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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ditched by my online date

202 replies

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:38

Ok so, recently split up with my ex of 3 years so tried dipping my toe into the water of online dating. My first date was really nice (although a bit crap at communicating between dates) and although I liked him I wanted to take it slow, so we've been doing lots of getting to know each other.

It was something like our eighth date at the weekend (over a time period of about a month)... he'd made me dinner at his, pulling out all the stops (flowers, candles, etc). We slept together. Now he has gone completely silent.

He didn't text for a whole weekend and then when I got in touch to ask him if he wanted to see me, he said he was 'busy for the foreseeable future'.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I don't even care that I won't see HIM specifically again, but I really thought I knew him and was confident that sleeping with him was a good move and would help our relationship develop... how am I supposed to to trust anyone if men really do just do this all the time?!

I don't know how to protect myself from this. I don't want to sleep with men and then have them never call me again. but I was so careful about this one. I honestly think that sex is fairly crucial to getting a relationship to the next level but I also honestly don't think I could cope with sleeping with any more men who then disappear. I feel so so terrible about myself right now! does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:

Itisbetternow · 28/09/2015 20:45

I will be watching this with interest as I have the same question. I dated a fella for a year from OD and then one day he went quiet and that was it. I feel I will never really know someone from OD. They can lie about so much and you may never find out.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 28/09/2015 20:47

I don't think there is an answer. This is just the way it is now. Most single men aren't interested in a relationship.

I have just decided not to bother anymore and I've taken myself out of dating altogether.

To the point where there is a man I know who I find rather attractive. We get on well, he makes laugh, but if he were to ever show any interest in me, I would run.

Original poster

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:49

its so mad though. I met him on a paid site. He did all the running for weeks. He's literally pulled out all the stops to win me over and then we sleep together and he's gone?
I honestly cannot believe that he did all that just to sleep with me and run away. I just can't believe that. He seemed so genuine - honestly, how are you supposed to know or trust anyone?
I kept saying I wanted to take it slow as I had no context for him and it worried me. He was so understanding and nice about it. i'm so fucking confused!

OP posts:

KittensandKids · 28/09/2015 20:50

Ive stopped online dating, it dents your ego after a while. I do believe there are some 'good men' but it's finding them.

ToGoBoldly · 28/09/2015 20:50

I don't have anything useful to say except it's not you, don't take it personally.

moonie70 · 28/09/2015 20:52

My heart goes out to you , please don't beat yourself up over this ,it happens time and time again especially when you've met on line , as its so easy for guys to move on to the next woman , there like kids in a sweet shop , it's all to easy , what an absolute arsehole treating you this way , See it that you have had a lucky escape .
Be kind to yourself and take it slow next time , remember there are good guys out there , don't let this set back knock your confidence , it's more a reflection on him than you .
Stay strong and put it behind you x

fastdaytears · 28/09/2015 20:54

No explanation for you but loads of

What is with the epidemic of shit men? Has OD just made things too easy for them?

Original poster

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 20:56

thats the thing, I did take it slow!! we've been out 8 times. how on earth are you supposed to prepare for this sort of behaviour. he was the one pushing it forward the whole time and now he has got cold feet.
It's just really really strange and makes me wonder how anyone meets anyone when this happens. How am I supposed to casually get to know somoene if I am wondering if they are going to disappear on me any minute?!
It would be easier to be alone, wouldn't it.

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 28/09/2015 21:00

Easier maybe but if it's not what you want then you need to get back out there.

Men aren't all like this, but I honestly don't know what you could have done differently. It sounded pretty "slow" to me.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 21:08

I haven't yet but I might do. Is it weird to ask him?! I mean I don't know what he could possibly say to make me think he was less of a dick head but still.

The worst part is, I wasn't even that keen. I liked him and on paper we were a good match so I was hoping my feelings would grow as he seemed to keen on me. I will listen to my instinct in future!!

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moonie70 · 28/09/2015 21:08

Your hurting and that's understandable , we've all been there , I've taken myself of OD as everyone says on here it's hard going if your a little on the sensitive side .
Your trying to fathom out why he's treated you this way will serve you no purpose only make you stressed out and miserable .
Please don't let him put you off men for good.
It's cowardly and unforgivable the way he's behaved .
I feel your pain I really do , but you will be fine and not all men are arseholes , you were just unlucky in that you believed his bull shit and lucky you found out so early on what a dick he really is X

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 28/09/2015 21:10

Yes it is easier. PJs, netflix and wine are now my companions.

I can't say I'm totally comfortable with it yet, but I shan't consider dating again. It's just not worth it.

DrMorbius · 28/09/2015 21:12

Out of interest did you ask him WTF? ^ this.

I don't wish to be indelicate (but it seems odd to drop you immediately after you have had sex) perhaps there was an aspect (either something you did or didn't do) that was a deal breaker for him.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocktailQueen · 28/09/2015 21:16

What an absolute twat! Wtf was he thinking? So sorry for you, op. No advice, though. Online dating sounds like a minefield.

I'd definitely ask him wtf he was thinking, though. Busy for the fucking unforseeable future? Dick!! And spineless cowardly dick at that.

brokenhearted55a · 28/09/2015 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fastdaytears · 28/09/2015 21:19

I actually wouldn't ask him anything because the answer (whether true or not) is likely to set you back.

Netflix and PJs is so much easier than dating- that's the problem.

Has he recently broken up (if you know enough about him to know that?). Could his ex have some weird hold over him? That explains some weird man behaviour in my experience.

Original poster

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 21:20

i mean part of me thinks if i ask him why he bolted immediately after sex, I am only setting myself up for something I really don't want to hear. nothing out of the ordinary happened, perhaps I am just really terrible in bed or have a hideous body. But I don't actually think either of those things are true.
Perhaps it was that I'd built the sex up to be a 'thing' and then he panicked that it had finally happened and realised he didn't want it to be a 'thing'. who knows.

thanks everyone, I don't know whether to be pleased for the company or hugely depressed that you have all been through similar :(

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featherandblack · 28/09/2015 21:22

I would message him actually. You have nothing to lose. Explain that you've picked up on the fact that he obviously doesn't want to keep seeing you, which is fine. But since you're very unlikely to be in contact again, you would appreciate knowing what changed his mind, especially since you've just become physically intimate. Otherwise you will wonder.

Original poster

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 21:23

to be honest if it is something that happened in bed then I don't actually want to know. if he's so scared of actually talking about it and instead fobbing me off with a 'busy for the forseeable future' then actually I don't give a fuck what he thinks about me during sex.

(except that i do, I just wish I didn't)

OP posts:

DrMorbius · 28/09/2015 21:23

brokenhearted55a wasn't yours a FWB?

fastdaytears · 28/09/2015 21:24

Yeah it is NOT anything that happened when you guys were getting it on. Any normal man would definitely want to repeat that experience.

Cloppysow · 28/09/2015 21:24

I had an experience like this a few years ago. I was utterly baffled and very hurt. He did all the running, i was very guarded. As soon as i let my guard down, he disappeared.

I eventually just had to decide to chalk it up to experience and not try to understand why.

Original poster

violet1300 · 28/09/2015 21:24

yeah thats true. I might message him tomorrow. I'll sleep on it. My ego feels very fragile right now though and even being ignored would probably be quite hurtful

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