ditched by my online date

[violet1300]

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

Rebecca2014 I know this is a very tetchy subject and I almost got both barrels the other day over it;(, but what age would you consider "mature" if you can say?. Tell me to sod off if you so desire!.

I'm not sure how having sex with me was necessary to figure that out

That - I think - is a little naive (sorry). You yourself said

I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level

There is no magic number of how many dates to wait before sex, as everyone will have stories about sleeping together on the first night and then being together forever etc… but I suppose in my (successful as met my DH online) experience, and having lots of friends who've done OLD… string it out too long and it can become 'a thing' and about 'the chase' rather than about the person, and rush in too quickly and you end up in 'just a fling' territory. If you really don't want any risk of having sex with someone who ups and disappears the next day, you maybe could consider waiting a looooong time before having sex, such that you are in an established relationship and so know that the first time with someone new isn't always that great but that doesn't necessarily bear any relation to your future sex life…. I wouldn't be 'ruling out' people on their age (within reason of course) but, yes, don't imagine men in their mid to late 30s are going to treat you better than those in their late 20s to early 30s, particularly when they are just out of a long-term relationship.

And if at any point they are "hard work"… DO NOT GO THERE! Do not engage in "a challenge" of a different kind!

In my experience the "good ones" we're all in serious relationships with live-in girlfriends by late 20s/early 30s. Then some of those divorced with a young child or two in late 30s/early 40s.

Anyone single - man or woman - in their mid to late 30s will have baggage. Even if youre a perfectly lovely person. Off top of my head, I can think of 5 female friends that fit that. Their baggage is: demanding job with travel that makes developing a new long term relationship very difficult, choosing a specific type to date which isn't compatible in personality and relationships follow a pattern, and most commonly being screwed over in past and not trusting.

If you're mid 20s, don't date someone in mid 30s thinking they've got their shit together.

There should be a review system in place on the dating sites to warn any future daters that they like the chase, have sex with you and never contact you again except for a drunken booty call if you're lucky. All my single friends, especially London based ones who have internet dated have that same story time after time. It drives them mad!

It definitely isn't you OP. There seems to be a huge amount of women struggling to find genuinely interested men.

Golden rule: have sex when you WANT to have sex.

Don't have sex you're not 100% ready for just because it's the 'next step' or to 'move the relationship along' or because you've had 'enough dates'. Don't avoid sex you DO want just because of what he might think, or what he might do next.

Have sex because you are in the mood for sex, you find your partner attractive, and you want to receive (and give) pleasure.

This is dating. You're trying things out, just like he is. Don't link it to anything else. Don't expect it to lead anywhere else. Accept it, or reject it, for what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

fair point broken55, that was just me being angry... I obviously didn't think that at the point when I slept with him!
Also a very fair point about assuming older men have their shit together. I assumed a man would be single in their late thirties because a relationship had ended or because they had struggled to find anyone for one reason or another, rather than because they had baggage.
And thanks TheStoic, I think thats really key advice for me. I don't want to sleep with loads of men casually (i've been through that phase to be honest) and therefore I'm probably guilty of thinking too much about sex being a next step or something that has to happen according to some sort of rules. I need to sort my head out around it I think.

that was just me being angry

sure, that's understandable, we've all been there, done that… but was he "hard work" at times? If so, in what way?

I think men are the unicorn hunters they want claudia schiffers daughter while making no effort.

hehe yep. even Claud herself isn't good enough.

I think that's why so many (mostly) women feel so used in these situations.

If you truly believe you are having sex because you want to have sex, it doesn't feel like something you're 'giving up' in order to get something (ie commitment) in return.

If nothing further eventuates from a sexual encounter, at least you know it was on your terms at the time.

I think it's fair to expect respect after a sexual encounter, but TheStoic you have a good point.

Absolutely, togoboldly. I still think the guy is a twat.

But I think it's a mistake to link it to the sex, or that it's worse because it happened after sex.

If a woman 100% wants to have sex on her own terms (which I think should be a basic prerequisite for all sex), she should not feel 'used' no matter what happens next.

Yes I agree totally, Stoic

But stoic, women aren't on the sites looking for sex. They're looking for a relationship. So to say have sex when you want to is a bit pointless. OP wanted to have sex because she thought that was the next step in a new relationship, not because she fancied a fuck on that day.

Linking sex to any other expectation is a recipe for disaster.

Having sex for any reason other than 'I want to have sex with this person now' is a really bad idea.

You are banking on the other person giving you back something you want - something else entirely (a relationship?), that they may have no interest in whatsoever.

Yes, you should never use sex as a currency

The "I want to have sex with this person" encompasses a huge range of complex emotions for most people, of which pure physical attraction is a part. We as humans haven't gone around and copulated only because we are physically attracted to another (and no other reasons) for quite a few centuries now.

I wasn't using sex as currency, to be clear. I wanted to have sex at the point at which I did. I thought he was a good guy and I thought - hoped - it would go somewhere. I didnt expect him to magically commit to me as a result of sleeping together, but I also did not expect him to dump me the next day.
There's always going to be a slight expectation, I think, when having sex with someone that they won't go AWOL on you afterwards? No matter how much I wanted to have sex at that particular point, I would still feel guilty and bad about myself if they then disappeared afterwards. And I don't know how to protect myself from that?

And he wasn't a bad guy. Just very serious and I felt like I often did a lot of the conversational legwork. I wouldn't have considered either of these as major problems, I'm obviously just backtracking now to make myself feel better about him dumping me. Which is clearly the mature and sensible thing to do :( oh man I do feel like a complete idiot right now.

This has reminded me of this movie

haha that looks truly dreadful. is it worth watching?

violet - of course there is an hope/expectation that someone you've been spending time with is not going to just fuck off "for the foreseeable future" once you've slept together… it's of course going to be hurtful if that happens… but 'guilty'??! NO. You have nothing to feel guilty about!!! And it really wasn't anything you did… this is all about him and his own ishooos...

He was a bad guy, actually, as his post-sex behaviour has revealed… but I understand that he didn't seem to be at the time and that you really liked him. But having to do a lot of the conversational legwork isn't really a great sign to be honest, and I say that as someone who's really not married to "mr chatty" at the best of times and who was pretty shy when we were dating… you still shouldn't feel that you are doing a lot of the conversational leg work I don't think… (maybe that's just me).

You're not an idiot, OP, you did what you felt was right at the time. You trusted him, which was fair after someone treating you well and giving you positive signals for several weeks. It's easy to see red flags with hindsight.

I dated a 55 year old divorced man. He went silent on me. Once a knob always a knob irrespective of their age. Don't expect older men to be more gentlemanly, kind, communicative etc than younger men. They are not. I must admit I was surprised by it but maturity doesn't mean kind and thoughtful.