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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Total shock

862 replies

Iseeall · 26/09/2015 13:28

Just found evidence of the other woman. In total shock. Been together 25 years,k new something was wrong but still its a shock.
His business takes him away sometimes and he has just returned, I found her boarding card in his man bag as i was tidying up.
Shall I facebook her a message asking if she had a lovely holiday and enjoys breaking up a family.
help me.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 18:45

It's easy to say don't bother snooping it'll get to you but it's only natural for the need to do it. I think I probably would. Does he leave his phone lying around?

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 18:46

Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey.

Sounds like you've got opportunity to wrongfoot him and make him feel stupid by threatening to make him a laughing stock. It's no more than he deserves and comes under the category of poetic justice Smile

Iwasbornin1993 · 26/09/2015 18:53

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm so sorry OP. Must have been a massive shock for you Thanks

Woof1e · 26/09/2015 18:57

So how do you feel now?

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 18:57

Thanks for all the support. I don't really know what to do at the moment. I'm just trying to be normal. It's hard in silence. I'm just devastated. We had our ups and downs but this is my worst nightmare.

OP posts:
Woof1e · 26/09/2015 19:02

I dont know but I wouldnt be able to wait till Monday x

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 19:11

It's an unwelcome shock but although it may be your worst nightmare in terms of your marriage, it's by no means the worst that could befall you.

What are your plans for this evening? Do you feel resolute and strongminded enough to confront him tonight without weeping or going to pieces?

Aramynta · 26/09/2015 19:18
Thanks

OP make sure you tuck away documents, evidence and anything else you may need to keep close for your own benfit.

RedMapleLeaf · 26/09/2015 19:52

Obsessing over the details is very natural and normal at this stage. But it won't last forever, so don't let it jeopardise your longer term aims of, presumably, being happy in the future.

daiseehope · 26/09/2015 19:59

No useful advice butFlowersand best wishes xxxx

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/09/2015 20:12

Sending support, what an arse your STBExH is!

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 20:19

goddess no I don't feel up to confronting him tonight.
Did get a glance at the front of his phone, yes she is messaging him.
It's all so weird, like he wants me to confront him.

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 26/09/2015 20:36

What a twat!

Does sound like he doesn't care about getting caught...

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 20:40

That's what I'm thinking. He can be the bad guy and confess, I hope.
I think I'll go with "I know " and see what he says.
Will wait until we are on our own on Monday

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 20:43

Is he still quiet?

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 20:48

Yes. Wedded to his iPad.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 20:54

That's not nice after him being away. Hope you're ok. Maybe you should confront him. Why wait?

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 20:58

At the moment I have a tight knot in my chest and a lump in my throat, I couldn't confront him now without tears.
When i do it I'll be doing it on my terms and hopefully icily calm.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 21:01

Yes you do it when you're ready. Come back on here if you need more support. Must be awful for you.

springydaffs · 26/09/2015 21:06

Paying you back? You say you got onto Lundy and things changed - so he's upped his game? He didn't like that he couldn't control you any more, didn't take well to you standing up to him, so this is your punishment.

Abusers who use stonewalling are particularly nasty. It is a calculated technique to crush the victim - into submission. I'm sorry you are facing this terrible shock - it does sound like he wants you to know, he's made no attempt to cover his tracks. To drive the message home that you don't mess with him? He's practically waggling it in your face Sad

Awful awful awful. The chances are he's told her a pack of lies. Whatever, get some documents squirreled away first before you confront him. I really do think that someone who is capable of the type of things he's already done, before the affair, will be very unpleasant about this.

I'm so sorry iseeal Flowers

Original poster
Iseeall · 26/09/2015 21:21

springy yes I found Lundy Bancroft very helpful, and thought I'd solved some unpleasant behaviour of h.
He's stone walling for all his worth tonight, when I ask him what he is doing on facebook, or who is texting him, I can feel the anger in his response.

OP posts:
MissFitt68 · 26/09/2015 21:27

Anger? Why anger?

I'd laugh at him

goddessofsmallthings · 26/09/2015 21:28

Texting her in front of you? I'd be tempted to tell him to take his poxy dick and waggle it in her face [anger]

I need to repeat after you icy calm, icy calm, icy calm... we'll get there!

DragonsCanHop · 26/09/2015 21:31

I think you are going to struggle to get near his phone. The condoms and boarding pass would be enough for me to pack him a small bag and tell him to leave tonight so I could have some space.

brokenhearted55a · 26/09/2015 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.