ditched by my online date

[violet1300]

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

If you're 25, you're the one with all the options. Try trusting your instincts more next time. Don't settle for a man 12 years older than you when you're in your mid 20s! I thought when you said you were right on paper that you were trying to talk yourself in to liking him.

Don't bother getting an answer out of him. His answer, his views, they're not important. Don't inflate his ego by telling him you give a shit!

It's the kind of thing that comes on tv and you think it will be so awful it's funny... But it ends being quite funny. Mimicks nature documentaries from 50s with voiceover from Niles Crane.

I know this is a very old fashioned view and most people who hold it are generally mocked for it but reading through these comments just made me thankful for the fact that my parents brought me up to believe that sex was best within a committed relationship and therefore not to sleep with someone until you know you are both in it for the long haul. I met my husband when we were both early 30's and both virgins. We DTD on our wedding night for the first time. It is genuinely the only way to completely avoid all the anger and heartache that goes with being used by partners who really are not in it for more than the sex. If someone is genuinely in love with you as a person, they will be prepared to commit to a relationship before having sex.

vdb - if that worked for you then, great, no need to mock you… as long as you don't judge others who feel differently from you. If you're honest, you have no idea whether sex is best within a committed relationship and have taken the idea that this is the case "on faith." Genuinely glad you've never had anger and heartache in your marriage - good for you!

I respect people who want to wait for marriage but no more than I respect those who don't, and I don't respect those who refuse to entertain the idea that both might be possible and it depends on the person doing what is right for them.

I've had great sex in a non-committed relationship and don't feel like I've lost anything. Enjoying sex for the sake of it is absolutely fine, as long as everyone is on the same page, you don't need to go through a legally binding contract to show respect for someone. Also, marrying someone is not a guarantee that they won't turn out to be a twat who doesn't respect you, sexually or otherwise (cf every other thread on this board).

I'm sure it would be great to have met someone and married them and had sex with only them for all eternity (providing he turned out to be right for you and I'm very glad you had that experience vdb). However I have learnt a lot about myself and what I want and don't through sleeping with people, and I have had a lot of fun and a lot of really happy, brilliant memories from sex in a committed relationship and outside of it.

However. I no longer feel like I want sex outside of a relationship. That's just the stage I am at now. But you can't just randomly decide halfway through your twenties that you want to be a virginal bride. I've made my decisions and now I just need to make sure that whoever I sleep with now makes me feel good and safe and happy. I have tried to do that but failed. So I have no idea how to do that.

violet - I think you probably do have to kiss a few frogs… but, what did work for me was saying, when it felt like it was getting to that point but not the night of dtd so there was time to let it sink in…"I'm not suggesting we need to get married or anything at all (!) but I'm not up for sex with someone as a one-off or fling, so there's absolutely no hard feelings if you want to end things here on good terms, I really do get it, but I just want to be honest now"… now there's no guarantees that your complete-and-utter-bastard radar might be totally off… but hopefully you have enough intuition to get a sense from their instinctive reaction to these words and their subsequent behaviour to know whether it's worth taking the plunge. Thing is… you just can't ever know for sure how things will turn out and you do have to put yourself out on the line a bit… but you're so young at 25!! Take your time.

I did say that to him on our third date when he invited me back to his. I said in those exact words nearly... I'm not looking for life long commitment but I just want you to know that I am not looking for casual sex and would probably only be keen to sleep with someone if I felt the relationship was going somewhere. Which is why it feels particularly low to continue pursuing me and pulling out all the stops for several more dates and then disappear once we've had sex.

I know 25 sounds young but I have recently found out that having babies is not going to be straightforward for me, and therefore I am really feeling the urge to settle down. Which is an urge I am hiding completely from men I am dating but it is something I am conscious of.

I have just text him because I want to know what the fuck is going through his head.

The same thing has just happened to me.
I've just posted a threat
Went on 5 dates it was going great
Had sex then boom
Gone
I text him but he told me not to contact him again
So upset/angry/confused
Not sure what I did wrong :-(

Thread not threat sorry

Ah, you've given texted him:) You've not taken the advice.

Let us know what he said.

Aliona I've read your thread. His reply, it was a mistake is a liars way of dumping you. The probability is he wanted sex and nothing else.

You can spend time lamenting what he did or let it go. Honestly, its not worth your time.

yes - it was all very true and useful advice and I have completely ignored it, like a tool!

He has not replied. I will update when he does!

sorry Aliona. that is absolutely shite. there's been some brilliant words of wisdom on this thread, give it a read.... don't blame yourself xx

brokenhearted, please don't be offended because I mean this kindly. You are focusing on all the crap ways men have treated you/relationships that didn't work out. Even your username is at it. I really believe that you get what you focus on in life. Forget about the wankers that have gone before. Somewhere out there is a lovely man who deserves you.

Do you think there is a way to set up a local list of these bastards to warn others?

"somewhere out there is a lovely man who deserves you."

I know your post isn't aimed at me, but this wonderful creature is not always around the corner. Not saying that that's a reason to tolerate bullshit, it isn't, but it just sounds a bit trite "somewhere out there is a lovely man who deserves you". In 8 years of being single, and in this time I've been focused on saving, children, career, friends, house, personal goals, fitness, life in general, not once have I encountered a single and lovely man..........

it is a myth that if you focus on other things and get on with life that this mystical creature will appear.

well, apart from the two I went out with, briefly. I forgot about them! but they were both very brief.

This is the first man you've dated after getting out of a LTR, is that right?

You've been unlucky.

There are a lot of men out there. Most of them are wrong for you, but they are wrong in all kinds of different and interesting ways. Won't it be fun finding out what those ways are?

A "less unlucky" thing to happen would be for you to have a few dates with men who turned out to be wrong on date 1, or date 3, or in between date 2 and date 3, or in the middle of kissing them you realise that you can't actually be bothered, so you got used to the idea that most men you date will not be right for you. In many cases you will be the one saying "no thanks".

You'll do it more politely than this man did, of course, because you are a polite person.

yeah I definitely need to look at it like that. Yes this is my first experience of dating post LTR so perhaps I am more susceptible to getting upset and confused. Although I'm sure this wouldn't be any better for someone who has been dating a while.

He's replied and basically completely ignored the fact I was asking about what had happened. He just told me a few things that he had been up to. He's obviously too chickenshit to actually outright tell me that he is not keen any more.

I am better than this and I cannot be arsed with someone who behaves like this. I'm out. I'm not replying. Onward and upwards!

I suspected he'd either avoid the text or the question. He probably thinks you are chasing him now OP. He may well start texting you again if you ignore him so be warned and keep ignoring!