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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
gallicgirl · 26/09/2015 13:30

It's your partner you should be talking to.

So sorry for the shock.

Marilynsbigsister · 26/09/2015 13:36

Why are you so sure this boarding card belongs to an OW.? Is it possible this was a woman travelling with him on a business trip for business reasons and you have jumped to conclusions or is there a back story?

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:39

defo ow.. She is a facebook friend, live about 25mins away and he has been mentioning her alot in the last few months.
I'm a fool, he's totally following the cheats script and I was too stupid to see it.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 13:42

What would be the point of messaging her when as, gallicgirl has said, it's him you should be talking to?

How long has he been away? If the woman works with him, is she a senior or junior colleague?

Come back after you've spoken to him so that those who've been where you are now can advise you as the best way to proceed depending on what he's told you - which may be considerably less than the whole truth and nothing but.

Costacoffeeplease · 26/09/2015 13:43

Yes, why are you focussing on her, he's the one who has betrayed your relationship and broken your family up, I'm afraid

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:45

She does not work with him.
He(we) run a small niche business, with no employees.
I thought he was having a mid life crisis, new hobby,contact lenses, tight trousers,younger clothes.
He met her a local pub that has live music..

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:46

am shaking and can barely think straight.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/09/2015 13:54

I'm so sorry. It must be a terrible shock.

Is he in the house now?

What do you want to happen, apart from change the past?

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 26/09/2015 13:59

I'm not going to flame you for messaging her OP, I'm fairly sure I would've done the same thing rightly or wrongly, it's a gut reaction.

Do you have someone who you can talk to in real life? a friend/family member?

Obviously you'll have to speak to him (although, bear in mind he will probably have been warned by the OW that you know so he'll have his lies all worked out)

Flowers
Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 14:01

No he is out at the moment.
I really don't no what to do.
I want to confront him and her, everyone knows me and dc exist. There is NO way she could of thought he was single.
I feel like telling her to come and get him.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 26/09/2015 14:03

i wouldn't say anything until i have all important financial documents in my possession.
very sorry for you, though.

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 14:03

Have not messaged her yet, but am finding it hard not to.
Think this is why i'm posting, to keep me calm and occupied.
No one i want to talk to in real life yet.

OP posts:
Pedestriana · 26/09/2015 14:05

I'm sorry.

Could you present him with the ticket, say "I know, but I want you to tell me" and see what he has to say.

What do you want to happen? Do you want him to leave? You need to be clear, even if it is that right now, you just want some space.

MitzyLeFroof · 26/09/2015 14:05

I'd be feeling the same with regards to the woman.

But wait till he gets home and confront him straight away.

Georgethesecond · 26/09/2015 14:05

Don't message her. There's no rush, you can do it any time. Think. Think what you will do. Have a drink of water, go for a walk, let the news settle. Don't message her.

Muckogy · 26/09/2015 14:07

don't say anything until you're ready.
but while he's out - photocopy/scan/take all financial documents relating to your assets, business, your house, any insurance policies, bank statements - everything. put them somewhere where he can't find them.

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 14:07

The irony is ,she looks like me. Same hair colour and style. Crying now. Please advise

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 14:09

We've got such a nice home and life, so I thought.
Why is he doing this

OP posts:
MitzyLeFroof · 26/09/2015 14:10

Yes the document advice is good.

Sodder · 26/09/2015 14:13

I'm with Muckogy. Get all your documents in one place then confront him.

dippydeedoo · 26/09/2015 14:18

Take a huge step back, you dont know for certain....you need time ...time to collate all your financial stuff and seek some legal advice all the timewhilst monitoring your dhs moves.
Do not do anything hastily,time is your best friend at this point.
Dont confront her or him until you have all your backup plan ready.
it may not be what you think-im quite sure that a man who is intelligent enough to build up a family business and enjoy a comfortable life with you wouldnt be so daft as to leave her boarding pass in his bag.

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/09/2015 14:22

He might not have put it there, she might have.

You need all relevant documents, and somewhere safe to put them outside the family home or work.

You can cry later, but you have to be proactive right now. No face booking either.

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 14:24

I wondered about the stupidity of leaving the boarding passes in his bag, did he want me to find them.. I don't snoop, and I wasn't this time. I was just doing HIS washing and clearing up HIS mess while he was out.

I feel foolish and stupid. I want to make him sweat for a bit, especially if he remembers the boarding cards.
I still want to confront her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 14:26

omg never thought about her putting the boarding card there. When we go away I always have the documents.
Have her page up on face book and its so tempting to go all guns blazing.

OP posts:
Inertia · 26/09/2015 14:31

Tempting as it is, you need to use this time wisely. Get smart about how you use your anger.

He doesn't know you know. Your urgent priority , especially given that you have a business together , is to get financial and legal advice about locking down finances so he cannot bleed accounts dry and leave you financially shafted.