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Original poster

ditched by my online date

202 replies

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:38

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
HellKitty · 29/09/2015 20:05

Good girl, now ignore him. I've done online dating and there are a few diamonds out there believe it or not!

Trills · 29/09/2015 20:16

Onwards and upwards!

brokenhearted55a · 29/09/2015 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoldFox · 29/09/2015 20:23

I agree sadly. Im lovely..... but nearly 45

Unless i want to date some body ten years older then i guess that's it for romance in this lifetime

LookAtMeGo · 29/09/2015 20:26

I'm your age, brokenhearted, and I found him. Are you seriously saying he's not out there, as in no good ones exist, or that you don't think you'll find him?

LookAtMeGo · 29/09/2015 20:27

I met him in real life. OLD was a freak show

brokenhearted55a · 29/09/2015 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookAtMeGo · 29/09/2015 20:30

Sorry to say, but I do think being a bit of a challenge is key.

CheeseBored · 29/09/2015 20:34

what exactly do you mean by 'challenge', LookAtMeGo?

brokenhearted55a · 29/09/2015 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justaboy · 29/09/2015 20:37

brokenhearted55a Christ I can see what you have that handle that experience would be enough to put most all people of being with someone for life!. Did he give any reasons at all can you say?.

violet and others. It does seem very shitty to end it all with either nothing or just a text. I'd have hoped that anyone with any decency would have been able to talk and tell you that they wanted to end it at any time not just after the deed was done !.

Well Violet i did wonder if there was something he couldn't talk about but am concluding rapidly that there are a lot of weak people around:-(

niceupthedance · 29/09/2015 20:38

"He told me a few things he'd been up to"

ie how busy he has been?

Just a thought, does he know what foreseeable future means?

Anyway, he's still a cock and you should disengage.

brokenhearted55a · 29/09/2015 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheersMedea · 30/09/2015 09:49

Do you think there is a way to set up a local list of these bastards to warn others?

I don't think that would help because in most cases this kind of behaviour is not "bad man" it's more "good man with wrong woman".

People are cowardly and telling someone that you are no longer interested in them for (often) very trivial reasons (see that thread someone posted further up about trivial reasons you dumped someone) is unpleasant and hard. For many people (women included) it's easier to just go silent.

Of course, the gold standard of nice behaviour would be to give a call and say "I really liked you and when I said all that stuff I really meant it. I listened when you said you didn't want a casual sexual relationship and at that time, in that moment, I thought this could go somewhere. Unfortunately, I think I just got carried away with lust and the newness of it all. I'm afraid that [delete as applicable] I've met someone else/ I was turned off by the noises you made during sex/I've now discovered your political views are abhorrent to me/I think you're a bit clingy now we've had sex/I thought you were a natural blonde/I didn't like your granny pants/ I didn't like your slutty thong/etc etc. So I'm sorry but I won't be calling you again but I think you are great and I wish you all the best." But life isn't like that. Most people don't have the balls (or the inclination). And in some cases (if you aren't sure) men figure silence is better as it leaves your options open.

It's not ideal behaviour but it doesn't mean that a man who does this is necessarily a complete bastard. They could be but it doesn't always follow.

When someone (man or woman) meets a woman that they are truly interested in, the apparent "bastard" behaviour goes out the window.

Justaboy · 30/09/2015 19:06

brokenhearted55a I think that's what's known as a lucky escape. It would never have flown long term.

"I will never understand why he did it"

I do, it's cos he's an abusive prat!

Well if nothing else at least by now you should be able to recognise one.

daisychain01 · 30/09/2015 19:19

It's a red-herring that you met on-line, that's just a way of connecting. You could have met him down the pub or in a park, the fact is he did the dirty on you - despicable, I don't know how else to describe it.

But it wasn't that way because he was an OL/date, it was because he was a bad'un, an arse!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 30/09/2015 19:39

Sorry this happened to you OP. I have a theory that the more careful and difficult to get you are the more you attract men who are only actually interested in you for that very reason. It's happened to me lots. I would be super wary, have all my barriers up etc.
Gradually my defences would come down , but once the man had, er, stormed the drawbridge, that would be it.
Now I think that it's better to say "no rules" and focus on how much I like them, not if they like me or not.
I am done attracting men who only like me because I am making it a challenge. I'm not a challenge. I am open to love, IF they are worthy of me. And this ageing toss pot was clearly not worthy of you love. 25! He should be fucking grateful! Move on in the knowledge that it's not you, it really is him.

Justaboy · 30/09/2015 22:47

Well I've had few serious relationships and have seen a bit of this difficult to get but it didn't have an effect on the outcome. The point where it got fizzyical was around 15 dates or so in. And after it just carried on as a normal relationship, well as normal as they get. )

Odd theory all the same, has it always been there over the years or is it more noticeable with the advent of on-line dating or has that just shown it up clearer?.

Perhaps its some hangover when we went out a 'huntin rather than using Waitrose;!.

Stormtreader · 01/10/2015 16:22

Ive had someone go from totally disney-attraction, this might be my soulmate to dumped with no warning. It was devastating to me at the time but now that its been a while I can see that he had recently come out of a long-term relationship and I know he had bumped into her recently, so I think he just realised he still loved her.
My point is that you just cant know whats going on in someones life, it could be that youre just different in bed than his ex and hes suddenly realised youre a different person and hes not ready, or he could be back together with her, or something else entirely. You did what was right for you, dont feel foolish for that :)

bodenbiscuit · 06/10/2015 08:53

I haven't read the whole thread but a male friend of mine said that he thinks the reason OD is such a disaster is that you meet up with people who would never normally cross your path in real life so you end up, often with an unnatural situation.

I was just wondering - is it at all possible he's gone because he sensed you are not physically attracted to him as he would like? As earlier you say that you were hoping he'd grow on you that way. Maybe it dented his ego that he doesn't make the earth move for you?

I think I would message him though - it's horrible for him to treat anyone as disposable.

bodenbiscuit · 06/10/2015 08:54

'You just can't know what's going on in someone's life'

Exactly - this kind of relates to the issue of meeting people who normally you wouldn't have.

WashedUpHysteric · 06/10/2015 14:53

Hi Violet
I'm embarrassingly old to have had a similar experience to yours before I sorted out my shit last year and did some reading, because I felt so hurt it sent me to the interweb to see what was wrong. I would recommend reading anything on this site about dating:
www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/11/dating-a-disappearing-man.html
It looks like it's all going to be about astrology but it isn't, I don't know anything about it but this woman's advice is gold. She said there may well be red flags but you have to know how to spot them. The evil little shit I got ditched by after sex did me a favour actually. I was incredibly naive in my outlook my whole life. Now not so much. Got me some self-esteem and then met my fiance a few months later. Do not contact the shiteing cockweasel. He'll probably crow over it with his mates. Expect another text in a couple of months.

honeyroar · 06/10/2015 15:11

I don't think that you will get any answers from him, but I would be inclined to send him a message saying how disappointed you are in his manners. Tell him that ditching someone with just a message is the behaviour of a teenager, not a mature man. Tell him that, especially after just having slept together for the first time, it has left you feeling like you've taken a knock to your self confidence and that it's really cruel. Tell him he was a let down.

WashedUpHysteric · 06/10/2015 16:16

I don't think that will achieve anything honeyroar, and if he is a real douche then he'll get a kick out of the feeling that he has had an effect on her. Truth is though that until someone commits to a monogamous relationship with you then you're on shaky ground if you drop your pants. Not to say that he isn't morally wrong for behaving like he has but she might come off looking, well, like an hysteric, which is where I take my username from, what that total asshat called me after I sent message saying the same. He'll just think 'Well, I never promised her anything' and in actual fact, he hasn't.

CheersMedea · 07/10/2015 08:50

I don't think that will achieve anything honeyroar

I think this depends on what kind of man he is and what's going on as to whether it will.

If he's basically a decent guy who couldn't face a "I'm sorry..." type chat, it may be worthwhile.

On the other hand, if he's an utter shit, it will be counter productive. It would be like a guide as to "what to do next time to the next unsuspecting woman to keep your options open".

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