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Original poster

ditched by my online date

202 replies

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:38

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lighteningirl · 28/09/2015 21:25

He's a dick do not contact him do not ask him what happened you just have to walk away. And it's really not worth waiting (unless you're not sure in which case just walk away) I think the third date thing is to weed out these idiots then you won't waste a month. Internet dating can be a nice ego boost but is often just soul destroying. Open up look around ask friends to set up blind dates with suitable men. I think the internet dating scene is packed with men who couldn't pull in rl.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itisbetternow · 28/09/2015 21:28

I wouldn't ask him why but I would text him and tell him he needs to learn some manners! Then add at the end that you weren't that interested anyway and his knob was small (only joking of course).

Justaboy · 28/09/2015 21:28

violet1300 As a man.. I'd like you to ask him why. It would be very interesting. I think we're seeing a paradigm shift in the way we date since the advent of the net and the communications explosion.

These inventions and developments are changing the way we work and think and act so its not that surprising that they are changing "mating" behaviour and patterns.

Or is it their just showing up something that was there all along its now been seen in a wider context.

It does seem odd to me this concept that once we've been DTD then it all is over. I can't think that's the entire cause. I wonder if there's something else?. Course there are decent men and bastards around and a combo of them all but it is odd in a way.

Interesting also that it was a paid site as from what I've seen of it that free one POF is a well don't know how to describe it but I'm blowed if I'd be seen dead on that tip;!.

I'm racking my brains to remember where i saw an article on tinder where younger men were using that for a simple leg over for the evening and one was boasting, so divide it by n!, of some 7 or 10 girls he hooked up with every week, and kept a diary of how good they were!.

Perhaps they don't want real relationships anymore as someone suggested. Its rather worrying.

As you you I wouldn't blame yourself it i think its just the way its getting to be nowadays;(.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 21:28

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HazleNutt · 28/09/2015 21:36

I have a friend like that. He chases and chases after the woman - but the minute she shows interest as well, he suddenly complains that she's too keen and loses all interest.
In his case, he's just messed up and thinks that love means chasing. And it's definitely him and not the girls that are the problem.

DrMorbius · 28/09/2015 21:56

Then he admitted lying to keep supply while single. FFS

That was my point brokenhearted, it is weird that this guy gets to the dtd stage but then bails. Why not stick around for a s**g.

Although I believe there is a certain type of guy who is only ever with their partner until something better comes along.

Second thoughts OP, don't ask WTF you will probably not get any type of real answer.

Justaboy · 28/09/2015 21:58

DrMorbius well it is debatable to ask but this question needs an answer it is very odd behaviour.

ToGoBoldly · 28/09/2015 22:04

You're not going to get a valid answer from this kind of person, they will probably just try to make you feel more like an idiot. Best cut them off and move on.

Whatsforsupper · 28/09/2015 22:11

Firstly, don't contact him again, there is no point in engaging with someone
who has sex with you and dumps you via text the next day. He's a dick.

Its nothing to do with how anyone was in Bed he's either in love with the idea of a relationship or he's only interested in sex.

Hi, Folk I don't think its true all single men don't want relationships its more nuanced than that.

A dick is a dick regardless where you meet him:)

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justaboy · 28/09/2015 22:17

Well there is the Sex angle and he was getting it, so why did he go?. It seems to me he went to a lot of trouble to pursue this lady so why bail when he gets what he wants or was there something else?.

ToGoBoldly · 28/09/2015 22:19

Because he is a disrepectful dickhead, Justaboy. There is no further explanation or analysis required. It's best to just move on in these circumstances.

DrMorbius · 28/09/2015 22:22

Justaboy that is exactly what I was saying. Why bail once he got to the dtd stage?.... Weird.

Whatsforsupper · 28/09/2015 22:23

For Fuck sake Justaman you've never met guys in real life that peruse women in real life once they've had a shag, fuck off?

You do this in every post as if there is some great mystery you can solve.

Talking to a guy like is futile he's a dick.

Whatsforsupper · 28/09/2015 22:24

An Dr seriously? Am I the only guy that knows tons of these guys.

The chase is the fun part the sex the reward. How hard is this to understand.

ToGoBoldly · 28/09/2015 22:25

Loads, and loads, and loads of men do this. Notches on bedposts, thrill of the chase, liking a challenge, the power of making someone feel a bit humiliated... there are a thousand potential reasons but none are likely to be helpful or flattering for the person who feels used.

Starkswillriseagain · 28/09/2015 22:25

When dating (online and off), i found some men that acted this way- they just liked the chase and once it paid off then they did a 180.

Or perhaps he's married/in a relationship?

Whatever it is he is a wanker, don't given him any more chances if he comes crawling back. So rude and horrible, having no balls to be honest before sex instead has sex and ends via text.

Whatsforsupper · 28/09/2015 22:26

The guy the OP describe is the same person as the married man he likes the thrill of chasing....feelings have no part in his world.

happyending14 · 28/09/2015 22:27

It is probably that the thrill of the chase has gone now. Simple as that. It won't be anything to do with you.

You say you weren't even that keen. You just went along with it because he was. The one thing I have learnt in online dating is if I don't get the excited/can't wait to see him feelings, I don't bother seeing them again. The feelings and attraction for me never grow. They are either there or they're not and I don't want to waste anyone's time. Next time trust yourself.

happyending14 · 28/09/2015 22:27

There we are, we're all saying the same thing at the same time!

DrMorbius · 28/09/2015 22:28

So brokenhearted he poured just enough honey into your ears, then bailed when something better came along.

As I said earlier, there are some guys who are only ever with their partner until something better comes along. This is no reflection on you.

Justaboy · 28/09/2015 22:28

ToGoBoldly Whatsforsupper yes they do but I think the OP was bemused as to "why", he got what he wanted after a lot of it seems effort.

I'm not out to solve a greet mystery its just to understand the behaviour .
Bin there dun the ONS but a long time ago now FWIW;!.

I think the OP posse has concluded to let it be;).

ToGoBoldly · 28/09/2015 22:31

Yes she feels bemused, because it is bemusing, but he clearly doesn't have a respectful, valid explanation, if he did he would have told her at the time instead of the stinging "I'm busy for the foreseeable future, piss off"