, particularly if this is a pattern, asking for an explanation may be helpful and instructive - even if only because it gives you an answer. It could simply be "I did really like you, no you didn't do anything but on Monday I met my Mrs Right and I want to give it a go with her. I didn't handle this well with you but I was trying not to hurt you."

It could be "actually I'm a bastard who is just looking for as much random sex as I can get and enjoy the chase."

It could be " we aren't sexually compatible".

It could be "I don't like your habit of picking your nose in bed; it made me feel sick".

There are a myriad of reasons that are possible answers. But choosing to ask is a gamble because you may not get an honest answer.

If you do get an honest answer, it maybe helpful as it is a proper explanation that puts your mind at rest. It maybe helpful as constructive feedback (I know we all like to think we are perfect but some people do have bad habits or behaviours etc that are big turn offs to some people). But it's possible that it may not be constructive and just hurtful - and you need to be prepared for all eventualities if you decide to ask.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/09/2015 12:49

Sounds like he took the old advice of
the best gift you can give them is missing you and took it to extremes.

Friends who have tried OLD have had mixed results and it doesn't help that some men claim all females are essentially unicorn hunters, seeking the impossible.

"Busy for the foreseeable future" yep, busy being a dickhead I expect.
I am glad you won't waste energy trying to call him on his behaviour, he's not going to change, at 37 he should know better.

Tbh I would be amazed if your first OLD experience had been grade A. It's tiresome and does nothing for your confidence but I'm sorry, it's a numbers game.