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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ditched by my online date

202 replies

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:38

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 07/10/2015 09:18

I think this scenario has everything to do with OD. I had a female friend who did OD and it almost drove her to a nervous breakdown, even though she's a lovely sane person- the constant pattern of keenness, the few dates, the getting closer, the sex, then the rejection. She kept saying 'is it me, what is it about me?' when in fact it was absolutely about the men and the OD pattern.

I think there are lots and lots of men out there, some well into their mid-thirties even forties who in the past would have settled down as all their mates were doing so. They now have the opportunity to prolong their dating life and start to see the endless parade of women in their twenties keen to date them (misguidedly thinking these are the men that are more mature and going to want to settle down). In fact, the opposite is true, they can't believe their luck at this opportunity to duck out of all that comes with serious relationship and still get female company and sex.

Hence, after a few dates, and one or two shags (which they have to be extremely keen on the woman as it is hard to win the nice women over online), they then realise that the woman thinks they are now in a relationship and dump. It's not about the sex itself (they may have sex a couple of times before scarpering, or even try to come back later on for a FWB shag/booty call late at night), it's that the sex signals the shift into a more serious relationship, they get cold feet, and scarper, leaving the woman who thought the whole thing was growing and developing nicely utterly bewildered.

My poor friend in the end had to give up OD after several of these repeat rejections, it was battering her ego just too much. She was also quite susceptible for interpreting sex as love, or the start of love, and that meant she was more hurt than someone who is just in it for the fun by them doing a runner after a few sexual encounters.

I think this behaviour was common before OD, but it's now in epidemic proportions, as there's an endless supply of women with whom they can have the chase, the dates, the convo, the sex but don't actually have to have a full relationship or be mature- into their forties, and so throwing women back in the pool and trying for another fish just becomes habitual.

I think lighteninggirl? said all this in a lot more succinct way earlier in the thread, but I just wanted to say it's not you, it is them! (and my friend met a lovely guy and settled down, just not through OD)

bodenbiscuit · 07/10/2015 11:04

HP - I agree with what you say. But surely people who actually have a moral compass would not treat anyone like this in the first place? Even though the dynamics of OD make it easier for them to do so? To treat someone like this is sociopathic. So I just wonder whether the wider question is just whether OD has a higher proportion of people who think it's ok to treat people like dirt than you would come across generally.

Also, men don't get nearly as much interest as women do on these sites. Most of my male friends, even the attractive ones with good jobs say that they only get a few messages a week.

bodenbiscuit · 07/10/2015 11:08

I do think that most normal people seek a human connection so if somone can just dump you with no explanation they never liked you very much in the first place and they must have been pretending.

TheMarxistMinx · 07/10/2015 16:28

HP - I agree with what you say. But surely people who actually have a moral compass would not treat anyone like this in the first place? Even though the dynamics of OD make it easier for them to do so? To treat someone like this is sociopathic

We once walked with a stoop, climbed trees and fished with our bare hands, lived in caves, had little in the way of speech, later we had group marriage, slavery, and later still prostitution, the exploitation of millions on less than a dollar a day.

In short, we are what we are conditioned to be. We think in ways that are historically specific and specific to the culture and society we live[e] in.

Now we have the emergence of 24 hr shopping, take outs we can order and pay for online and next day delivery on just about any commodity you can imagine. Sex, bodies, porn, all of it being treated as just another commodity, all interchangeable and exchangeable.

I can't imagine why people are surprised! but I'm very glad that people seem to now be thinking really critically about OD.

bodenbiscuit · 07/10/2015 16:41

How depressing :(

So would you say the answer is to avoid online dating?

suzannecaravaggio · 07/10/2015 16:52

Also, men don't get nearly as much interest as women do on these sites. Most of my male friends, even the attractive ones with good jobs say that they only get a few messages a week

you are quite correct, OD is most definitely not the cornucopia of willing and available women that pps have portrayed it to be!

I'm not sure what the answer is but I guess more and more women will wise up, realise what is going on and stop being duped by the tactics that many men use.

happyending14 · 07/10/2015 17:41

I agree with suzanne. I think it's a myth that online dating is a sweet shop to men and they are all serial daters shagging around. A lot of men struggle to get anywhere and get very disillusioned themselves.

I also agree with a pp that it's not always the case that the man buggers off after sex because that was all he was after. Rather that when the relationship starts to move into more serious territory they reevaluate it and back off. Tbh I've done it myself.

Plus with all the baggage/messy divorce/just out of a relationship stress/access to the children, it's a wonder any relationships get off the ground at all when you reach a certain age, however you met.

suzannecaravaggio · 07/10/2015 17:50

OD sites promote the illusion that there are large numbers of women available to male ODers, especially those sites where the men pay a fee to access the women.
Case in point, Ashley Madison and the subsequent revelations that there were almost no female members.

Such sites are merely exploiting an easy to tap source of revenue, ie men who are up for casual sex

MammyInTraining · 07/10/2015 21:36

Listen whatever it was he is an idiot and good riddance. Whether you did something in bed or whatever who cares there will be someone who will appreciate you beginning with yourself.
There is no perfect way to get to know someone I don't thibk .it is a risk and you took it, well done!!! NEXT

lavenderhoney · 07/10/2015 22:19

You weren't that interested in him really, so you'd probably have dropped him anyway after months of angst and the sunk cost fallacy. Ignore him now, and if you text him he will think you're chasing him- which you aren't, so don't!

Next time, don't date them if you don't fancy them or see a future with them. Tell them you want to take it slowly but try not to make sex the prize - more time with you is the prize, if you like. More intimacy, more sharing of lives.

I do think that for both sexes, the initial dating and then sex means the relationship will change and perhaps at that point - they change their minds.
Sex and the desire to sleep with a person stops you thinking straight - and when you do, you might think oops and regret not listening to your inner relationships expert ( or MN:)

bodenbiscuit · 07/10/2015 22:47

I agree with some of these later posts. Most women doing OD are not interested in men who just want sex and there are ways to tell if that is what they are doing. I think that in practice, most of them don't have several women they can call up who are just waiting to drop everything for them.

I know that I myself have annoyed people a few times with my perceived flakiness. I have three children and one of them is a severely autistic teenager. I'm very tired and I have little time to myself. So what I tend to have done in the past is to get chatting with several guys, try to decide whether to meet any of them because I don't want my one evening off a fortnight to be rubbish. And then they get frustrated with me because I'm being indecisive. Which is understandable but they just don't fully appreciate about my home life.

bodenbiscuit · 07/10/2015 22:49

Yes Suzanne, my good male friend said exactly what you have in your last post.

SionnachDana · 09/10/2015 19:01

Yeh, the one guy I really liked said to me that it was a women's game Confused . didn't feel like that to me but I didn't correct him. I really liked him and would have gone out with him again but he kept prioritising work. I knew he was a workaholic before I met up with him.

I went out with a man on tuesday night, 7 years older, very average looking and he was underwhelmed by me I think. I think he's back in to the sweet shop. There was no spark but he made it obvious he couldn't wait to get away when we left the restaurant. It was annoying. He'd behaved well up to that point. I'm annoyed he couldn't have just said "nice to have met you" he had to cough up a fake "I'll be in touch" as he was running away. I hate that. Makes it seem like he rejected me now. He knows deep down though!! right?

SionnachDana · 09/10/2015 19:05

SuzanneCaravaggio, I hate being passive, and I decided that so long as I can handle the rejections (like men have to) I'll be pro-active and message men whose profiles I like the look of. But it is kind of Shock shocking the high number who don't reply. I'm looking for similar interests, well expressed in a good profile (like my own) and a man who is attractive but not too handsome.

suzannecaravaggio · 09/10/2015 19:32

maybe they dont reply because they assume you are a 'bot' Sion?

SionnachDana · 10/10/2015 13:07

What's a bot!? I tried really hard to figure that out before asking!

suzannecaravaggio · 10/10/2015 14:09

not a genuine member of the site, an employee or an algorithm designed to encourage them to keep paying the fee's

Scremersford · 10/10/2015 20:47

Don't be too upset OP. He's a single man nearing 40 who has to use OD to meet women and you are 25 with far more options. People used to meet before OD, and I think you should stay away from it as the proportion of men like this is too high - most decent, nice guys who want relationships do not have to do OD even these days. Even a ONS is more honest than what he did.

I think you were right not to let him away totally Scot-free by just ignoring him. Possibly he now thinks you are the type he can keep hanging in case he has a dry spell. I doubt its the sex that scared him off, probably the fear that he was now in a relationship.

I wonder where he will be in 10 years time. Nearing 50 and still OD is so, so sad for a bachelor. I guess some men decide they want to settle down and marry the next woman, whoever she is. Others will stay single and pursue an ever declining quota of available women. Some will get an internet bride from a Third World country - I can think of a few of those in real life.

suzannecaravaggio · 10/10/2015 20:56

Some will get an internet bride from a Third World country - I can think of a few of those in real life
yep, she gets a british passport and a better standard of living that was on offer at home, albeit she has to share her life with a fat older man.

he gets a compliant young attractive wife

or will she bin him off after a while and find herself a younger man...

MissApple · 10/10/2015 20:58

Its saturday night and everyone seems to be occupied. Even a search on Match.com didnt bring anyone online up! Seriously! FML

Justaboy · 13/10/2015 09:09

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-34490520

suzannecaravaggio · 13/10/2015 11:25

interesting link
but why call it bumble??

Justaboy · 13/10/2015 11:27

Dunno. Better then "fumble", harr harr!.

helenahandbag · 13/10/2015 13:05

A lot of people (not just men!) enjoy the thrill of the chase. The more they have to chase you, the more they enjoy the reward at the end.

A lot of people set out to get one thing and after you've "paid up", they're not interested. I did online dating for a couple of years and found this out the hard way.

I also met my fiance online though, so it sometimes works out.

springydaffs · 13/10/2015 23:26

this kind of behaviour is not "bad man" it's more "good man with wrong woman".

No no NO. This is NOT a good man. This has NOTHING to do with op. The 'foreseeable future' comment - which he actually took the trouble to type - located him fair and square as a CUNT.

Deeply cruel. You've dodged a bullet, violet - well, in the long run (but you did get shot by his cruelty). Really, think no more of the slime. What he did had ZERO to do with you.